I think my husband is autistic

[Panickypants]

But how do I get to the bottom of it? Can you go for testing of some description? I want to be able to help him and, I'll be honest, me. I am finding it increasingly difficult and embarrassing to be with him around other people and that we are loosing friends (I often get invited to places on my own and that upsets him) he isn't able to read people, he has totally one way conversations (him talking and rarely asking the other person questions), he bores on and on about really dull things, he makes faux pas and his jokes are cringe, but he laughs, he repeats other people's jokes. Oh god. I sound so mean - and perhaps this isn't autism and I have this wrong (and HUGE apologies if I offend any one). I'm just desperate as this is killing (has killed) our relationship. He offers me zippo emotionally. If I'm upset about something - say for example something at work - and want to talk it through he'll just start ranting in an angry way that I should tell that person to get list / quit work (unhelpful, I just wanted a chat). But then when his sister is being dreadful towards him he won't say a thing. He's such a kind and gentle person. I just want him to understand that his behaviour isn't normal and when I comment I'm actually trying to help. I think his father is quite similar. Sure he wasn't like this when we met. I don't want our children thinking it's ok to act the way he does. How heavy can / should I lay this on him? "I think you are autistic and you need to get tested / support because you are becoming a social fool / impossible to live with and I can't take it?". We have no emotional connection any more. Any help, opinion or advice all gratefully received. Thanks so much.

I await an email from HQ explaining which bit of my post required deleting.

What did they say?

What do you get out of this relationship at all if he offers you zip emotionally?.

Why are you still together at all, for the children?.

What do you think your children are learning about relationships here?.

OP, out of curiosity and to clarify a few things....

-how long have you been together?
-has he always been this way or have you just noticed it recently?
-did he used to get along with your friends when you were first dating? when you were first married?

It does rather sound like you're frustrated and therefore every little trait of his that is irritating to you seems amplified. To be fair, autism is relatively constant. If his social difficulties exist now because of autism, they would have existed throughout the whole time you knew him. They may have slightly changed due to various situations, but overall they would still be there IYSWIM.

I think it's important to know.. what does HE think is going on? What does HE think is the problem? Because to be honest, if he doesn't think he has autism (and he may not, you know), and he doesn't want to be assessed, then there is quite literally nothing you can do on that front anyway.

Armchair diagnosis is rarely helpful... I'd recommend that if you're struggling with the relationship that you get counselling yourself or, if he is willing, as a couple, and see if you can't sort out how you feel and whether or not you want to continue the relationship.

Bucketandspade your sweeping generalisations about people with autism show nothing more than an alarming ignorance about the condition and are not remotely helpful. Plenty of people on the spectrum have very good insight into their behaviour and have empathy towards others.

Other than "theory of mind" do you actually know anything at all about the condition because to be honest it just looks like you've found a a couple of buzz words to make it sound like you know what you are talking about.

I have no idea if the Op's husband has ASD or not either way your relationship is making you unhappy and that's not fair on you or your husband. A diagnosis may be helpful but to be honest resources and help are scarce and it is possible not much will change for you. Being unhappy in your relationship doesn't make you a bad person.

You may have had some harsh response here because discussing autism and then throwing in words like social fool cuts deep for the posters reading who have children with ASD or indeed have ASD themselves.

The 'social fool' part was a bit unnecessary.
And yes he does sound like he has some form of autism.
It's depressing how untolerant 'normal' people can be.

His autism won't go away, but a better understanding of it and the difficulties he might have day-to-day could improve things for you.

I see people every day who probably are on the spectrum but are undiagnosed, I'm sure you do to (other than your husband), it's not uncommon. I might smile a bit to myself occasionally but don't feel the need to write them off/judge them as being 'social fools'.

I sympathise with the difficulties you experience (I have 2 children with ASD) but it's not going to go away, I think you need to consider your commitment to the relationship.