My husband is in denial that our marriage is over

[rumblefish]

I have been in an emotionally abusive marriage for a long time. My husband is also financially controlling. This has made me really depressed and this year I started seeing a counselor and this has really helped me build the confidence to confront him.

He does not think that there has been a problem!! He has completely changed and is like a different person being nice to me but I don't trust him anymore. I have told him to be prepared for me to want to split but he has said he wont leave the house.

I feel like I am in limbo I cant stand being around him, I have 2 children and I don't want them to pick up on the atmosphere between us.

Can anyone give me advice as to what could be my next step as I cant live like this anymore.

He just seem to be burying his head in the sand!

start divorce proceedings

it will be tough for a while but he can't argue with a divorce court

See a solicitor, start to get your plans in order, look at finances etc.

What is your financial and housing situation? Do you work or are you SAHP? Do you rent or own?

I would make some appointments for free half hour sessions with local solicitors (book several of these as it's good to get a range of different opinions.) Take with you all the financial details you can get your hands on: his annual salary, his pension arrangements, your annual salary if you're working, how much is left on the mortgage (if any) and the approx value of the house, any other assets e.g. businesses, other properties, cars.

Also make a note of any joint or individual debts e.g. bank loans, credit cards, anything secured on the house.

Get yourself in a position of knowledge - knowledge is power!

If you are not working and it would be difficult to return to work, also get yourself down to CAB for some advice on benefits.

No man is above the law and your STBXH is about to find that out.

We own our own home with mortgage. I work but it is a low salary.

Would I have to go to mediation first to show a court that we have tried to save our marriage??

I have some info from the CAB I will make an appointment to see a solicitor. He has all the financial bits and pieces re mortgage !!

You can get copies from the mortgage company if necessary.

Well done for finding the courage to get out.

No you don't have to go to mediation to prove anything to anyone.

Would I have to go to mediation first to show a court that we have tried to save our marriage??

God no. The point of mediation is to reach a financial settlement without a judge having to rule on it. It is usually a required step before you instruct your solicitor to petition a judge for a financial settlement.

The 'financials' come further down the line and the first step is to file your petition for divorce citing his unreasonable behavour.

Act on ps's advice and make appointments with solicitors who specialise in divorce and who offer a free initital consultation. Unless you happen to live in a city/town where numerous firms are plying their wares, it's not necessary to confine yourself to local solicitors as communications are usually conducted by phone/email after you've travelled to the first meeting.

Try to source recommendations by word of mouth from friends/colleagues/relatives (to spare any blushes you can say you're asking on behalf of a frined) or ask on the legal board as there may a highly resepected/recommended solicitor/firm in your location.

see a solicitor and get some advice

knowledge is power

I'll bet you think this will all be too difficult, ably prodded in that direction by your abusive husband

get some impartial info

people are getting divorced every day of the week...you are not the first and you won't be the last

some halves of those couples tried to tell the other they couldn't do it too...and they were wrong