Recent transgression, old infidelity...

[blockednose]

Hi all,

I have posted once before (unrelated) around 2 years ago, usually I just lurk. I will try to give as much necessary detail, as it has happened, but it is long.

I have been married 3 years this month to my husband, and we have been together 7 years. We have two DC, 5 and 1.

At the end of April I found out the my H had chatted up another woman whilst out with a good friend of his at a club, and had then exchanged messages back and forth before planning to meet. I caught him out before he managed to meet her, but he managed to delete all messages (whats app) and even changed the number by ONE DIGIT. When I discovered this initially, he lied for a solid 4 days, every step of the way, until I managed to get the number from his phone bill, call the poor girl and ask her for details. Even when I did get the full details from her he told me that she was lying and is CRAZY. I asked him to leave, he only left for a day, came back, has been sleeping on the sofa ever since.

At the time of me finding this out, I told him that I would now like the truth on an infidelity that I KNEW occurred about 4 months into our relationship. At the time, we were very in love (well I was), and he had gone on a "holiday" to his parents home country with his older sister and cousin, and we moved in together the following month. A year after this trip I found a message from him to another cousin basically saying that he had f*cked someone else on this holiday. I confronted him (I was 8 months pregnant at the time), he denied denied denied, I believed him, but deep down I have always had my doubts. So this recent mess up of his made me know I had to get the truth.

He had been avoiding discussing this since the end of April, but ANOTHER recent incident made me have it out with him once and for all.

Recently, two mutual friends of ours (a couple) have separated due to the bfs recent infidelity. The gf discovered a secret phone, which my H told me about at the time, but until 2 weeks ago when gf was coming round, he failed to tell me that HE had provided this phone to the BF (my H and this BF are close friends)

So, cut a long story short as much as possible, he admitted to sleeping with someone else 7 years ago. He has lied so much I feel like every other doubt Ive had about him must be true, but I've gone past needing him to confirm it, I just know. I just know.

So he has left last night. I don't feel sad, I feel relieved. I have only told a few close friends, I have not told my mother about the fact that he f*cked someone all those years ago and has only just admitted it. The first time he left she encouraged him to come back, and told me that the only reason she thinks a man should leave the house is if he is violent! I don't agree, and wish I had stood m ground.

I don't know how I feel, I feel like this is over for me. I can't live without trust, I just can't. I have been faithful since day one, and I thought I was with someone who was doing the same. I don't know what to do. I think a part of me feels like its wrong to walk away from my marriage. However, we are both young (me 30, him 32), and I don't want to waste my life PRETENDING to trust him, or forcing myself to trust him. I have never ever loved anyone before, this is the part that is sad, I love him so much, and I was so HAPPY until all of this happened. I don't know if we can get past this. I don't know if we can work this out.

I know it has not been that long since all of this has happened, but a part of me feels deep down that Ive made my decision, its just going to be hard coming to terms with it.

Also, what man will ever want to take on the baggage that I have? And if I do meet anyone else my own age, they will want children, and I don't think I want to have anymore. I am due to start a 5 year degree in September, and I worry about being a single parent.

I'm sorry this is so long, thanks for reading. I guess I just need perspective. Is it unreasonable for me to be unable to get over everything, including the fact he cheated on me so long ago? I just can't forgive this...

Trust yourself

I think everything you have said in your OP confirms that you are doign the right thing for you

I suspect some outside family/friends pressure for you to sweep this under the carpet but you know your own mind

if the trust is gone, so is the relationship

Yes, they do. But I wonder if I should tell them everything that I know now? Or just wait until I have come to terms with the breakdown of this relationship and then tell them, Im done.

Its so very hard. We have so many things organised together over the next month (all involving our families), and what do I say? I am very close to one of his female cousins who is the same age as me. Her birthday is this weekend, I don't know how to tell her that I am not coming. I don't want to spoil her special day (its her 30th). But then, thats not my responsibility is it? Its his, but I know he won't tell them the truth or he just won't show at all.

