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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Pregnant and partner is abusive

13 replies

bubbles2015 · 07/07/2015 13:37

I am really stuck. I already have a son from a previous relationship and have been with someone for 3 years. He has some issues with his anger and has had a shit life and has a horrible strange family. He has tried to change things around and has been to counselling to try and stop being so aggressive - he can be so horrible to me. He hasn't ever touched me but gets so angry and smashes things and is really unreasonable and very scary when in one of his moods. I am now 5 months pregnant and in the pregnancy alone he has scared me many times, threatened violence, the police have been called when he smashed up the house. When that happened I asked him to leave and then he went online and starting looking for women because he said he didn't know what else to do. He doesn't have any support or many friends and when things are good they are great he is fantastic with my son. But these moods come out of nowhere and it happens about once a week that he losing his temper and it's always me that is the target. I am getting really tired of it, but also scared of asking him to leave as he will probably kick off. I feel like my life is ruined with 2 children with 2 different dads and I am so sad and sorry for this baby he promised he would change and he hasn't. Every time he starts counselling he thinks he is cured in a couple of weeks and stops going. I really don't know what to do and starting to wonder if I am the biggest idiot ever and if he will ever change. I don't really tell my friends or family what he can be like as I don't want them to hate him as this isn't all the time. But its also too often and I feel like such an idiot. And really sad and lost. I would really appreciate any advice...feel free to tell me that I am an idiot.

OP posts:
Sighing · 07/07/2015 13:40

You made an error of judgement. You're not an idiot.
You need to get your DC and baby and self away from this man. You all deserve a more steady exsistence.
Good luck

SunnyBaudelaire · 07/07/2015 13:41

you are not an idiot and you can change this.
tell us, is it your house or his?

midnightvelvetPart2 · 07/07/2015 13:44

Your life isn't ruined, plenty of people have children with different fathers Brew

Do you want him to leave? If its your house only then tell him to go & phone the police if he kicks off. Is the house yours only or is it a joint asset?

QuiteLikely5 · 07/07/2015 13:48

You are playing a very risky game exposing your son to this abuser.

He is abusive because when he was growing up he was abused or witnessed abuse.

Your son is experiencing the same thing.

Sadly your man won't change because he emotionally dysfunctional. He might want to change but his patterns will always re emerge.

Of course he is nice some of the time. It's called Mr nice/Mr nasty. It's just part of the abusive cycle I'm afraid.

Try not to expose your unborn child to him. Staying with him will condemn you to a life of misery and also ruin your children's adult relationships as their template for that comes from everything you demonstrate to them growing up.

Original poster
bubbles2015 · 07/07/2015 13:50

Yes it's my house, he has his own home so he has somewhere to go

OP posts:
Original poster
bubbles2015 · 07/07/2015 13:50

Thank you all so much for your replies xx

OP posts:
SunnyBaudelaire · 07/07/2015 13:53

You can just make him leave then, change the locks and put his stuff out.

It is also your son's house then - why should he have someone so upsetting for him in his house? I think it would be called 'abuse'.

It is more than possible that if the police are called again (which they will be because these kind of people do not really change, other than to get worse) then there will be a visit from SS and your capability to protect your children will be called into question.

I am not being nasty, just realistic.

KraggleLego · 07/07/2015 13:59

You would only be stupid if you stayed with this animal. I have been there and the violence will only get worse imo. How would you feel if he turns it on to your children.

I know I sound dramatic but just get out now before your children are damaged, you didn't cause this and your certainly can't cure it. His problems are not yours.

pocketsaviour · 07/07/2015 14:08

You are definitely not an idiot OP - its very easy to fall into this trap for any woman, so please don't waste your own time calling yourself stupid or weak.

You obviously know that the relationship needs to end. He has somewhere to go so at least he can't guilt trip you with tales of starving on the streets.

Is there a close friend or relative of yours (preferably one who is stern and takes no shit) who could be with you when you tell him to go, if you're worried he will kick off?

SunnyBaudelaire · 07/07/2015 14:09

are you handy with a screwdriver and lock changing or do you need someone to come and help you?

Original poster
bubbles2015 · 07/07/2015 14:18

Thank you all so much I know I have to do this. I can't change locks myself but will get the money together to do it asap.

I really appreciate your honest helpful advice. thank you x

OP posts:
popalot · 07/07/2015 14:22

Abused people go one way or the other: either they carry on the pattern and abuse their own family or they decide they would never do that to their family and become very protective. He has gone down the first route I'm afraid. That's not your fault. You don't need to sympathise with him, after all many people actually choose to go down the other route of never doing this to their family because they know exactly how it feels.

There is only one way out - you need to move out. He is going to kick off big style so you need to get RL help to stay safe. Don't tell him what you plan on doing.

Womensaid for starters will give you advice on how to handle this safely. And don't be ashamed - talk to your family/friends. See if they have a safe place for you to live - a spare bedroom. I had to live in a spare bedroom for a while before I got back on my feet and it's not bad - being happy and safe is what matters. Once you are out, you can start planning and saving for your own place without him. It took me a few months to do this and it was worth it. Being free from abuse is priceless and it is how you and your children deserve to live.

Please get yourself some help...pregnancy and newborn time is the most dangerous time for mum and children from abusive partners.

midnightvelvetPart2 · 07/07/2015 14:40

Post at any time bubbles if you need help, it can be very difficult if you are afraid of him to actually tell him to get lost, there's no shame in finding that hard & we can help :)

Here are some things to think about once you can face up to the practicalities:

Cancel the joint tax credits claim & make a new single claim
Cancel any joint bank accounts
Get your own bank account in your name only
If you can put some money aside into this account then do so, savings are always a good thing to have when the future is uncertain
If you will need benefits, make an appt with the CAB to discuss what you will be eligible for & get the forms to apply. They can also advise on any joint assets if you have them.
Get a diary & start to document his violence & his moods, this may come in handy, it may not but it doesn't hurt to have a history of it

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