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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Just a rut or time to call it quits?

14 replies

FaithLoveandHope · 04/07/2015 18:37

I've tried to ignore this issue for a few weeks but now it's reached a point where I can't keep ignoring it. DP and I have been together 3 years, were planning our wedding and supposed to be moving to a new place in 3 weeks - have paid agency fee but not signed contract. DP's dad is dying of cancer and we started arguing lots so we put the wedding on hold - both because we didn't know what would happen with his dad and I couldn't deal with the will he / won't he make it but also because of the arguments. I feel so lost at the moment and have no clue what to do. He's just so negative all the time and I find myself rolling my eyes when he starts moaning instead of being supportive. Little things are winding me up. I know now is an incredibly difficult time for him but tbh we were arguing before his dad got diagnosed. When I think about leaving I end up upsetting myself and can't imagine not being with him, but I just don't feel happy at all at the moment. Not sure what I want from this post, just know I can't keep everything bottled up any more.

OP posts:

Zebraface · 04/07/2015 19:24

His dad is dying of cancer? No wonder he doesn't want to think about wedding.

Sorry OP but I think you need to be more supportive to your partner....or he might not want to marry you

Original poster

FaithLoveandHope · 04/07/2015 19:25

It was me who postponed the wedding, not him.

OP posts:

QuiteLikely5 · 04/07/2015 19:40

Of course you get upset at the thought of being apart. Most of us do when we realise that our relationship needs to end.

SewingAndCakes · 04/07/2015 19:43

I don't think it would be a particularly kind thing to do to leave him when his dad is possibly dying.

Original poster

FaithLoveandHope · 04/07/2015 20:03

So what am I supposed to do sewing ? When his dad dies that'll be a bad time too. I realise my first post came across as really harsh, there's a lot more to it than my OP but I've got to get DSS ready for bed so will be back soon.

OP posts:

missqwerty · 04/07/2015 20:10

My dad died of cancer this year, we argued a bit before and had rough times too whwn I was grieving. We get married in a few months. Nobody can make this choice but you, all couples argue. But if your sat rolling your eyes it's not a great way to communicate is it. Forget the wedding or the future for now, just support him and re-evaluate afterwards.

SewingAndCakes · 04/07/2015 20:47

I'm sorry, I just reread my post and I didn't mean to be so abrupt. I'm not sure really, I think only you can know what your limits are, and how long you can continue. I think missqwerty has good advice about just supporting him for now, without thinking about the future. Maybe some counselling on your own would help you to work through your thoughts about the relationship. What a difficult situation to be in.

ErniesGhostlyGoldTops · 04/07/2015 20:58

I think you have to go with your gut feeling. You sound a bit like you have checked out and probably with good reason. Certainly don't get married. Maybe beetle along for a bit and see how you feel in a fixed amount of time but...if you start to fantasise about being away from him, you have your answer. Trust the answer that comes from your subconscience.

Original poster

FaithLoveandHope · 04/07/2015 22:19

Sorry for the delay in updating, DSS is unwell so have been trying to get him to settle. I think we've been in this rut for ages. We've been arguing on and off for the last year, but I don't know if perhaps I'm just focussing on the bad rather than the good. I just don't know if I'm in love with him any more. One friend thinks this could just be because of all the arguing - but that's not normal is it? I really don't know what to do! Do we still sign the contract for the new place or do we have some space from each other or what? I feel so bad as I don't want to hurt him. I can't imagine not being there for him when his Dad does die but at the same time I don't feel happy in this relationship.

OP posts:

antimatter · 04/07/2015 22:23

What is your housing situation now?

You mention dss. Are there more kids?

Original poster

FaithLoveandHope · 04/07/2015 22:35

We're living together now but our contract runs out soon, hence the new place. No children together, just DSS from his previous relationship.

OP posts:

antimatter · 04/07/2015 23:04

Can't you extend on rolling monthly basis where you are now so you feel you aren't stuck for the next 6 or 12 months?

Original poster

FaithLoveandHope · 04/07/2015 23:12

Unfortunately not as the landlord wants to sell and so we do have to move out at the end of our contract.

OP posts:

antimatter · 04/07/2015 23:16

Is the next contract 6 or 12 months. Can either of you afford to pay the rent if the other decides to move out?

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