I cannot imagine every having any real trust for him again. I think trust is very intangible at the start of a relationship, and it is built on. I am not an insecure person, I don't believe someone can MAKE you trust them, but they can definitely take it away very quickly, and he has done that. So I feel like it is over, but what if one day I want to be back together with him...? How long will it take me to know that we are really done for ever, or that there may be a second chance for our relationship? I am finding these thoughts hard to deal with.

blocked nose,
I am sorry you are in this situation.

I imagine that it is very hurtful to realise you have been living a lie for 7 years. However, it is also probably a relief.

I really don't know how you can move past this, and I don't blame you for wanting to end the marriage. Your husband sounds like an unrepentant serial cheater and I can't see him changing I'm afraid.

Firstly, deal with the practical matters. Take legal advice re separation and divorce. Also get advice about what benefits you are entitled to have.
Get your paperwork in order and open your own bank account so you can have the money paid into there.

Don't worry about what the future may hold - deal with the present. Your university degree will have to go on the back burner for the moment, you can pick that up later.

You can do this.

I couldn't stay with someone I do not trust, and he is responsible for trashing it

I agree, these upcoming family events are for him to deal with.....although there is no reason you cannot stay friendly with family members in the long term

although, I have to say I would be singing like a canary and making sure everyone knew the true reasons why your relationship has broken down....any attempt to blame you for "not trying hard enough" would be firmly and decisively quashed

Yes, that is what it feels like. That i have been living a FAKE fairytale for 7 years, and it makes me sad and angry. He does not understand why I feel this way.

Well, it is a very competitive degree, and my entry has already been deferred twice due to youngest DC being born, and not getting results, so this is my last chance. My mother is a barrister, I don't know if I should talk to her about all of this or just get some impartial legal advice. I already know the benefits I am entitled too, and I will struggle, myself and H will have to have a serious talk sometime soon about maintenance etc. Thank you Jannette and AnyFucker for replying...

Ha ha, AnyFucker, singing like a canary. So it is not unreasonable for me to not attend any family events on his side for the time being..? Im not feeling the whole act of Mr & Mrs Happy for the sake of him saving face....

you sound great, and he is a total fool

I reckon you are waaaay out of his league actually, and always have been

I would, in your position, pull out of family events if you can't face them

let him try to explain your absence, or better still, tell everyone exactly why

you don't have to keep his dirty little secrets for him

Wholeheartedly agree with AF. Get the story out first - you know what a liar he is...

I agree he is an unrepentant serial cheater. I'm so sorry - what a shock

Anyfucker, springydaffs, I do actually agree with you both, I feel like I should get the story out, but I do feel bad that its HIS family I would also be telling.

Anyfucker, my mother would agree with you, but I am trying not to let the fact that I always have and still am out of his league cheer me up too much :))

It is all a massive shock to me, and the fact that everything he is saying to me will actually do NOTHING to change how I feel. I really don't need to know that you love me soooo much, that you will never find anyone else like me, that I am everything to you blah blah blah. This is what you should have been thinking before you decided to step outside of this marriage. All of those empty phrases mean nothing unless they are shown through his actions, which they have not been. I am also very angry that he things not going out since end of April should make me happy and should show me that he has CHANGED...what a joke. So I guess the only place you can cheat is a club eh? We are very social people and it bugs me to see him in the house every weekend, so I am glad he has left now, and given me the space that I need, but, I am very sad that this may well be the end. I thought we would be together forever, I really did.

Listen to your mother !

Sounds liek she has brought up a very clear thinking and clever young woman (yes, I am probably old enough to be your mother...)

You deserve better than this sexually incontinent fuckwit.

Unless your mother specialises in family law, I would make a few appointments with local solicitors for a free initial consultation. Take as much detail as you can get regarding mortgage outstanding on the house, any other assets, his annual salary, your annual salary or earning expectations, school fees/childcare fees, his salary arrangements.

Get yourself in a position of knowledge, because knowledge is power.

I would be making plans to formally separate asap. I couldn't live with a liar - and not just a liar but one who thinks you're stupid enough to fall for his bullshit denials?!

Her mum said this though.

So he has left last night. I don't feel sad, I feel relieved. I have only told a few close friends, I have not told my mother about the fact that he f*cked someone all those years ago and has only just admitted it. The first time he left she encouraged him to come back, and told me that the only reason she thinks a man should leave the house is if he is violent! I don't agree, and wish I had stood m ground.

