Do leavers ever look back and realise that they have walked away from a family who loved them all for a bit of "fun"

[Bambino1234]

My left in January.
I except he's not coming back.
I except I don't particularly want him back.

I don't understand though how you can walk away from a family and the reality of it all not hit you.

To know that two families have broken apart so that you can be with an OW

How it's possible not to speak about what has happened or why ?

And just bury your head in the sand.

To miss your family but it's not enough.

Does the loss ever hit them, will he ever feel loss like I have ?!

It's the ones who seem to just leave on a whim. Had their heads turned at a flick of a switch and just go leaving a family in a pile of dust.

My partner didn't care if I was homeless or that I struggled to find work to fit around the children

That's not someone who fell out of love, and felt torn about it, so much as someone who was inherently selfish and self seeking.

What will he do in future when life gets tough/boring/someone more interesting comes along? Walk - again.

I'm really sorry but people like that live in their own world with themselves at the centre. Regret will be a passing thing. I hope you find a better man soon

I have left a few relationships in my life. Only once for another man. All my ex partners went on to find happiness with someone else.

Do I regret it? No. Sometimes you have to follow your own drum even when that involves pain and loneliness.

Allofaflumble I think leaving when you are not a family is much more easy to do.
You can walk and have no reason to look back and far easier to break a tie with the other person.

Yes you do have to be selfish.
Yes you are number one - but does leaving so rashly with little thought make your happiness more important than a 3 or 4 year olds. No.
That it is why you put thought into it.
You don't just swan in from work one evening and say your leaving for the co worker who's also leaving her husband.
That's what I'm trying to fathom, we've all left someone or been left before but when they so callously walk away from their family then I do wonder how they are wired.

My XH never seemed to regret leaving. He regretted that he was caught shagging everything that walked, (but not that he cheated on me, just that he was caught) but he even told DD2 that he had a new family when explaining why he wouldn't pay for something. He was quite happy to stop paying council tax, phone bill, TV licence and subscription, gas and electricity, even knowing that i didn't have a job and had no money. I'm pretty sure he thought that I would take him back - right up until the moment i signed the divorce papers.

The OW threw him out when she was dobbed in to the council about him moving in, since she got everything paid for her. thanks to my best friend for that move I don't think he cared at all.

Quote from sea
Yes, my dad did. He's now a very lonely man living in a bedsit, with no contact with his children or grandchildren.

It took a long time, but since he left for my mum's best friend (they lasted 6 months) my mum has got a career, met a fabulous man, has gained 3 step children and 6 step grandchildren in addition to her biological grandchildren and is very happy and surrounded by people that love her.

She thought her world had ended, but when she looks back she now knows that it had only just begun. Sorry if that's too cheesy!

Yup! That's me to a T.

Ex wasn't lonely and living in a bedsit. He was living with his wife, in her home with her ( useless as he called it ) son. Apparently he had to watch his ps and qs and son and DIL told me that when she was at work he was like his old self. He was estranged from his beloved daughter and her children something that deep down he would never ever have gotten over.

Sadly his life of living the dream in the very affluent UAE ended when he got terminal cancer and he had to return to the uk for him to have treatment. after 5 years living abroad and rarely seeing our son and his children he got to rebuild his relationship with them but my DIL firmly believes he deeply regretted doing what he did.

I on the other hand was never expected to get someone else and be so happy. He knew we were getting married later this year and that will have eaten away at him.

He once said to DIL, if he ever hurts her ( oh the irony ) I'll be straight round to sort him out.

My DIL fought my corner and said don't worry , she's in a safe pair of hand there.

Very true.my new man has slotted very nicely into my exh's old place and he's a very important part of the family. He picks kids up from school, minds them at times. We take them to the park, cinema, have parties here for them...all the things a devoted grandfather does. In fact they've ( soon to be husband, son and dil)all gone off walking for the day while I do some jobs around the house.
My soon to be husband was the one my daughter called when she needed a bit of help recently
I couldn't be happier and couldn't want for better.

