I ruined my life because I was weak and scared

[brasseur]

I am 40 with a little boy of 2, I am a stay at home Dad, been with my wife for 19 years and married for 13 years she has a very good well paid job which makes our life on one wage comfortable.

My parents both died suddenly when I was in my early 20's and I had a kind of breakdown, did very badly in my finals at university after that I just drifted. My wife at that time my girlfriend was my lifeline, being driven, knowing exactly what she wants and getting it she seemed very strong to me and I needed that. During that time she left me several times to try things with other men telling me directly that she would rather be with a man who could match her income and that she felt her quality of life would suffer with me. I always took her back, when these affairs ended.

Around this time I did meet someone else and i I did fall in love with her. She was the only person I have ever been able to be myself with and not feel bad about who I am or pretend to be something else. I am ashamed to say part of my reason for not starting a relationship with her (we were only ever friends) was that I did want the security and lifestyle my wife could provide me with, I am a wealthy background and used to a certain lifestyle. This other woman was working class and lived in a council flat and that did put me off imagining the hard life we would both have as low earners so I stayed with the women who would become my wife.

Eventually we married after she gave me an ultimatum. I put off asking her to marry me for a long time because I had so many doubts. It was ok at first but things got worse, my wife has a very stressful job and as she rose up and worked longer hours our relationship suffered. She would come home in bad mood every day and it would be hours before she would even speak to me. We had very little quality time together,So much tme was spend on socialising with her friends and colleagues and her charity work (sounds great but it was all part of her image building) it felt like the only time we spent real time alone was if we went on holiday.

She wanted a baby badly after a few years, I didn't but hoped it would bring us together. It made sense for me to be the main carer but my wife resents me for not working, for not making enough when I do work, she resents the time I spend with our son and the times she has to care for him while I get a break at weekends say to go for a run or (rarely) watch a game with friends. She doesn't treat me like a partner or lover but as a member of staff who is always doing a bad job. Even so she is now talking about having another baby and I don't think I can do it.

I realise now when my parents died and I had my breakdown I handed the reins of my life to a woman I would probably not have stayed with in different circumstances. She saw my weakness and both abused and despised me for it. She railroaded me into every decision in my adult life jobs, marriage, children, where to live and so on. I don't blame her because I wanted her to do it I didn't want responsibility for my own life and I see that when real love showed up that would require my to be a man for once I ran away from it like a scared little boy back to mummy.

Now perhaps because I feel responsible for someone else's life as a parent I can finally take responsibility for my own. I am not sure what needs to happen. I don't think my wife and I really love each other, perhaps we never did but there may be some way to work things out, it just doesn’t feel like it.

I do think there is love in this relationship. There was no children and either of you could have walked at any time.

OP admitted he started and married his wife for what she could provide him with.
I am pretty sure there are women who marry high earners so they can be sahms.

I feel sad for the mother in that after supporting him through awful times and facilitating him to be a SAHP by being the main wage earner she might be facing the possibility of losing her child as he has changed his mind about what he wants.
It is sad when a relationship ends, but staying in an unhappy one is even sadder.

OP, I am appalled by some of the answers you've had on here. That the term I will not repeat has even been mentioned is sickening. Sadly I think you're reaping the full benefit of a gender-split and mutually hostile society. I am a sahm at the mo, anyone want to start calling me similar names? Do feel free to try.

To answer the op, it sounds to me like you are in an emotionally abusive relationship right now. I suggest you could look at this thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2360895-Support-for-those-in-emotionally-abusive-relationships-thread-31

The mistake you made all those years ago will kill you if you let it. I made a similar though lesser one so I can dimly empathise. It is hard, but you have to live in the present, and look to the future. There is a world out there for you. Leave this marriage.

I'm not that familiar with the law and custom regarding children in divorce proceedings, but as primary carer right now I think you'd have a good case for continuing in that vein. Your wife may even prefer that if she's been the outer world contact.

