*trigger warning* please help me to decide if I should report my historical rape.

[KnackardMum14]

Please bear with me. My mind is all over the place at the moment.

When I was 11 years old I was sexually abused by my cousin (early 20's, fathers side). It has taken over a decade to cone to terms with the fact that it was rape. I was groomed and therefore believed in a sick weird way that it was my fault and was consenting.

I no longer have any contact with any of my father's family. including my father himself. He has never been a stable figure in my life. It was one of the main things my cousin was able to groom me with. "your dad doesn't love you. but I do. I'm the only person on this side of the family that does."

Over the past 12 years I have had counselling, therapy and have seen a psychiatrist. I thought I had come to terms with it all but I haven't. The other day I ran into him (cousin) whilst out with my husband. We didn't speak but after just seeing his face I couldn't help but burst into tears and it brought all the emotions back to the surface. I've been deteriorating into a depression ever since.

I feel so fucking guilty. my cousin has daughters himself. that are now around the age I was when he abused me. I've kept quiet for so long and so many other girls may have been abused all because I am too afraid.

at the time of the abuse it stopped because I wrote "something suspicious" in my diary, according to my mother. which lead to questioning. I was petrified and admitted he had tried to kiss me and nothing more. I thought I'd get into trouble. contact with cousin was stopped and nothing more was ever said.

About 18 months ago I got a confession from my cousin. He had been contacting me on Facebook (which I had always ignored). I snapped and asked him what the hell he was playing at contacting me after repeatedly having sex with me as a child. He reply was simply "stupidity".

This morning I couldn't take it anymore. I honestly felt like I was going to throw myself out of the nearest window if I didn't do something. I rang 101 and enquired what would happen if I decided to report it. The lady I spoke to was very nice but it has left me even more terrified than before. I can't help but think that like in a lot of rape cases I won't be believed/ I deserved it/ it's my own fault. I'm scared of telling my family. My husband knows but he isn't very emotive and it's hard to talk about this kind of thing with him.

I'm scared what people will think of me. I'm scared how it will affect my mental health/ marriage/ family.
I'm scared of what people will say about me. I'm just fucking scared.

I'm sorry if I am rambling or not making sense. I can't think straight.
I know it sounds stupid but I don't want to go through the emotional trauma all over again for nothing to happen. A recent eastenders rape storyline put me off reporting it even more for fear of not being believed ( I know that makes me sound pathetic. I feel pathetic).

One day I think "ill report it. I have a confession. It's not my word against his anymore".
Other days I think "he was deny, the evidence I have won't be accepted/ not enough".

I honestly can't get this out of my mind and I'm going crazy. will it be worth it? or will I be worse off? will I be exactly the same as I am now except everyone will think I'm a liar/ slut.

Please help me clear my head and make a decision once and for all. I'm desperate.

Of course the right thing to do in a perfect world is to report it and hope that he is given a custodial sentence, but I would imagine the process to get there is long and hard. Make sure you are in the right frame of mind, your DH needs to be supportive and honestly, it's sounds like maybe he could see a counsellor to better understand how you are feeling and how he can best support you.

How is your relationship with your mum? Could you get RL support from her?

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I believe you

Thank you everyone for all the messages. I am reading and taking it all in.

I understand what people are saying about needing support. I have already enquired about more counselling and have been told I will have help throughout the process.

I highly doubt My husband would go to counselling. I love him dearly but he isn't an emotional man at all. I doubt that will change now.

I have an ok relationship with my mother. we're not exactly close, but she has no idea how far the abuse went. she blamed herself when the she discovered the small amount she already knows. God knows how she would be if I told ger the truth.

I just keep thinking I'd have an easier life if I kept quiet. but that's selfish.
I'm well aware there were most likely others after me. My cousin told me of his 15 year old 'girlfriend' ay the time of my abuse so I am aware there were certainly more before me.

I may be okay now. As okay as I can be. But when I lay in bed at night I feel guilty. i can't help but think is he abusing some poor girl right now? family obviously isn't off limits and thee are a lot of young girls on my father's side, including my cousins own children. The guilt I feel is horrible. I actually feel like I'm burning.

I'm back to being unsure again now.

I'm going to go back to my gp this week and request further counselling. I don't think making a decision as big as this whilst I'm do confused is a very good idea.

Thank you to everyone for listening to my ramblings. It's helped just being able to get it all down

Are there any specialist counsellors near you, knackered? My friend went to a wonderful (free) local service called womankind, who were excellent. Not sure if you rang rape crisis? Xx