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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

To stop abusive xh seeing our dc?

74 replies

Hadenough15 · 06/07/2015 17:49

Stbxh is an abusive prick. He's beaten me up and threatened me so many times in front of our dc,

A few months ago he had them for the weekend, on the Sunday he was 2 hours late (I had to collect from the park). He drove up to the side of me being abusive and threatening to kill me, all while the kids were with me.

He doesn't stick to seeing them, and can go weeks without actually asking too. He "can't" have them overnight, and when he does have them it's for 3 hours most until he gets bored.

He has a new gf. Been with her about 2 months. He's messaging me abuse because I don't want her around them. This is a woman who has sent me vile messages threatening me. They are both as bad as each other.

To top it off he doesn't pay a single penny, because "paying me is at the bottom of his list" and he "can't afford it".

I'm sick of him making my children cry. They haven't asked once to see him.

His family have all blocked me on fb so are obv not bothered.

He just messaged me "I'm taking your fat * arse to court you stupid c.u.n.t"

OP posts:
ArseForElbow · 06/07/2015 19:32

Sheriff officers can contact him with divorce papers, for now contact the police the text and cut contact with the DC, if he takes you to court offer a Contact Centre, me ex gave up at this point.

GatoradeMeBitch · 06/07/2015 19:34

They have a right to a relationship with their father

I really want to pull my hair out when I see this kind of reply underneath an OP like this one.

OP, don't you know your children have a right to be frightened on a regular basis by an abusive man who threatens to burn their home down! Horrifyingly the courts often seem to take this tack too - has he beaten you in front of the children? Has his partner beaten you in front of the children? Then what's your problem weirdo?! Men have rights as well you know... (Shame children don't seem to have a right to protected from these nightmare people.)

ArseForElbow · 06/07/2015 19:34

*my ex

SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker · 06/07/2015 19:51

I still believe they have the right to see him... under heavy supervision.

TruJay · 06/07/2015 20:15

That is such a stupid comment to make. I'm sure some people do believe an abusive arse like this is rightly owed a relationship with their children, some people may have thought that about my sister's dad who beat my mum constantly and once tried to murder her. Oh and there was that one time he tried to drive us all into the canal, oh the memories...
OP keep your children away from this man, they may be empty threats but they may also be his exact intentions. Good luck.

SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker · 06/07/2015 20:25

I'm not talking about handing them over, I'm talking about at a supervision centre where everything he says and does is supervised and visitation is terminated and recorded if he says or does anything unacceptable. Where a third party delivers and collects the children. This is not for the father at all, it is for the children.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 06/07/2015 20:29

your children have the right to a fear free life. What on earth could they possibly get out of a relationship with this vile man. Good luck Hadenough, I hope this is taken seriously by the police this time.

TruJay · 06/07/2015 20:44

I do understand what you are saying but if you have lived through this type of situation honestly it is not in the children's best interests to see this man. If he truly cared for his children he would not behave this way to their mother and most certainly not in front of them. The children will be scared of him, supervised or not, I just do not think it is a good idea or beneficial to anyone.

SeraOfeliaFalfurrias · 06/07/2015 20:51

Keep everything between the police, the courts and a contact centre if necessary, OP. He has made a serious threat, and I'm glad you called the police. People in RL may tell you not to make a big deal about it, and that there's no way he's serious. But two women a week are killed by their partners or ex-partners. I don't want to frighten you, because that's an awful thing to do through. But unfortunately you should be frightened. Or at the very least, extremely cautious about your personal safety.

I'm sorry you're being put through this hell by your wankstain ex.

Original poster
Hadenough15 · 06/07/2015 21:09

Police officer has been. He said that he won't be chargd with threatening to kill because if ex says he said it in anger he won't get charged or anything. So he's taken a statement about harassing me.

Ex has gone on to send a text saying he's selling my dirty photos online.

He also told me when the officer came and served him a "pin" last week, the officer was laughing about me and saying I am wasting police time ECT.