As far as the emotional impact on your son is concerned, yes it will be hard for the short term. But as a survivor of toxic parents, I always say it is harder on the child to stay. Have a look at the stately homes thread for that. If your wife is abusing you at the least he will grow up thinking that is a normal relationship. There is also the risk that your wife will turn on him too - a very big risk, that is what abusers do, they abuse all close to them - and believe me a child raised with that will pay for it his whole life.

Never stay in an unhappy marriage 'for the sake of the children'. They are flexible about many matters but need to be raised in happiness and love, they will forgive anything if you can give them that.

I wish you all the best.

I haven't got any useful advice, but I'd just like to give you .

I'm an SAHM, and your phrase doesn't treat me like a partner of lover but as a member of staff who does a bad job rings true for my life.

I hope you can work out how to have a more fulfilling life.

I think your wife knows you married her for the money and resents you for being at home with the child. If you went out to work in a decent job PT she could also work PT and have more time with her child. For how long were you married, when by your own admission, you did nothing, before the child was born ?

ARE you actually the SAHP? do you care for the child FT and mange the house, cleaning ,cooking, shopping, social life and everything else that a traditional SAHM does ? or is your child in nursery half the time and your wife still doing the washing ironing cleaning and cooking when she gets home from her FT job while you sit on your bum ?

You sounds like you despise each other - get a backbone, get some qualifications, get a decent job and talk to your wife about whether there is anything left between you to work on,,, seems not to be honest

I may be being a little harsh saying 'abusive' - my own reaction to certain earlier posts - but 'toxic' is certainly a good word for it. You shoukd try to talk to her first I think, see if you can rebuild, perhaps try relationship counselling if need be. But if she won't listen or try, there's few options left.

I believe if the genders were reversed the OP would be advised by at least some posters to enter training and/or paid employment. I'd have been one of 'em. One partner working, one earning is fine when that's how they both like it. In this situation it seems neither of them do.

actually from the age of your DS, you were at home for ELEVEN years being supported by your wife doing what exactly ?

Yes I call the OP a cocklodger. Just as I would a woman who sits at home living off the rich man she married for the lifestyle he could provide.

I feel for you both, but I understand why she might despise you

OP, you are 40. You have another 30 years of working life ahead of you. It is by no means too late to start dreaming of a career and a new life. Yes, it's a big step - and terrifying - but you can do it. And you should.

I understand what you say about the material comforts, but maybe you realise now in your 40s that actually these things aren't all that meaningful and that no amount of nice soft furnishings can compensate for unhappiness. I don't think that has anything to do with your manliness, btw. I think it's a mistake that many people, men and women, make.

I do think you should forget about the other woman, though, and work through some of these issues as as single man for a while. It sounds as though there are a lot of issues connected to the very sad death of your parents and that you may benefit from speaking with a counsellor about these and getting straight about what you can and can't control in your life before you move on to a new relationship. Taking responsibility for action is a BIG step, and you need to focus just on that for a bit.

OP you have my sympathy about losing your parents, I too have lost a parent at a young age, and I know how it can completely derail your life. However, this tragedy is long past, and you need to stop letting it be your excuse and reason for not taking control of your own life.

You say in your post that you feel your wife treats you like an employee, well TBH...I am not surprised that this is the case. You have handed yourself over to her, she has had to take control and so in her life your are like a child or employee that she needs to direct and be responsible for. I find it appalling that you say your were with your wife, due to the lifestyle she could provide you. I also find the same about you falling for someone and walking away from what could be, because life would be too hard/financially poorer with this person. My opinion there, is that you need to stop holding on to this person in you mind as a chance at love that you walked away from, as I believe that if you really had been in love with this person....her financial status wouldn't have mattered. Love is not about a persons job or their bank balance....love is the overriding warmth and depth of feeling you have in the face of adversity whatever the hardships may be.

I think your wife certainly resents the easy life she thinks you have, and while she has been career focussed in the past you now have a child and she resents all the extra time you get to have with your son. Its not surprising either that she even resents the time she gets to spend time with her child while she gives you a break. I don't think though its the time she spends with your child that she resents, what she resents is giving you a break...because I don't think she feels you deserve it in her eyes.

