DH trip away - feeling annoyed

[jollyjester]

Hi I'm not sure why I'm posting, just want to vent a bit as no one in RL to talk to.

DH decided last year to go on a 2 week trip this summer with a group he had slight involvement with in the past. I wasn't asked if I minded his going to a dangerous country / using 2 weeks of his annual leave / paying a silly amount of money and we resolved our arguments about this. He's going not much I can do.

Anyway there is another woman going who wasn't originally meant to but someone dropped out so she is on his trip.

I'm jealous of her. She's my age but slim / pretty / no stretch marks from having DC & just nice. Shes passive aggressive nice towards me and I hate the thought of her spending this trip with DH doing things that yes I would like to have done but someone has to stay at home with DD.

To be honest if DH and I were to meet now we probably wouldn't be married as we are very different to when we met 15 years ago but we still have a happy marriage with just the usual fallouts!

I did tell DH my concerns and his response was that I should try to be friends with this woman to see that she is nice and not a threat.

Im not really sure what I want, I just want to know how I'm going to get through the trip (he won't be able to be contacted) and the aftermath of stories / photos etc that I'll have to listen to on repeat.

Thanks everyone for the replies. To everyone around us he appears to be doting father and great husband but I just feel like I'm so far down the list that there's not much point any more.

He gladly gives up his time for organisations / work etc but won't spend time with DD and I unless asked. He recently drove off and left me when we were out shopping one day cause he forgot about me.

I told him this afternoon that I was worried about him going and got told that I'm not to worry, it'll be fine

I just wish I had a bit more of his time

It's not the fact he's going away to do charity. Whether he's going away doing aid work or going away to get drunk the whole time - the fact still remains he is choosing to go away for 2 weeks to a foreign country with his friends without a second thought for his wife and child - oh and he also used their money to fund it meaning his wife and child now have to go without a holiday! All this without speaking to his wife before making plans. But yep well done him for doing aid work

I think it sounds like he's 'me me me' in this relationship.

Obviously this isn't your only issue.

Tell him you and your daughter need to be his number 1 priority or you're gone.

So, basically, for two whole weeks, he and this woman (whowill more than likely be staying at the same hotel) will be eating breakfast together, lunching together, doing activities together, going on excursions together, sharing cosy drinks in the evening together -
All the things that, as a married man - he should be doing with his wife.

He might dress it all up to you that he's in a 'group' and that makes it OK, but the fact remains, that this woman is taking on your role for two whole weeks.

I wouldn't be happy with him going.
If it were me, I would find babysitting and get me a ticket.
Do you have Grandparents or trusted friends that could babysit your DD?

I have a friend who's husband spent all his spare time offering aid to far flung countries. He was an arsehole to his wife and kids , she was not even on his priority list and their kids right at the bottom of his list. The world and media thought he was a superhero.

She finally ended the marriage because he was abusive and neglectful. Their kids don't want anything to do with him now and he can no longer go on these altruistic holidays because she's stopped supporting him his expensive hobby.

Sorry, not much help to you. I'm with the majority,there's plenty of people who can do aid work, when you have a young family your priority should be at home.

Are you taking two weeks off by yourself, funded by family money? If not, perhaps you should and your dh should be made to understand that you are completely within your rights to do so, he will of course be looking after his dd while you are away, see what he thinks of this idea.

He drove off and forgot about you? It sounds like there are more issues at play here than just a two week stint with a charity abroad, which is pretty admirable in itself.

A relative of mine does aid work and is often abroad for months at a time - but there are no children/partner to consider so it really doesn't matter if she wants to bugger off for five months to the Sudan, or wherever. She has no dependants at home so she's free to do what she wants. Your DH has a child and a wife at home and therefore he can't just bugger off when he chooses without any regard for his family.

I mean, two weeks of aid work abroad is a noble thing to do and I think if there were no other issues and he was spending enough time with you and DD outside of that, it wouldn't be a huge problem. But it's pretty shitty of him to prioritise everyone else over his wife and kids. Why are you always at the bottom of his list of priorities? It sounds horrible

jollyjester,
I'm all for people giving their time to do Voluntary Service overseas, if they have no commitments. It's usually something that students do in their "gap year" before they settle down to a career and family.

I think you need to re-evaluate this relationship when he comes back as I'm afraid his attitude doesn't bode well for the long-term.

I'm sorry to go against the majority. But I don't see the problem with the holiday in itself. My parents have been together many years and both have taken similar length holidays individually at various points. Although neither for as good a cause.

The leaving you at a shopping centre, that's a whole different matter totally leave the bastard for that

Peggy yes I can manage but am I not allowed to be annoyed that he booked the trip knowing I wasn't fully on board? Spending half his annual leave going to somewhere he cant be contacted in my book is a bit selfish when he has a family.

I don't think I would want to take off on my own for any time. I'd miss DD too much and DH would just draft MIL in to do everything and that would give her immense satisfaction that I was off on my jollies alone!

I think when he comes back we need to reevaluate our whole relationship. The trouble is he never thinks hes done anything wrong.

I wonder how he would feel if you did some research & said I have found the perfect place to go. I am going for 2 weeks next year to x country to do charity work & you can stay at home with our child. It will cost x amount of our family budget.

Some of these charity work placements cost thousands & only a small amount actually goes to the people/animals who really need it.

This type of work is however great to put on your CV

But it should not be at the expense of your primary family unit

If your child is 4 then presumably she is starting school very soon. Do you work? Because if so the two of you are going to need every day possible to cover the school holidays.

Dh and I are splitting our holiday a bit so that we can keep did out of holiday childcare. (Because she got very upset about the idea of going.) If my child had to go into childcare because Dh had gone on a two week holiday by himself I would find that pretty unforgivable.

seems to have not taken into account that looking after a child for two weeks on your own is a lot to ask for

He didn't ask though, did he? He just assumed that the OP was willing and available to cover his childcare responsibilities and made no provision for the fact that she might not. Not even a nod in her direction to pretend that he considers her an adult with her own life and priorities. It's a disgraceful way to treat someone.