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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

3 Years into my relationship - feeling lonely :(

21 replies

Shey04 · 05/07/2015 10:13

I'm not in an abusive relationship, just one that never changes, never progresses. How it is now is the best that it will get.

In a slump and struggling to cope... I am resilient, independent and have great children of my own that fill alot of time. How do I change my mindset of wanting a 'life' with my man and for he and I to be everything to each other. He talks a good talk, he says that is the way that it is. However, we socialise separately, him mostly, EOW is apart, him with his kids, now we are looking forward to summer holidays, separately, each with our own kids, his decision...

Am I lucky to have my independence or am I being taken advantage of, I just can't figure it out.

OP posts:

TokenGinger · 05/07/2015 11:06

The question isn't whether you're lucky or whether you're being taken advantage of. The question is, does this relationship suit you? And it clearly doesn't. It may be somebody else's ideal set up, it isn't for you, so it may be time to look elsewhere for something that will fulfil you x

itwillgetbettersoon · 05/07/2015 11:12

I'm in a similar situation but it has only been a year. Sometimes I'm happy with the situation other times I think I just want someone to be there all the time. But then I don't want to share my house with another adult. Problem is grass is always greener. I think I am drifting but I enjoy his company when together. I don't know what the answer is when you have kids.

FlourishingMrs · 05/07/2015 11:27

Have you discussed it? How old are the kids? Have they met? Could it be his children are not ready? What's the dynamics with ex wife?

nosirrah8778 · 05/07/2015 11:28

I agree with TokenGinger ... everyone is different. I know couples who are quite happy in relationships that I consider not for me, but my relationship wouldn't suit them. It sounds like it's his idea of perfection, but not yours.

Howsithanging · 05/07/2015 11:36

Hmm after three years I would expect your lives to be more entwined. The bottom line is you are not happy with the set-up while he is. So you both need to compromise or consider ending it.

Dowser · 05/07/2015 12:08

Cantu dear stand why you aren't booking separate accommodation for each family insane resort/ park/ location?

Dowser · 05/07/2015 12:13

Can't understand

CuttedUpPear · 05/07/2015 12:13

I have this OP (7 years in). I think DP is waiting for me to be free of my responsibilities, ie DCs grown up.
It is a lonely place and I wonder what the heck I am doing here quite a lot.
It has all come to a head recently and there has to be a big commitment or we will split (my terms, which I am finding hard to stick to).

All I can say is push for what you feel you need.

Dowser · 05/07/2015 12:14

In the same resort

tribpot · 05/07/2015 12:27

What does a relationship mean to you? What do you want it to be?

gabyjane · 05/07/2015 13:39

In the same boat..have literally just had the chat with dp AGAIN who has now gone out and I'm in tears..some people can deal with it some can't... hope you work it out x

ImperialBlether · 05/07/2015 13:46

I wouldn't see the point in being with him. You're not 'with' him as he does everything on his own and wants you to do the same, yet you can't look for someone else, either.

I'd cut my losses and find someone who's looking for the same type of relationship.

As a PP says, that might well really suit someone else, but it clearly doesn't suit you.

InTheBox · 05/07/2015 14:14

Depends on want you really want out of this. You say he is not abusive but then you say that you're in a slump and struggling to cope. You choose. I'd say don't settle for just 'good enough.' It will eventually lead to resentment. What do you want?

I'd also add thank fuck you have your own independence. Don't ever lose that! But you both socialising separately and planning on separate holidays does not a good relationship make.

FlourishingMrs · 05/07/2015 14:51

Op could I have some answers to the questions above

Zebraface · 05/07/2015 18:02

Hi Shey,
just marking my place as I am also in same boat.
I have never met his kids, or his parents, or his friends.
I am on my own when it comes to holidays..although it has given me the courage to try new things & go new places that I never would before.

I too am feeling that this is not a relationship, more FWB & I am calling time, but agree with others...depends what suits you.
If you feel it no longer suits, be strong and walk away, there are plenty of other men who would love to have a proper relationship.

pocketsaviour · 05/07/2015 19:13

-- How do I change my mindset of wanting a 'life' with my man and for he and I to be everything to each other

I think that expectation is unrealistic. "Everything?" So he's going to cut your hair? And you're going to repair his car? And you're going to paint each other's nails and go on girlie shopping trips, then you're going to drink hella beer together and go to the footie? And the two of you are only going to have shallow, tangential friendships with anyone else because you're too busy being each other's "everything"?

(Sorry for the lazy gender stereotyping, I'm tired)

Your set up sounds just about perfect to me - but you're not me.