I think OP that its time to man up (no offence intended) but you need to stop letting the past hold you back. You cannot continue to blame the death of your parents and things your wife did in your early relationship as reasons why you have not taken your life into your own hands. I think you have found life with your wife so comfortable that this has enabled you to go with the flow and not take action. I also think that while you have been comfortable not working, I think that not working has allowed your own value and self worth to ebb away over time. I think its also the reasons why you have gone along with things your wife has wanted, such as getting married and having a child because she is the sole financial provider and you felt you owed to her in return to give her what she wanted. If you got yourself a job, regardless of the hours, what it pays, if its fancy or run of the mill...I think you will find and like the little bit of independence it gives your and the boost of much needed self esteem you will get, I also think your wife would respect you much more and resent you less.

Don't be discouraged by the mountain you feel you have to climb but instead be excited about taking your life as your own! Doing things that give you a sense of self, make you realise you have more to offer than being a subservient husband and having value as person in your own right.

I don't know if the things your have talked about in your post spell the end of your marriage, only you can answer that for yourself. I do think though that now is the time to take the bull by the horns and stop letting life pass you by.

I wish you well, and lots of luck with whatever you do.

OP have you been at home since your child was born 2 years ago or for the 19 years you've been together?

I don't read emotional abuse. She was a cheaty so and do early in their relationship but clearly determined to have this (as was) easy going man in her life. This obviously has changed. You want more from your life. You can't dwell on regrets. You need to take control of YOUR life. What do you want? Why blame her when you could have left long ago? Why focus on the loss of your parents in impacting your opportunities? (That was some years ago now, you're stronger now) Why mourn the loss of a more suitable match?
You need to look forward. Not back.
Improve your education / training.
Find more fulfilling work.

She doesn't treat me like a partner or lover but as a member of staff who is always doing a bad job.

This is the reason why you don't use this

I made my choice I might not like it but that I am here by my own hand.

As a reason to stick around.

feel sad for the mother in that after supporting him through awful times and facilitating him to be a SAHP by being the main wage earner she might be facing the possibility of losing her child as he has changed his mind about what he wants.

How is this any different for any working dad whose wife leaves and gets custody of the kids?
It may well be that if they do split they will go for 50-50 shared care or it may be that she or prefers to continue working FT (as do many men) and see her child EOW and 2 nights pw.

However, I do agree the OP needs to consider his own personal and career development.

Especially as, if they do split and share care he will have time to work PT.

Amd I agree there is as yet insufficient grounds to call EA. Not ruling it out the OP (where is he anyway?) would need to elaborate a bit on what his dw does before you could say one way or the other. At the moment it just sounds like an rs they both stayed on for convenience, then added in a kid. A similar rs to many others where one party is the main breadwinner. Neither one is happy.

This is an awful situation, and I can't think your wife is happy either. Obviously the loss of your parents was the driver for the way you ended up not completing your college course, but you still chose to prioritise material wealth subsequently.

Yes, the OP is now a SAHP, but there were many more years of being a passenger before then, unless I'm not understanding the timeline of things correctly.

OP, do you want to be your DS's primary carer if you split, or would you prefer just to be free? You need to raise this with your DW if she's pushing for another child.

As other posters have said, you have a lot of life left, it doesn't make any sense that you should both be miserable.

I can honestly say I don't know a single woman who has married a man for his money or so she can stay at home. Do people do that?

Of course some women do that Wherediditallgoright! I know a few myself.

OP has unsurprisingly not returned to the controversial thread.

I think you need to put the past behind you. Forget the lost love - she is long gone. Forget blame in your relationship up to this point - it sounds like you've had a dysfunctional relationship in which you've both fed into each other's needs, insecurities and failings.

At the heart of this is a small 2-year-old boy who needs his parents to show some maturity and create a better, healthier family dynamic. You may be able to do that as a couple (doubtful) or you can do that as separated people who parent together. Either way, you need to start planning for a future that is different to the life you're currently living.

How do you think your W would take a suggestion that you separate?