How long have other people stayed together just for the children?

[Howmuchlonger123]

I think we really are just together now for the children, married 14 years, dc 9 and 10. No relationship between us except parenting, no sex, no affection, separate bedrooms, little conversation except the necessary. No conflict. Just doing life for the dc. How long have people kept going like this? 4 years so far. How long do we keep going?

Nolim: "Blueshoes would it be fair to say that your parents were friends and coparents rather than a romantic couple? If so it seems that they were not unhappy per se, otherwise they would have split after the kids left the nest. So yes i think that it makes a difference that they are still together, they survived a rought patch which is not the same thing as being unhappy for years."

They were unhappy for years - well before I was 9 when my mother finally told me and up to my going to university and beyond. My parents were essentially incompatible. Intellectually and values-wise, they were not equals and could not be and are still not soulmates. Theirs was a romantic marriage made in haste, I suspect. But they had a sense of responsibility to keep the family unit together. Those engine room years when my siblings and I were growing up are tough and it does affect marriages. Perhaps that was the rough patch. My father stayed out of the house a lot, coming home late on weekdays and playing golf on weekends. That could have helped as well through the difficult years and reduced the tension in the house. My father had affairs and that contributed to the tension. The affairs stopped long ago (as far as I know) - my father is in his seventies.

My mother put up with a lot but I think it is worth it to keep the family together. My father has openly stated he would never divorce. They have each other now.

I know the mn crowd will lionise my father and my parents' marriage but I consider it a good outcome in the end.

THeMother: "I think, Blueshoes, that was the situation with your parents, things were not bad enough. Otherwise you would be joining the vast majority of children of divorced parents who say things were much better after the split (once the dust settled down)."

I agree. It was not a overtly toxic atmosphere at home, just a lack of interaction between my parents. We had a comfortable middle class lifestyle. My parents were somewhat the stoic sorts of their generation and culturally, there was a stigma against divorce. My mother also could not support herself and the family.

Interesting you wanted your parents to divorce and your mother threw it back at you that she was doing it for you. It must have been bad at your home to want your parents to divorce. In that situation, it is not fair for your mother to tell you you are the reason for not divorcing. I can see you did not ask for it.

My mother asked me (just me, not my siblings) whether I wanted her and my dad to divorce. I told her she had to make up her own mind and that was not a decision that was fair to foist on me - I would have been a teenager then.

Blueshoes the more you describe your parents situation the more soul destroying it sounds!

Yes I agree, conflict doesn't always resolve after divorce and that ongoing conflict is associated with long term problems for children. Poverty, conflict and poor parental mental health are generally not good for children. Divorce itself isn't bad or good when taken in isolation.

Good luck op, I hope you can find some resolution.

MIL died having stuck in an awful relationship for her children.
My overwhelming feeling for her (rightly or wrongly) is sadness that she felt so little about herself that she didn't believe she was worth a better life for herself DH's feeling isn't of guilt or gratitude, but sadness that she was unhappy and didn't/couldn't do anything about it.

Nolim: "Blueshoes the more you describe your parents situation the more soul destroying it sounds!"

I am not trying to win anybody over to my parents' marriage. I have never painted their marriage as ideal. I wish to describe the scenario for the OP to decide whether her situation is similar and might also work for her. I fully expect that many marriages are too fucked to even consider this a solution.

It was a compromise by my parents for the children and it worked. My parents are still together, their children are in long term marriages, no divorce. It is a success story for my family.

I wanted to contribute to the thread not necessarily in reply to the original q but to say its not always black and white. I don't think me and dh would be together now if we didn't have kids. I would have decided we were too different, wished him well and said goodbye. But having kids means that I valued our relationship more, so we work hard to make things ok. We have a happy home life despite struggling with our differences, and I couldn't take the kids away from that. I'm happy too, although I'm aware that life could be easier with someone else, even on my own.

Also as pp has said conflict between parents continues after divorce.

This is a really interesting thread, with some really valid contributions. I believe that each situation is different and telling the OP she will damage her children by staying in the marriage is not helpful, nor belittling her fears of the financial implications of a divorce

I wouldn't say my parents have the most brilliant of marriages but they are still married after over 40 years together. Sometimes when my Mum is being rude to my Dad I do wonder to myself how/why he puts up with it but I have never wished that they had divorced.

