My mums problem with my weight

[Notnastypasty]

I have always been a fairly average size through childhood and teens and a size 10 or 12 til my late 20's when I went up to 12/14.

I had my DD and also developed an underactive thyroid which went undetected at first and led to me gaining weight. I am now a size 16/18. My mum has been very slim her whole life.

She is constantly asking me when I'll be losing weight, what I'm eating and generally keeping on at me. Things came to a head earlier today. My stbxh left me 18 months ago for someone he worked with. My DD 6 has just spent her first weekend at the OW's flat. My mum said it must have been hard for me and did it affect what I ate today
She then came across a photo of the younger, slimmer, child free OW on facebook and said 'she has a lovely figure, if my husband had left me for someone else I would have worked hard to be as thin as her'. She then got annoyed when i got upset by that!

I get her point. I look better slimmer and feel better about myself but I don't let it hold me back. Despite my husband leaving me for OW I've tried not to let it ruin my self esteem. I go on dates, out with friends, coach a sports discipline a few times a week and dress to suit my size.

I said to her that it's her that has a problem with my weight and not me. Her reply was that 'she doesn't like looking at me like this'

I have to say she has been a great support to me and DD and is always there for us but I'm just not sure how to get pass this issue that has been hanging around for the last 6 or 7 years

Selfloathing, there is a huge difference between telling someone who is morbidly obese that they look wonderful and handling them another pizza and just not mentioning their weight at all. If someone if eating to the point there is usually an emotional or psychological reason for it so the approach would be to ask what if anything a parent could do to help - can they help their child get counselling, help with their self esteem, so on. They won't need their weight pointing out to them, I'm sure they are aware of that already.

My gran was morbidly obese all her life (as opposed to my mum as per my previous post) and I never once remember her ever mentioning her weight or moaning about it. She knew she was fat, when we went on days out she could only shop in one shop that went up to her size. She wasn't denying it to herself but it didn't stop her enjoying her life as best she could or being a great granny to me. She wanted me to grow up having great self esteem and being body confident. I've never had issues with my body because of that I'm sure. I know I need to lose a bit of weight, I'm not naive but I also don't let it hold me back. I think we all need to stop being so horrible to each other. There's nothing to make someone reach for the biscuit tin more than someone telling them how awful they look and how fat they are.

You cannot shame someone healthy or happy. The people who go on about
how they are 'providing motivation' by being cruel and nasty are the same who like to boast about being 'straight and honest' when in fact they're just rude, insensitive and have the compassion of a rock.

Fat people know they are fat. I certainly knew when I was. My husband knew it too, but he also knew that browbeating me over it was only going to make me hate myself more. Instead, he tried to offer all the support he could over the REAL reasons I had gained weight, the things that were making me unhappy, and never mentioned how big I'd got (though he did compliment and congratulate me every time I hit a significant weight loss milestone, which DID help to motivate me). If someone really cares, that's what they'll do.

People who attack you for your weight and say they're doing it for your own good just want to feel superior without actually having to help you through any hard stuff. Tell them to go suck a lemon (drizzle cake).

but quite frankly it's none of her business.

Disagree totally. The physical and mental health and happiness of a non-estranged daughter is 100% the business of her mother. If your mother isn't looking out for you, who is really?

ERM, WHAT? No it fucking isn't the business of anyone what a grown adult does! This woman is piling on the hurt to her dd, about as far from being supportive as there can be!

Op your m has serious issues, and they are very destructive, please limit contact with her, for your own sake.

Thanks for all the replies, it's good to get another perspective and see that I'm not being 'over-sensitive' about it.

I have no problem with my mother pointing out that I could do with losing some weight - I don't need to hear it once a week though! On the whole she is a great mum but her issue with weight and appearance is the downside. Its the way she was brought up and she doesn't see anything wrong with it! I tried talking to her this morning about it but she cant see what she has said that is so wrong. Apparently I'm in denial if I cant look at the OW and appreciate she has a good figure - of course I know that and yes, maybe alot of people in my situation would use that as a motivation to lose weight but so far I havent.

I truly believe that adults should take responsibility for their own issues and I know I can lose weight if I get in the right mindset. But I also feel like my parents constant comments on weight have made it an issue in the first place. My Dad has mellowed with age and never mentions my weight but when I was younger he was a nightmare - I remember him measuring my body fat when I was about 14. I really dont want to pass this negativity onto my own DD.

And Fairylea I thinkg our mothers were possibly separated at birth, there's ALOT of similarities there!

the ow comment bringing her up in conversation, is wrong and cruel even without the weight comment. can you get her on that level perhaps? speak to her tell/ask her does she not think it was cruel /wrong to bring the ow up?

If you use the OW's appearance as your motivation, that means that, on a certain level, you're doing it to compete with her and try to win your husband back. Not a healthy response.

If you decide to lose weight it should be for you, and you alone. Anyone who truly wants to help you with that will support you through this awful time and be complimentary and encouraging as you get lighter. Anyone who just wants to insult you and try to make you feel even worse by comparing you to the OW just wants to feel superior, as if they are doing something constructive, while not actually helping you through any of the hard stuff. That can absolutely include your mother, and you have every right to cut her out if she insists on breaking your boundaries and damaging you like this. Because damaging it is.

Mental health is as important as physical health. Your mother is not helping with her snide, judgmental comments.

Your mother is an insensitive callous cow. Get rid.

Really nasty IMO....how dare she compare you unfavourably with this OW. Wow...

sounds like something Katie Hopkins would say to her daughter.

I think that toxic parenting is hurtful and it's important to focus on just how awesome you are.Remember other areas or qualities where your critical mother has weaknesses that you don't and put in perspective her attempts to undermine...such as she may be thin but perhaps she lacks tact or gracious manners..empathy/cooking skills/positive parenting ability.If you can't develop a thick skin- better to beat them at their own game all quietly within the non conflicting totally private self.We can think things not say them and eventually hopefully feel a lot better when dealing with negative critical types.