It's been win : win for me.

I appreciate that not everyone gets to be so lucky. Although another friend after her husband cheated on her has now had ten years with a lovely man and when her son got married and I saw the ow well you could just see who was the happier couple and it wasn't the ow and her ex!

Sometimes the fun occurs because the marriage/partnership is already on the rocks.
Sometimes it is deliberate and that's a very different ball game.
I had an emotional affair but my marriage was already in a bad place. I have no regrets. It is hard for the kids now. It would have been hard for the kids if we had stayed for their sake while hating each others' gut. The kids wants us together and happy and I have to admit I cannot please them.

I guess there is no set answer and each situation is different.
I guess it all depends on whether they left because they were unhappy or that they felt the grass was greener.

I'm not a saint and my relationship wasn't perfect, even if he doesn't regret leaving me I hope that one day he will look at me and regret how hurtful and disgusting he was towards me all because he couldn't face the truth of what he had done.

Bambino sorry I think I may have got a bit mixed up which thread I was on.

I totally agree about how selfish it is with partners and children. Sorry for the misunderstanding. I was completely talking about child free relationships.

I think the ones with any conscience do look back and regret at least the hurt they have caused to others, if not the end of the relationship. Selfish pricks are different of course, they only care about themselves.

"how did I know when it was time to get divorced....when the need to not see my spouse every day outweighed my need to see my children everyday" That's such a sad quote

Nobody said they were physcho paths or nostalgic fools.

In fact you only have to look at yourself, if you are a well rounded person of course !
I never said that theh should apologise I just wondered if there comes a point when the hurt and distraction they have caused hits them, I wouldn't treat a stranger the way I have been treated, guilt and a conscience should put paid to that.
He may feel he has made the right decision all be it in the wrong way - but life is life and doesn't it all settle into the same thing except more baggage, less money and a couple of kids that you'll miss out on most of their lives.

We all have our opinions.
Never was anyone made out to be a physcho path or a fool.
Although maybe they have acted in a foolish manner - if you are a normal and decent person, you'd atleast worry about the welfare of the family you left behind.

I think they do yes, but only if their shiny new life isnt so wonderful after all.

Ime the ones who are sorry and sad and regretful are the ones who left and then didnt get this fantastic new relationship and life they were expecting. The ones who do get that are not going to be sad or sorry at all because, in their minds, their happiness totally excuses their shite behaviour.

Oh OP I'm so sorry you're going through this. It hurts so much

Most leavers don't ever say they regret it because that would be too humiliating. They wouldn't want their ex to have the satisfaction

My ex did do it though. I thought it would be really satisfying and make me happy. Well, it did, but only a bit. Happiness had to come from me and my life, not from his unhappiness though I did laugh out loud about 10 times a day for the next week every time I thought about it

I think it depends on where they 'end up' iyswim.

Cousin's ex left her for OW, they later married. I don't think he regrets what he did one jot. I do think he regrets not leaving before taking up with OW.

Thanks for all your replies.
Seeing as the response was so varied I imagine it is like with anything in life and will only tell with time.

What I have learnt in these six months is that my sadness and hurt resonates with the fact that my children were hurt in the process of a very uncaring and selfish act - the love I feel for them means I don't put myself first and I would never want to put them in a position where they question themselves. To start the New Year with a 4 year old crying and asking if it was because she wasn't a good "angel" in her school play that her dad left her was heart wrenching and something I'll never forget - so for all those that naively feel that children are adapting and will not suffer the effects are real and awful.
No parents should not stay together unhappy I believe that - but you do not cause an earthquake in others lives to bring your own happiness.
There are gentler less dramatic and damaging ways to leave.

Very right, Bambino. I think that's what I was trying to say about my cousin's husband. He doesn't regret leaving the marriage itself but he does regret how he went about it.

It's unfortunate that some people cannot think of others when they are pursuing their own 'happiness'.

I left a partner when I was young for the most frivolous reasons and did live to regret it. In fact I always refer to him as the love of my life. The good thing is that he found a really lovely wife who seems to suit him right down to the ground and they have three adult children now. I am also quite content.