Thing is, I hadn't heard anything from that officer until I complained.. I'm now worried that's what they think!

OP posts:
SeraOfeliaFalfurrias · 06/07/2015 21:15

Don't believe him! Of course he'd say that to protect his fragile man-child ego and to make you think it's not worth you bothering with the police. It is absolutely worth you bothering the police each and every time he threatens you.

BeyondTheWall · 06/07/2015 21:19

Have you spoken to the dv unit in your police, or did they just send any old officer around?

sykadelic · 06/07/2015 21:22

Double check with the officer if you like about the procedure involved. Likely it's standard that they don't tell you more after they've warned him off, just tell you that they're going to.

Highly highly doubt the officer laughed or anything like that. It could have been that he tried to do it "gently" instead of going in guns blazing, an "okay well she might be over-reacting but just stop it so she leave us alone" or something like that. It's not the best method with an abuser as bad as he is, but if it was someone who is actually bothered by the police they would stop it out of embarrassment / self-preservation / concern about getting into trouble.

You are DEFINITELY not wasting their time. Take everything you can. Clear case of harassment.

Original poster
Hadenough15 · 07/07/2015 00:03

I can't live like this anymore

To stop abusive xh seeing our dc?
To stop abusive xh seeing our dc?
To stop abusive xh seeing our dc?
OP posts:
Original poster
Hadenough15 · 07/07/2015 00:04

Xx

To stop abusive xh seeing our dc?
OP posts:
SmillasSenseOfSnow · 07/07/2015 01:20

You need to stop telling him he can't have the kids near his girlfriend. It's just muddying the waters.

TheySayIamparanoid · 07/07/2015 01:24

I can't believe that the police aren't taking that more seriously!

throwingpebbles · 07/07/2015 01:28

Call the national centre for domestic violence.
They got me a solicitor, and subject to financial position you can get legal aid if domestic violence.

They Sorted out a non molestation order for me. Stops ex even speaking to me. A breach of the order is an arrestable offence!

SoljaBonita · 07/07/2015 02:19

The police can be breathtakingly unhelpful in DV situations, I agree you need to be referred to a specialist team if you wish to make statements.

Have you had police involvement whilst you were together?

Sadit · 07/07/2015 06:38

Hi op the texts could be potentially identifiable. I suggest you report them and have them removed. It could cause you more problems if they are seen by anybody linked with him.
Ps yanbu. Let the bastard take you to court x

BeautifulBatman · 07/07/2015 06:45

Spoony can you read those text messages and still believe these children should be anywhere near their father? A father that threatens to kill their mother??

43percentburnt · 07/07/2015 06:58

Op I have asked for your thread to be moved to relationships.

  1. please call the police back. Say you are afraid for you and your kids lives. Mention the revenge porn threat too. In fact go to the police station, ask to speak to the domestic violence team.

  2. did the police do a domestic violence questionnaire?

  3. call women's aid ask them for urgent help - do not down play it. Explain he has beaten you up and is threatening to kill you.

  4. keep all texts.

Op this is really serious, children have the right to see a father, not the other way round. This man is threatening to kill their mother. If these are idle threats from him such extreme messages need to be kept for solicitors in case they go to court.

I hope you get more advice in relationships.

duckydinosaur · 07/07/2015 07:11

Why the hell did you have children with this man?

Fairy13 · 07/07/2015 07:29

ducky - helpful.

I really feel for you OP.
I'm in exactly the same boat. Police where shit when I told them about the messages threatening to kill me if I tried to divorce him. I was getting messages telling me I'm a sociopath, an obese whore, a spiteful nasty cunt etc etc. I got my solicitor to send a letter saying any other abuisve messages and I will apply for non molestation. Thankfully he hasn't sent any since but she has been more helpful than the police!

throwingpebbles · 07/07/2015 07:37

ducky that is an awful thing to say! A lot of abuse only begins when the woman is pregnant. My ex abuse began when I gave birth to no1 and got much worse once I was pregnant with no2