My cousins husband took on 4 young children. Don't even worry about that.

Get rid of the wanker first.

Yes, Dowser, my mum is not his biggest fun, never has been, but I think her opinion on marriage is that once you're married you must try and try again, and also maybe she has some other old fashioned ideas about men and infidelity, I don't quite know.

Pocket saviour, no she does not specialise in family law, so will go ahead with local solicitors when I feel ready. This is all just a big shock. One minute I am married, the next I'm separated and feeling like it is over.

My mother is on holiday at the moment. She will be back at the end of this week. Im not sure I will be ready to tell her the full details, but I think for now I just need to come to terms with everything and also gain some strength in my resolve, because I know when I tell people my marriage is over there will be a lot of people against my decision.

Thank you everyone so much for your replies, I am glad I have posted here. I have been struggling with this for so many weeks.

those other people are not living your life

I dreaded telling my mum I was leaving my husband but she was surprisingly supportive. She of the stay with them at all costs brigade (that would be my dad )

I became a single parent at 29. It's been fine. Better than fine, actually. And so, so much easier than living with xh would have been. He had a secret phone and credit card along with the secret girlfriend - funny how I was the last to know! I was pregnant when he went so I just carried on, had ds, went back to work full time and resumed normality. I own my own house, have a decent pension, make all the choices I want to make and I know FOR SURE that no-one is about to stab me in the back.

AND we have a lot of fun! Just this weekend we have hosted a party (adults and kids - all in paddling pool til very late, adults taking their wine with them!), sat on a beach eating fish and chips watching the sun start to set and the tide come in and been to another party with about 20 old friends (it's an annual event). Life is genuinely good. Ds is thriving, I'm about to start a new job and no-one can mess any of it up for me. Trust your instincts - you're intelligent and articulate: you can single parent with your eyes closed AND enjoy your degree course. Don't let fear of the future stop you doing what is right for you.

YvyB, wow, that sounds lovely, your child is doing well and you sound like you are genuinely happy with life in general...that is how I would love to be, without it all depending on the actions of a man in my life. These are the things that I worry about. What will life be like for my children? How will they adjust to their new lives, and how will I adjust. Of course they would still see their father, but a great big constant would be missing from their lives.

There is no way I am giving up starting this degree course because of him turning my life upside down. When I found out about this stuff initially I was literally 2 weeks into very intense revision for exam retakes as part of my entry requirements, and I just could not believe that he would be so utterly unsupportive and selfish during that time. I have supported him through so much and not once has the thought even crossed my mind to do something so stupid.

Anyfucker, you are right, any naysayers are not the ones who have to live it at the end of the day. I can't be happy living in pretend happiness. And springydaffs, I hope my mum will be as supportive as yours. She went through a very long and messy split with my dad, and I certainly do not want the same for myself.

So, H came round this evening to see the DC, put them to bed. And then wanted to sit down and "talk". He wanted to know why we can't "move forward" and take steps to "fix things". He said he will change, he will never hurt me again, blah blah blah. I really don't think that he understands where I am at right now. I do not trust him, and there is absolutely nothing, in my opinion, that he can do to change that. How will I quantify these so called changes that he will make? Follow him around? Snoop through his phone? I have told him in the past that this is a deal breaker for me. I really think in my head it is over.

Well you won't quantify anything at all. You don't want him to change you want him to leave.

He is right, he will never hurt you again. So any changes he makes will be for his own sake, any steps he takes will be away...

You don't have to answer any of his questions. You don't have to engage in his fantasy of carrying on as normal. You don't need him to understand any of that. You just need him to leave. Door open, him and his phone out through it.

oh well said LouLou!

Fuck the "talks". The horse has bolted. You don't have to put up with him easing his conscience. You've enough to be getting on with.

If he wants to put the kids to bed, make sure he slings his hook once they're down. You don't have to put up with his shit.

LouLou, very well said indeed. And he has persistently pushed for me to sweep everything under the carpet, almost as if now that I have found out we can just carry on as if it never happened.

Springydaffs, I have decided that for this week there will be no coming round here anymore at all, unless when he does I am off out the door. Because he won't get the message unless we go no contact, and I think that should set the tone.