You want more companionship, and it sounds like he doesn't. You will have to decide if you are happy taking it as it is, or to cut him loose and find someone who's looking for the level of togetherness you want.

Original poster

Shey04 · 06/07/2015 10:17

We're three years in. The kids have all met, we all live in the same town and in the first year spent lots of time together. His ex is the typical and made life unbearable for him and the kids. So things got hard and he pulled away for his sake and for his kids sake. So that has helped him and them to have a better relationship and I don't exist to them anymore, however he is happy to play happy families with my kids every other day of the week.

My dc are really well adjusted and my relationship with my ex is good, so my kids have a love for everyone in their lives, including him and made alot of effort with his dc initially. It's such an imbalance and whilst I don't miss the conflict, he now shows no interest in integrating us whatsoever. His youngest is 10, so it will be a long road for me as they are happy with me cut out, but also happy with their mum and her partner... which I don't really understand.

When I try to talk about it, he will tell me that what can he do, it's a life we have to settle with. When we first met it was all about marriage, houses committment, etc. (from him!) And now it's just this and it's not like I want anything out of this world, just something normal. He swept me off my feet and now all of that seems gone.

The step thing and blended families, I'm kind of over that now, I'm at peace with it being like this. What I am struggling with is not having my emotional needs met, nor any kind of reassurance that there is a commitment there. He does all sorts of social things with friends and family with his kids on his weekends, I never say anything, yet last week he challenged me about an event that I have coming up that I will attend alone. We spend 50% of our weekends apart, so how is that even an issue...

Thanks pocketsavior, in many ways things are great, we are best friends and do alot together. But, maybe that's it, maybe we'd be better off just as friends.

OP posts:

Original poster

Shey04 · 06/07/2015 10:19

I just don't know how to contemplate ending a relationship when I love him and my kids do too. :(

OP posts:

FlourishingMrs · 06/07/2015 11:15

Shey04, I really feel for you, I can also really relate. Although your situation is a bi more serious than mine. We are 4 years in, he still keeps his rented flat, he has no kids, never married, whereas I have two youngest is nearly 10.

We go on holiday together, he spends most of the week at time, minus to week evenings. He buys most of the food, cooks, DIY etc. But he won't give up his flat to which I have keys since our first year together. He has even started doing two days in my business which is really helpful as he earns more with his other clients. He is great with my kids, homework, parents evening the works.

I would like him to move in fully but he says our relationship is a success because of the short time apart. I have considered ending it and still do occasionally. But when I weigh up all the positives, I find that a man like him is hard to find (ex husband as an example)

We are even considering another child coz he has none. (When I question the flat should we get pregnant he says of course he will do the right thing)

How about you make a list of what you want, cross reference with what he provides, if its more then carry on. I like that he was questioning you about the event you wanted to go alone, I think more outings like that is what will propel him into action.

Can he come on holiday with you and your kids?

Original poster

Shey04 · 09/07/2015 09:09

Thanks Flourish for the words of support, your relationship so sounds like it's going in the right direction and that he is totally committed to you. How wonderful to be contemplating a little one. :)

My relationship is quite similar to yours and the pluses outweigh the negatives I think. But I just resent the fact that he is totally emmersed in my life with my kids and I am totally cut out of his...

In my last relationship it got to the point when my ex-dp starting working away, not for me (for his dc and their school fees and ex wife's house, etc.), that I started feeling the same and ended it.

I really thought that this relationship was the one but feel 3 yeas in, that the rug has been pulled from me. My dp seems to have everything perfect for him. He is never alone, never a dull day, never a moment where he must think 'where do I belong, what is going on in my life' as he is always with us, or with his kids... The feeling of being a part time player in a relationship seems to lie just with me. Yes, he could have come away with us, but it just seemed so wrong for me to stay around waiting for him to return from his holiday with his kids of which I was specifically not invited, for him to then come away with us. He would have loved to, so would the kids, but to me, how much easier can I make his life? Feel pretty taken advantage of, I just need to change my mindset maybe. If he is happy with a committed part time relationship, why can't I be?

OP posts:

FlourishingMrs · 13/07/2015 00:25

Hello Shey04, I think we women analyse things too much, he probably does not see it as luck of commitment, he just sees it as he has kids, and he has you and the kids.

He could just be trying to keep peace with his ex and his kids, maybe his kids feel like they are being replaced so by spending time with them alone, they too can feel special.

Have you told him how this really makes you feel? do you think bringing him on holiday with your kids could be the trigger he needs to do more joint holidays? Have you tried arranging joint activities as asking him to bring his kids along? Tell him his kids need to know, you are a couple. Tell him he s great with your kids and you want to return the kindness by making an effort with his.

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