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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Any hope she will give me another chance?

24 replies

dumbguy · 06/07/2015 23:43

Fifteen years ago I worked in a big department store in the warehouse, it was great I was 25 and a total a*hole guy. I liked my music, I liked weed and I liked fun and hated anything that seemed like responsibility. At that time a girl, a student worked in the store part time, she was cute and I flirted with her as was my way with any pretty girl at the time. Some took the bait. This girl though was always different, a little shy and awkward I chased her a bit harder than usual eventually she caved and we "got off with each other at a night out.

It wasn't just a bit of fun to her, by then she really liked me a lot and it got difficult. I did like her, I truly did but I was freaked out as well. My weed habit was starting to affect my MH at this time and I had a bad situation at home with family and was trying to get out into a council flat. During this time we were kind of off and on to be honest I was awful to her, I couldn't cope and in the end she just left the job and never came back. I always regretted it and beat myself up about not being able to deal with it. I obsessed about her and even tracked her down a couple of years later, called her up and asked her out, then I chickened out again told her I would call back with plans and never did call her back but moved away to a different town for a few years where I feel I did sort myself out emotionally and have had good relationships since then with women.

Been back home for a few years, got a decent job my own flat I'm 40 now and have dated but nothing serious in recent years then bang I see her again standing the dairy aisle in tesco. I couldn't believe it I felt like runny away but went up and said hello. She is beautiful, still very sweet and shy but warm. Said sorry for being a prick in the past and she said to forget it, that we were kids back then. She is now 38, single and a yoga teacher now, she was just finished with a class near where I live that she does in the evenings twice a week. I am dying to see her again. Would it be cool for me to try and catch her after her class on Thursday, see if she wants to go for a drink?

What would you think if you were her, have I totally blowen it with her or could I have another chance?

OP posts:

circleskirt · 06/07/2015 23:48

Give it a go, nothing to lose really, have you?

Bogeyface · 06/07/2015 23:51

Honestly? No, I wouldnt give you another chance.

But I would be friendly and hope that you found a long term relationship with someone suited to you.

Bogeyface · 06/07/2015 23:51

Why have you not had anything seriously long term? Genuine question.

Bogeyface · 06/07/2015 23:52

Oh and (third post!) the fact that she said "oh it doesnt matter, we were kids" means that she has moved on.

StarlightMcKenzee · 06/07/2015 23:53

If I was her I probably couldn't be bothered with you now. You might have matured but so will she have.

Having said that, she might see a different you, if you are different now, and there is no harm in asking to meet her for a coffee with a view to an evening date if you get along.

Original poster

dumbguy · 06/07/2015 23:58

Thnks for the replies.

I did have a long term relationship, 7 years before I came back home we finished on good terms, we just grew apart. Honestly this girl from my past always was on my mind a bit. I'm not daft enough to think she is the only one just always felt like unfinished business. I can't tell you what I fool I was to let her go like that twice.

OP posts:

YonicScrewdriver · 07/07/2015 00:00

It's nothing to do with her giving you "another chance" - you are both very different people. You might not still like her if you spend more time together.

Do you want to be friends with her?

Original poster

dumbguy · 07/07/2015 00:02

I guess I'd just like to spend time with her see where it went, I'd be lying if I said I didn't want more. I just want to see her.

OP posts:

Destinysdaughter · 07/07/2015 00:03

Good God man, leave the poor girl alone! Haven't you messed her around enough?

Original poster

dumbguy · 07/07/2015 00:04

Destiny I get what you are saying but I want to make it up to her for real.

OP posts:

YonicScrewdriver · 07/07/2015 00:05

But you don't know her now and she doesn't know you.

Ask her to go for coffee if you want but you may just be friends, acquaintances, vague buddies - don't start by thinking "this is another chance"

YonicScrewdriver · 07/07/2015 00:07

You can't make it up to her!!

You are talking like being in a relationship with each other is the natural state that's somehow been interrupted by your mistakes. But she and you have lived 15 years of life since then - you need to actually chat first and see who you both are - and that's only if she wants to

BitOfFun · 07/07/2015 00:11

If you really like her and regret your actions, just leave her alone. She truly doesn't need all this angst in her life- she's obviously been dong just fine.

StarlightMcKenzee · 07/07/2015 00:14

You can't make it up to her. If you'd like to get to know her you have to start again, not try and mend the past.

And quite honestly, if you go into building a relationship with the belief that you have that level of control, then she'll be very wise to steer clear.

circleskirt · 07/07/2015 00:17

I think that some posters are forgetting that she may want too see you again, and that would be her choice as a grown woman.

cidersundays · 07/07/2015 00:20

All you can do is ask her if she would like to go for a drink or coffee and if she says no walk away and stay away.

YonicScrewdriver · 07/07/2015 00:20

A thousand times yes, starlight

OP, you are acting like a relationship with this woman is like, I dunno, a house, that's been there all along and will be accessible to you if only you can find the right key and give it a good polish

That's incorrect. Right now there is no relationship, you're a couple of people who used to know each other and might get reacquainted. If you'd broken up last month then talking in this way might make more sense, but it was 15 years ago!

PushingThru · 07/07/2015 01:50

"Eventually she caved". Grim.

PushingThru · 07/07/2015 01:50

Leave the woman alone.

wafflyversatile · 07/07/2015 02:04

Ask her out. If she says yes don't stand her up. If she says no leave her alone.

FolkGirl · 07/07/2015 05:57

Everyone is different, OP. Some people would decide they wanted nothing to do with that man ever again. Some would think that a coffee would be ok.

However, if it were me, I wouldn't be interested. I would be polite if i saw you. I might even be willing to meet for coffee with someone who'd been a bit of a dick 15 years ago if they appeared to have changed.

But you've aalready had that chance. You had that chance when you contacted her and then didn't call her back. That's horrible and creates a certain emotional distance in dealing with it.

f you bump into her, ask her by all means, but if she says no, just leave it and even if she agrees, don't read anything into it.

differentnameforthis · 07/07/2015 08:29

Well, there is no harm in asking is there? No one can say for sure what she will say, but if you don't ask, you won't know.

Roussette · 07/07/2015 08:43

Well... she would be giving you a third chance and who knows what you are goibg to do this time? It would be a huge risk on her part wouldn't it? You have treated her awfully.

CoolAs10Fonzies · 07/07/2015 08:51

your comment about 'unfinished business' unsettles me slightly

like she is an itch you just need to scratch

if you are genuine then start off with meeting for coffee - not a date - and take it from there.

Don't be a prat about it

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