Stay single until kids leave home...or upset the apple cart!

[onanotherday]

2DC's 13 and 15. Oldest boy is very sensitive..and controlling. To be fair we have all been through the mill with exh. But a year on and the idea of even seeing another man is met with real hostility.
The DS don't want my ex and I back together...quite the opposition. I realise this is all Bourne out of anxiety and not wanting to feel marginalise...but do I give in to it or not?

If you can do it, it will be great for them. The wounds are still fresh.

Is there a fella on the horizon.

No one in at the moment. But talking about the possibility is very negative!!

Personally I would wait a bit. Do they spend any time at their dads? There are lots more casual type relationships now that could be considered when you have time to yourself without feeling the need to go into a full on relationship.

I was single for 6 years-my choice. Lots of healing to do. 2 small kids.

Now with someone and it's fine. We have 4 kids and it takes time to find your way. My eldest was pretty unhappy with the idea of it but now actually loves him. She thought that if I loved someone else then there wouldn't be enough love to go round.

The youngest always wants to know that his intentions are honorable!

I'm super open with my kids. We went through the mill and it's always there waiting to bite us again. So if I'd tried to hide it there would have been trouble.

Sounds as if DS1 has learned some unpleasant lessons from his father. That needs squashing. Gently of course, but he has to know in his bones that YOU are not his property/punchbag. You need to do it for yourself as well, because otherwise you'll be giving off victim vibes, and that attracts sharks.

I would say push on and if you meet someone deal with it then. My parents are divorced and I hated the idea of my mum having a partner but she ignored me and met my stepdad. He was lovely and funny and quirky and good for my mum (lots dv with my dad) and he made everything less shit. He also broke up the tension of my teen years a bit. He died in 07 and I was devastated. I have no such feelings for my dad.

IMO part of being a good parent is a bit of self care - they need to see you happy. I'm sure anyone asking advice in this situation is sensible enough to choose a nice man

I wonder whether one has to be more careful when it is sons rather than daughters. Boys tend to identify with their father more and are less nimble and adaptable emotionally.

That would be a gender stereotype but from what is described in the OP, her sons might well fall into that category.

I agree with Disgrace, ds1 needs to be helped through his controlling ways or any future relationship he has could mirror your own with his father. He's young so it's not too late to change, you can't give in to him. Good luck.