Don't know what I'm going to write - am in a complete muddle.
Married 13 years. 3 children 9 and under. Both work, but my work life has gone totally to pieces since we got married, partly because of the children, but not just (not clear about this in my head).
I've lost touch with being the person I think I am. Well, with the children I'm a me I'm happy with, but not with DH, and only sometimes at work (essentially I haven't put enough into it over the years - it's not challenging enough, and I'm struggling to see how that is going to change, as I don't see the children needing me all that much less any time soon).
I can't remember what I used to be interested in, I can't remember what I used to do with my time before the children came along. I used to read a lot, but for years I've just reread things, and when I do read new books, I don't often like them. I never see films, plays; never even watch telly; don't listen to music. I don't enjoy my own company much. My thoughts feel stale.
And I don't enjoy DH's company either. He's either silent, or he complains about ailments. He doesn't take much care with his appearance (which is good; he could be/is strikingly attractive when he does - though neither do I). He leaves snotty handkerchiefs around the house despite my protests. I feel we have absolutely nothing to talk about - I can't remember how to have a conversation with him. We talk about plans/logistics/housework, a bit about the children - but I feel so lonely. Our most engaged conversations are about our relationship: what's wrong with it.
DH does all sorts of domestic stuff: I do more, but I work less. I organise family life. I do a lot of 'telling': he often feels nagged, but if I don't ask/remind, things get forgotten or not done, and it's the children who feel the consequences. I organise our social lives, and he complains that we are either too busy or that we never see anybody.
He feels told off a lot, and as if everything he does is wrong. He's right: I do tell him off a lot, and this isn't a good thing to do - but I get so exasperated. The strongest feeling I have towards him is irritation.
He's kind to me, and he's patient with my bad moods (though not in a very helpful way). He's fairly loyal, though prone to rehearsing private disagreements in public, in what I think is a bid to drum up support for his point of view. He longs for us to spend more time together - to have more child-free time. He feels pushed aside by the children, and as if there is no time for 'us' because all my time is taken up by them. There's a lot of truth in this, but I find it hard to motivate myself to make complicated babysitting/child care arrangements when he's then such bad company. When we do have child-free time together he'd rather snooze than chat.
The children are a complete joy to me. They're all monstrous at times, specially the little one, but I completely adore them. DH, though he does 'love' them, is much more focused on what they have stopped him doing (sleeping, as far as I can see), on how tiring they are, how messy, how much of a barrier they are to other stuff. It's as if the whole world, children included, is a set of tasks to be done, barriers to be negotiated. He can't laugh about all the awfulness and exhaustion that life with 3 small children often involves, or snatch his pleasures where he finds them. He feels ground down, as if there is nothing but toil. I can't bear this way of thinking about life, still less that he thinks about our children this way.
I have never been even vaguely prone to depression: I'm generally very resilient - I'm a 'coper', the one who is leaned on, not the one who leans. I find it hard to ask for help - I often find it humiliating. Am I depressed? How would I know? What about DH? And anyway, what can I do with this sorry mess? It's so sad... I'm so sad...
(that's very very long... sorry...)