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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Boyfriend moving to another country

24 replies

Karenkiki23 · 02/07/2015 16:43

Hi,
My boyfriend of 3 years and many months is moving back to his home country. We decided that we should try out the long distance relationship thing, as we have both not tried it before and don't know what it is like - we don't want any regret for not trying. We have been through a lot to be together and to where we are now, so to be honest I don't think it will not work.
I said that I am up for a challenge, but deep down inside, I feel scared and worried that it wouldn't work. I am a very emotional person. and having the thought of seeing other people together would make me think of us, that feeling of missing someone is not great, the touch feeling perhaps, and the smile on their face, especially if they are in a different country. We have discussed on travelling to see each other, but I don't know whether I can cope with all this travelling.

I asked him how long he is staying there and whether he is going to move back, he said he is definitely staying there for at least a year and he will see how it goes after. I think the only reason why I have other thoughts or worried in my head is because of the time period issue (I don't know how long he is away for...) This issue is making me think everyday and stressing me out.

Before he moves away in August, I wanted to spend time with him together, even if its just sitting on the sofa watching TV, but he said that he don't want to get into it too deep because as the time comes it would be hard for us, especially me to see him go.
I just wanted to spend some time with him before he goes really. The next time we will see each other is in December.

OP posts:

Tryharder · 02/07/2015 16:55

Why is he moving?

I think at this stage in your relationship he would either make it work with you in this country or he would be making plans for you to emigrate with him.

Obviously no one on this thread is in your boyfriend's head and so cannot say for sure but I would conclude that he's just not that into me and is letting me down gently.

Twinklestein · 02/07/2015 17:02

Eh? You've been together 3 years, how is that not deep?

Essentially what he's saying is that he doesn't particularly want to see you between now and when he leaves.

I think he's ending the relationship by moving home, he just doesn't have the guts to say so.

AuntyMag10 · 02/07/2015 17:07

3years is a fair amount of time to know where your relationship stands. Why is he moving? And have yourll discussed every other option where yourll are not parted?
I think after 3 years if he doesn't feel the relationship is 'deep' enough, then you both are probably not on the same page.

StonedGalah · 02/07/2015 17:10

Sorry i think he's ending it too. The gutless way.

BuggersMuddle · 02/07/2015 17:14

Sorry OP - I agree with others that he's ending it. Tbh even if that's not his intention, it's not really going anywhere is it?. Unless you are both very, very young it seems to me that waiting around for this man is a waste of your time.

DontKillMyVibe · 02/07/2015 17:20

Sorry, another one here who thinks he's ending it due to the bollocks about not wanting to see much of you before he goes as it would be too 'deep'. You've spent 3 yrs together! If he was in love and wanted it to work he'd be trying to cram in as much time as possible with you before he left. Or he wouldn't be leaving at all - you'd have discussed your plans as a couple together and moved/left as a unit.

Olddear · 02/07/2015 18:10

I thinks it's over, sorry. He's already left.

Rebecca2014 · 02/07/2015 18:18

I agree with the others, it already is over but he is to much of an coward to end it before he leaves. No man who loved you would move to another country or not want spend time with you. Sorry.

Original poster

Karenkiki23 · 02/07/2015 18:29

Thanks for your replies everyone. really appreciate it.
sorry about the confusion that I didn't explain properly.

the reason he is moving back to his home country is because of visa issues. we are both young, around our mid 20s and we're both not ready for marriage. he said he sees me.in his future and me too, I do see him in my future but it's that distance. I'm scared things will grow aparr.
He has to go back and back there he said he might as well do a year work experience and see how things goes.
we did discuss with each other that we will communicate more and travel to see each other. since he's moving in August , we won't see each other till December when I travel over there.
does anyone think long distance work out, obviously everyone is different.