If you are in conflict or the marriage is abusive then clearly any children will pick up on it but it you can co-habit and co-parent reasonably harmoniously then I can't see how that is more damaging for children than divorce

I do think that living in utter poverty is often or usually bad for both mother and child(ren).

Going hungry is shit; worrying how you can pay the electric bill is shit; being cold becuase you're hungry and don't have thick clothes is absolutely shit.

Money can't buy you happiness but lack of money can sure donate a lot of unhappiness.

Not all separations are bitter and accrimonious (mine wasn't - and we are still good friends). Not all single parents are poor and miserable - I'm not. I'm happy and OK

This is an interesting thread. I agree with some of what Blueshoes is saying - my mum stayed with my dad for us children (although they later divorced when I was in my 20s). I never realised that they were unhappy as they didn't argue much and were generally civil to each other. If my parents had divorced when I was a child it would have really affected me. I do feel guilty for my mum's sake, but I'm also grateful that they stayed together while I was growing up and for me a stable home with my parents together was preferable to them splitting up. I also don't think it gave me a fucked up view of relationships - rather, looking back, I can see how I don't want my marriage to be and try to avoid doing the same things.

I also believe that each situation is different, that's just how it was for me and my family.

So what you are showing your DCs now is that a marriage is a relationship where there is no affection, separate bedrooms and barely any conversation. Is that what you want them to think is normal? Don't kid yourself that they don't notice the atmosphere in the house.

You ask how long you should stay for the sake of the DCs. I would say it's only going to get harder the longer you leave it - you won't want to impact on their GCSEs (so that counts 14-16 out), then their A-levels, then their university degrees, then maybe their wedding plans etc. So, when's a good time? When they are 25?

If you and your DH are amicably co-parenting in the same house, there's no reason why you can't continue to amicably co-parent in different (albeit smaller) homes.

But Meerka, divorcing is not about jumping into the void without safety nets. Unless you need to leave asap because your spouse is dangerous, people have time to plan ahead, decide what they want to do with their lives, get more financially independant before leaving.

In this day and age, most people are pretty independent and able to survive without a spouse, the only ones that are a bit screwed up are sahp who have spent a considerable time without working. Not because they are sahp but because they may find it more difficult to compromise when it comes to work/childcare arrangements and have a longer path to financial independance.

I find it a bit irritating when people say they won't leave because they are afraid of being poor, but then spend most of the day doing nothing about it, either to leave or to improve their relationship.

Agreed mother. Do totally agree that only in extremis should people just up and leave! Planning is way the best to go.

It's that some people end up having to deal with total shits of partners/fathers and end up in real trouble. There are a proportion of mothers, i really hope a small proportion, who struggle desperately and whom are ground down by lack of money - and going through the benefits system can be utter hell and seriously bad for your mental health. Also it's hell if you are re-housed into some of the worse areas to live. Emergency measures tend to last far too long.

Also in some areas jobs are very hard to find indeed.

If you've always had enough money, not having enough can be a shock to the system and I do think that the OP is wise to consider finances.

I do completely agree that if someone really thinks they and the children would be better off apart then they should plan for it. Finance is not an excuse to do nothing, where action is called for.

Did you find people's responses helpful? Have you decided how to proceed? I find myself in exactly the same situation, we plod along, no communication, little affection or sex which for me are fundamentals of a relationship. There is no conflict, we get on, things are OK but I am constantly asking myself if OK is good enough. I would not say I am miserable, have a nice life, don't have to wirk full-time, just dissatisfied. Could not bear to break up the home and family but find myself staying for him and them not for me knowing I would be happier with someone else. I like the advice from MotherOfAllDilemas with regard to forward thinking and planning. It helps to be independent and autonomous, I try and get on with my life without OH and make plans for the future independently of OH. I have considered suggesting a platonic relationship which would not really change things much and I know some relationships survive because people seek sexual gratification elsewhere which is an option. I do not agree with a lot of previous posts saying that a loveless marriage reflects badly on the children as they are not aware of the lack of intimacy and as there is no conflict they are not unduly harmed. I also like Petcectlybroken's opinion which gives another slant. Lots of food for thought. Good luck.