Hand-holding needed... I've nearly done something very self-destructive and its really set me back

[namechangenorah]

I'm a few months out of what had become an abusive and damaging relationship and am generally surprising myself with my ability to cope: I have been feeling better than I dared hope, my child is coping fine, I feel freer, my social life has improved, my focus on work has improved. Generally feeling pretty good about the progress I've made, considering the past few months of my life have been hell.

In the last few weeks I had started to become embroiled in what could have been a very self-destructive new relationship. It's been knocked on the head and pulled back from the brink before it really got off the ground, thankfully. Can't really go into more detail for fear of outing myself (I know that sounds paranoid, and I am) but there were numerous logistical reasons to do with not s**tting where you eat why it couldn't have gone ahead.

So no great shock, no harm done and its all for the best.

But what's really shocked me is that I was sleepwalking into a bad and dangerous situation with someone who I knew was bad for me on every conceivable level. I knew that this person was damaged, had a serious addiction (when this was one of the reasons I ended my marriage), generally had the potential to really hurt me and hurt my self-esteem. I don't think this person has much respect for me and I don't think I respect him much. I also knew it couldn't work at a practical level, even if this person had been right in other ways.

And yet I could not stop myself walking into it.

Why, knowing what I know about myself and my tendency to go for damaged and damaging people, and knowing how badly I needed to avoid this, did I do it to myself again? Why did I risk my child's happiness and well-being? (child wasn't introduced to him and won't be by the way) when she most needs me, by very nearly going from the frying pan into the fire? I'm old enough to know better.

Sorry if this sounds self-indulgent and childish. Nobody died. But it's really upset and scared me. I am seeing a counsellor, and I am fully aware of these damaging patterns. But I don't yet seem to have grown up and learned from any of it. Is it possible to get past this?

Hah! You're knocking yourself again........

I reckon you're doing better for yourself than you think. You walked after all - and before too much damage was done - so look on it as a little moment of weakness which you now recognize. It wasn't stupidity.

It's not a quick overnight journey, sadly, and you might have the odd slip, but as long as you can try to stay on the general path, you should improve - and your counsellor should help. What else have you got going on in your life as well? Please tell me you're not sitting night after night just thinking about things.

cozie not at all... My social life has improved exponentially since the split (with H). I'm not lonely or bored at all...
Just still not dealing very well with the underlying problems in my emotional life.

I didn't mean simply being alone - which I think personally can be quite energizing and good for you - more like sitting and brooding. What you said sounds just a tad like 'being lonely in the crowd'/'making busy'.

What do you do during the quiet times - if you have any?

And how does your child fit into all of this?

cozie I don't mean that I am out partying every night... I have a base of good friends, some old some new and I am not sitting around feeling sorry for myself is all I meant.

I don't have a great deal of down time though... I have a high pressure, full time job and my child is in ft childcare. Not ideal maybe but no choice in the matter.

For what it's worth and without meaning to sound complacent, my child has so far adapted well to her father's departure from the home...

But it's true that I probably haven't had time to really take stock of the situation or to get in touch with myself. I don't have the luxury at the moment.

Your post reminded me of this poem. As PP said, you're doing much better than you're think:

“I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn't my fault.
It still takes me a long time to get out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in. It's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault. I get out immediately.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

I walk down another street.”

? Portia Nelson, There's a Hole in My Sidewalk: The Romance of Self-Discovery

...I don't have the luxury at the moment...

Fair enough - but establishing and defending some time for you yourself might be something to think about in the immediate future ? I reckon you just might benefit from it.

Interesting poem, mei.

PS - you might consider using some of the 'friend time' even? You don't want to end up being concerned about being on your own as long as it's not going to be sitting around listening to sad music.

You were testing him. Using him to see if he was like your DH. Even though you knew he was. And you cut it off right at the beginning, like you wish you could have with DH (apart from the obvious benefit of your dd)
You played out what you wished you could have done.
Well done for ditching the twats, by the way.
The increased sexual need is a right pain when you end a bad relationship, though. It's the primal drive at work and a clear signal of attractiveness and easy validation if you get into a sex situation, which, if you are already a bit emotionally vulnerable, is so very easily mistaken for way more than it is (by your subconscious - your right thinking brain knows what's going on, but you don't half tell it to shut up!)

Well played for knocking that on the head.

meiisme that's very powerful. Thanks.
Fast yep the sexual thing blindsided me: I hadn't had it for so long.

Been reading about Limerance on the other thread and have experienced this. I don't think this was really Limerance because I knew it was primarily sexual, but it did have a scarily powerful grip for a bit...

My grandfather used to say "the only truly failed experiment is that from which you've learnt nothing".

OP, I agree you were testing yourself. And you passed! Look at it like that. No real harm done and a small price for such a big chunk of wisdom! Well done, you!