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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Getting Married - how to tell EXH

10 replies

BlueBlueSea · 08/07/2015 15:52

My DP and I are going to get married, we have been together 8 years. I have been divorced 7. Exh hates DP and will not talk to him. He was not OM but ex insists he was. My kids like DP and have lived with him as their stepfather for 6 years.

We expect problems with ex when we tell him that we are getting/have got married.

I am torn between calling him and letting him know well in advance or just letting him find out for himself when we get back. We are going off on our own abroad to get married.

What experience do others have, what have you done?

OP posts:
inlectorecumbit · 08/07/2015 15:57

Do you think it will be that much of a surprise considering you have been together and living together a number of years. What sort of problems do you expect? I would get married first then tell him or let the DC's drop it into conversation as it actually it is none of your ex's business as long as the DC' are happy.

FortyCoats · 08/07/2015 15:57

What kind of problems are you expecting?

I don't think it's any concern of his.

Original poster
BlueBlueSea · 08/07/2015 16:05

I agree that it is none of his business.

I do not think he is expecting it at all.

He will have a tantrum, probably be rude about DP and call me names. Also be rude to the kids about us. Then he will just be awkward, moan about having to still pay child support. Just be generally difficult.

Even though we have been apart for so long his tantrums still make me nervous.

OP posts:
ShebaShimmyShake · 08/07/2015 16:10

Unfortunately, despite being a dick he does need to know...he should know about any changes to the kids' living circumstances, including wholly positive ones. I'd drop him an email or text and leave him to it. If he bitches to the kids, you have to rise above, but you don't have to give his whinging any platform. Don't need to talk to him or see him.

fuzzywuzzy · 08/07/2015 16:12

Why do you need to tell him?

Original poster
BlueBlueSea · 08/07/2015 16:44

I just feel that I should tell him, though I would rather not.

OP posts:
GammonAndEgg · 08/07/2015 16:48

I told my ex after the deed was done. I just said "by the way me and DP got married recently. I'm just telling you so you will know in case the children mention it I told my ex after the deed was done. I just said "by the way me and DP got married recently. I know that's none of your business and you are probably not interested, but I'm just telling you so you will know in case the children mention it. "

GammonAndEgg · 08/07/2015 16:49

Wow that was proper mixed up!! I hope you got the gist Blush

Anniegetyourgun · 08/07/2015 16:58

Is it a change to the kids' living circumstances though? In any way that their father needs to know about, that is.

Original poster
BlueBlueSea · 09/07/2015 07:52

There is no change to the kids circumstances, we are not moving or changing schools or anything like that. All that will change is the legal relationship with DP and I.

Looking at it like that it has nothing to do with exh.

Strange that after 8 years I am still nervous of his temper.

OP posts:
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