When you're not sure about the physical attraction... can it grow or is it doomed?

[newtothos01]

I have had two serious relationships in the past, and I am now 32.

I decided to start online dating a couple of months ago, and have met up with a couple of people. One of which was very keen from day one, and I wasn't physically attracted to him. But, as the third and fourth date has happened, I am finding that there is a physical spark slowly emerging. In terms of everything else, I am hugely attracted to him - we speak all the time and I absolutely love hearing from him. He challenges me too, which I like, and is incredibly kind.

My question is... when are you sure? And if you're not sure from the word go, isn't that a bad thing? My sister/mum/couple of friends tell me that sometimes you have to wait and 'give someone a chance,' and the feelings can grow. But others say that they met their partner and that was it... couldn't live without them, wanted to shag them there and then etc etc etc.

At this point I really am just 'seeing how it goes, because I am interested to an extent, but not fully in terms of the complete physical (we have kissed and it was amazing, though). I've never done this before, and always had an initial full on attraction where I fancy them like mad. I guess my question is... is this doomed eventually anyway because the physical spark isn't there?

Thanks in advance for any answers!

The main issue is the few extra pounds he has... I've never been with anyone who wasn't in trim shape so this is new to me. I feel so superficial!!!!

That's not superficial. You're perfectly within your rights to date people you have a physical attraction to!

I could be reading you all wrong, and apologies if so, but I hope you're not trying to talk yourself into this because he's a nice guy and good company. To put my agenda on the table, I don't believe in settling, I'd rather be (and am!) happily single than with someone who doesn't give me butterflies. I know the butterflies wear off, but at least you should still be left with someone you find attractive.

But not everyone feels that way. One of my best friends settled and after a few bumps in the road they are content. She very stoically implemented a 'date night', i.e the one night a week she psychs herself up enough to have sex with him, then she's left in peace the rest of the week. She says it works for them.

gatorade I understand what you are saying. I don't think I am trying to force it because I love hearing from him and I get that butterfly feeling when his name pops up on my phone. I also enjoy kissing him a lot.

I think part of me is curious about pursuing something like this as I've never done it before. It's 85% his personality and 15% physical attraction at the moment...

Well, that may not be at all bad. When the honeymoon phase is over, personality is going to be very important anyway!

Yes love is a grower. With my last long term partner, I was not immediately physically attracted at first. But it grew and grew until I realised he was definitely 'the one'. It took 18 months! He was the most caring, loving responsible man. Unfortunately he died after 7 years together. He was 31, I was 27. I am now in a marriage where there was immediate physical attraction but on so many other levels was not a good choice in terms of settling down with and having children.

Please give him a chance, sexual attraction will come as you both learn how wonderful you are together. He obviously thinks the world of you. This means a lot.

If you decide to move I together, please get him to agree 50/50 responsibility for everything, then you are definitely in for a happy relationship.

Take care x

guilding so, so sorry to hear that.

Thank you for sharing your experience and giving your opinion :)

Love comes in many guises and I quite agree that you may be changing yourself and learning that love is more than just a handsome face and a dashing way about them.

If you like hearing from him, he's kind and considerate, when you kiss he turns you on- it sounds pretty good too me. He's taking it slowly too. He wants to be sure about the woman he hands his heart to.

If he didn't call you, ignored you- would you feel berift? If he's a bit overweight, that's probably because he's been home and single, eating crisps and glumly wondering if there's anyone lovely out there. And if you have babies and get a bit busy to have time for the gym you might get a bit podgy too, so a man who sees past the glamour is one to admire and love.

What do you do on dates? Have you tried taking up a hobby you both like? Squash, maybe?:)

It sounds like there is a spark, it just started quietly. If there were no spark at all it would be a different matter. I am with a wonderful man who I don't fancy at all. I deeply regret staying with him and think I've ruined our and dd's lives. I thought getting on and being a good dad were more important, but I underestimated my desire for love and sex. It doesn't sound like you're in my position though!

Lust fades, but love has a better chance. I didn't fancy DH at all when I first met him. I thought he was a funny looking bloke and an arrogant arse with it. I really didn't get why he was popular with women.

I got to know him socially, and three years later we were married. It hasn't all been hearts and flowers mind, but the fact we started as friends and are intellectually very well matched has helped us weather some pretty severe storms.

I would give this guy a chance. From what you have written I think there is every chance he could be someone very special in your life.

I think it is almost better than an instant 'rip the pants of them' lust. That will pass, whereas something that grows slowly tends to stick better and because it comes from knowing someone and appreciating different aspects of their personality it will always be there.

I married someone i had nothing in common with because of the instant chemistry. yes, the sex was mind blowing but we lasted a mere 10 months because he was actually a twat behind the pretty face!