I do realise that for the most part everyone can still be happy.
That we may even be happier apart than together.
It just seems such a shame that as parents the partnership will always be shrouded with distrust and dishonesty - if nothing else I would still reguard their father as important, I have remained dignified in my approach to parenting and ensuring his life isn't encroached by silly financial commitments etc.

Even before this happened to me I have always been of the opinion that cheating is a cowards way out - I wouldn't do it, I've never been tempted to because I couldn't live with the guilt that I would forever carry around

No parents should not stay together unhappy I believe that - but you do not cause an earthquake in others lives to bring your own happiness

I think this is the crux of the matter. The problem is that there is no "perfect" way to leave. Unless it really is mutual (rare), it's going to be awful and painful for the abandoned person even if the leaver tries to do the right thing. For example, it's easy to say "don't cheat, if things aren't working between you and your partner then you should try and work it out, then leave and find a new relationship that is better". BUT I've also heard people who are being left with no other person involved say "I wish there was someone else, then at least I'd understand why he wants to go, this way it means he hates me so much just can't bear to be with me even if the alternative is being on his own".

I'm not saying your ex couldn't have handled it better btw. I'm sure he made mistakes and hurt you and your DC unnecessarily. I'm just saying that there's no way of making it pain free.

Your right there is no perfect way to leave.
I can tell you though that the few days I was in ignorant bliss to him shacking up with the other woman- the few days where he was apparently honest I understood and although it was hurtful I accepted that sometimes these things happen - three days later I found her leaving my house!
So I don't think there was very much thought into it, the same as her leaving her husband she was happy to blame me for her child's unhappiness because I had caught them at it and now she'd have to be honest with her husband.

Being left for someone else ruined my self confidence, filled me with self doubt, it broke me knowing he was telling her he didn't want me whilst laying next to me in bed - it's soul destroying knowing someone you loved has no respect for you or for your children !

Whatyouseeiswhatyouget

The only thing I won't agree on his awkwardness at family events - the only people who should feel awkward is the pair of them.
I had a really hard time at a family party this past weekend, he didn't go in fact he would rather I still made all the effort on his side of the family - and I worked myself up into a state thinking that everyone was judging me as the ex who still lingers on - I did leave in tears not because everyone had thought that because three of the men attending that party all said to me what a wonderfully strong mother I was, all taken aside at different points but coming from a man it made me think that perhaps I am strong.

My life isn't what it was but my children have always been my priority and I'll always always do whatever I can to ensure there happiness.
So next time I attend an event I'll hold my head high because it wasn't me that hurt anyone.

Whilst I'm ultimately glad my ExH left its been very difficult for our two children. DD has been a nightmare for over four years now - she still wants her father to come back, she understands that he choose to leave its me who gets both ends of the barrel at times. Its not been helped by her friend's parents who split and subsequently divorced at the same time getting back together!

She loves him so much but refuses to speak to him or spend time with him because it continues to hurt her - her father's reaction is simply 'get over it', not so easy when you are the one who watched your father leave in the middle of the night through the window

Our DS is very different. As a child with ASD he just wants his father to be part of his life and will do anything to please him. Its still a pity that their father doesn't feel the same way. He has said that living without the children, who he desperately wanted before he was forty, is the life he has always dreamed of.

RedTulip - what a horrible, horrible man to say that about his children

RedTulip - this is what I mean about children being affected and people naively thinking that they are not.

My daughter is fractious and worried, she is anxious and these are parts of her innocents that have been taken.
Someone who was supposed to love her unconditionally did that to her and it is me the parent who would never leave her willingly that is feeling the brunt of a very hurt little girl.
She probably wouldn't be feeling so hurt if she wasn't thrust from her home, had to start a new school and live in a box room with me and her brother for three months - so yes we all have the right to chase our happiness but we do not have the right to make our children doubt themselves.

I hope each night when these men see there reflection they are reminded of what they have done. They are not decent.