OP posts:

Duckdeamon · 02/07/2015 18:31

Agree with posters that he is taking the cowardly way out of ending your relationship.

scribblegirl · 02/07/2015 18:41

I have friends who have had visa issues in their relationships. All of them, without exception, have gone back for the bare minimum of time, worked their arses off for money in crap jobs and come back as soon as they are physically allowed in the country. And they have moved much closer to marriage as a concept that will be helpful to them in enabling them to continue what they already hope is a 'forever' relationship.

Of those couples, some have survived it, some haven't and have split. But your boyfriend isn't doing those things. So sadly, I don't see it working

Perhaps if you two were to split and see other people, move on and agree that one day, if in the same country again, you'd give it a go - then maybe. But not now, when his priority really doesn't seem to be the relationship.

RepeatAdNauseum · 02/07/2015 18:43

Long distance can't work forever. Some people manage to keep their relationships going when they are temporarily apart, but it's usually a lot of effort - you both need to be very dedicated and faithful, and you need to make plans to see each other often, speak lots and know when you'll be together again. It's that idea of being back together for good that keeps you going.

It doesn't sound like your boyfriend knows if he will come back. Will his visa issues ever end?

I wouldn't put my life on hold for a year, incase he settles there and won't come back. He'll have family and friends there, and possibly a career after a year. He'll live somewhere and have belongings. He may not want to come back, or he may meet someone else who lives there. It's a long time to wait just to see if he feels like coming back.

I'd look into staying together, either here or in his home country. If you can't, seriously consider what this means for you.

badow · 02/07/2015 18:44

Why are you not considering moving with him?

SlaggyIsland · 02/07/2015 18:52

Mid-twenties isn't that young to get married.
I'm not in a long-distance relationship as such but at present my husband is away a lot for work, up to 2 months at a time. It's hard, brutally hard. One needs a very solid foundation to the relationship indeed for it not to start to slip and go wrong. Do you think you have that? I sense something very tentative about your descriptions of a potential future together.
A long-distance relationship with no concrete plans for being re-united in the future would be an absolute no-no for me.

Original poster

Karenkiki23 · 02/07/2015 18:59

I have considered moving with him. I just started my career here and if I was to move I need to find something that I want to do over there.
I agree with you guys, long distance cannot last forever, the issue is time period of how long has going to be away for . he said he is definitely staying for a year.for work experience and during that year he will explore and find out what he wants to do. he cannot guarantee that he will come back after a year, as he hasn't lived in his country for 8 years. he wants to explore the markets. I do support him, because I want him to become successful and to get what he wants.

OP posts:

Nolim · 02/07/2015 18:59

My oh and i have lived apart for long periods of time due to a combination of work and visa circumstances before having dp. It is not easy but we did it. The main thing was to have clear goals and timelines.

magoria · 02/07/2015 20:01

Sounds like he is giving you lots of vague maybe I am not sure about the future but please put your life on hold while I decide comments.

BitOutOfPractice · 02/07/2015 21:41

I agree it does seem strange that he doesn't want to see you more.

I have done long distance and it can work brilliantly. BUT you have to be very clear about timescales and both be very definitely on the same page. I'm not sure you two are

Rebecca2014 · 02/07/2015 21:45

Sorry but I still think he doesn't want be with you. Why is he so vague about his future? if he loved you, he be working out how he could get back into the country. He would want spend time with you before he leaves. None of that is happening here...

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 03/07/2015 05:43

If he can't guarantee that he will come back, then you can't guarantee that you will wait for him, right?

Seventylooming · 20/05/2019 13:23

Hello, I'm well into my retirement, but my partner is younger by about 5 yrs. He wants to retire to Spain. I don't want to go, my family is here and I've made a life for myself in London.
Should I give it a try it say goodbye! Been together 12 yrs.

Thingsdogetbetter · 20/05/2019 17:45

@Seventylooming you need to start a new thread. Adding to a 4 year old one isn't going to get any advice. And is very annoying.

PutyourtoponTrevor · 20/05/2019 17:56

Is he going to Yemen?

Seventylooming · 21/05/2019 05:27

Sorry, my fault . I'm new here.

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