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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this a deal breaker? I'm bloody miserable

44 replies

AspieMum2002 · 01/07/2015 13:54

Id appreciate some outside RL views, i moved to a new part of the country this year and dont know anybody.
I'm seriously wondering if I should leave DP.
So I don't drip feed, will be as open as I can. We've been together 5 years. I have 3 teenage DCs from my 1st marriage, NC with their father on his choice, not mine.
On the whole me and DP have had a brilliant relationship. Happiness, fun times, very few arguments, and he's made me happier than anyone else ever has, but this last Year has been so mentally draining I don't know if I can go on with it. We've stopped laughing, stopped having sex, stopped talking like we used to.
I Miscarried 18months ago, and once I'd recovered enough from that, wanted to try again. But it's just gone downhill from there. We barely have sex at all anymore. It has been brought up a few times since (by me) but despite assurances that we could fix it, we haven't. When I've brought it up, what has followed has been what I can only see as 'Pity Sex'. He's doing it because he thinks he should, not because he wants to, iyswim.
Last week I brought it up again, in a calm and non-confrontational way- because the lack of intimacy is really depressing. He said "Well maybe if you went to the Gym, and looked better, I'd want to have sex with you more"
As an aside I'm a size 10-12, and do try to look nice. I'm actually 2 sizes smaller than I was at the beginning of the rship. But when I eat, he says "eating again?" in a joking type of way, or "why not make something to eat instead of snacking?".

He proposed to me a year ago, but recently said he felt 'pressured to do it' because I was so down at that time, and said he has changed his mind, he doesn't see the point in marriage. Who on earth 'Unproposes' to someone?

I asked him if he wants to end the relationship, as we are obviously not happy like we used to be anymore. He said he wants to work at it, and that he does love me. But it doesn't feel like it at all.

OP posts:

Wishful80sMontage · 01/07/2015 16:18

Op I'm sorry he sounds to me like he's too much of a wimp to tell you he doesn't want to be in this relationship anymore- and he's treating you like shit until you leave.you deserve better than this snidey coward get rid

SlaggyIsland · 01/07/2015 16:22

Leave him. He's treating you like shit.

ouryve · 01/07/2015 16:23

Actually, arsenal, if you think you can speak for all men, I shall speak for all women and say that we would rather you men didn't bottle things up and then say something irrelevant and cruel instead of being honest. The idea of lashing out is immature bollocks to be honest.

AspieMum you are miserable and your DP is being far from D. Unless D stands for dumped, because he needs to be.

Janette123 · 01/07/2015 16:34

Aspiemum2002,
This,
[He said "Well maybe if you went to the Gym, and looked better, I'd want to have sex with you more"]
Is verbal abuse.
My exH started with these kind of comments when he was cheating on me (and I was a size 12 at the time).

I think there's something else going on here and you need to challenge him on this. Tell him how his nasty comments make you feel and see what he says.

In any event I think you need to get all your ducks in a row and take advice from a solicitor as to your rights regarding separation.
The answer may well, sadly, be to boot his sorry @rse out of the door.

Jan45 · 01/07/2015 16:36

He wants to end it but instead of being a man and doing that, he's treating you like shit so you end it, do it, the fact he said go to the gym is enough for me to be saying bye bye.

Mitzimaybe · 01/07/2015 16:41

The more you post, the worse he sounds. I think you should LTB.

discophile · 01/07/2015 16:48

Yes, he sounds pretty unpleasant. Many people here are saying LTB. However, what is his relationship history? It is true that some people find the intimacy and at the same time mundanity (is that a word?) of day to day living together challenging. Really. What is his longest relationship and do you know why previous relationships have broken up?

Don't LTB until you are sure there's nothing you can do together to fix it.

He is pushing you away. Find out why.

wafflyversatile · 01/07/2015 17:00

Well he says he wants to work at it so then he needs to actually work at it, but doesn't seem to be actually doing anything to work on it so far.

It does seem that things changed after the MC so maybe it is tied into that. Maybe you need some couples counselling to help you communicate your feelings better to each other, or bereavement counselling?

do you want to work on it?

I think Arsenal makes good points. Whether we prefer it or not people sometimes cope badly after MCs and other unhappy events.

Spell99 · 01/07/2015 17:00

He may be thinking about a lost child when the thought of sex arises. Its pretty impossible to maintain interest if that's the case. If so he might not even be aware what the problem is. He needs to open up, if he wont talk to you or a counsellor you may need to make some hard choices.

Original poster

AspieMum2002 · 01/07/2015 17:44

wishful I think that too a lot of the time. I have actually asked him of that is the case directly, 'are you just treating me like this so I end the relationship, to save you the job?'.

He insists its not, and is just being honest that he doesn't feel like having sex.

OP posts:

Rebecca2014 · 01/07/2015 17:56

Maybe he feels pressured by you to have a baby he does not want?He may be scared if you have sex, you will get pregnant. You admitted it was you that was keen on a baby, not him.

Maybe time have a chat and tell him you accept your not going have a baby together...If I was him I properly be the same, how many women do you get who use protection but somehow get pregnant! lol.

Original poster

AspieMum2002 · 01/07/2015 19:16

Rebecca My DCs were all planned children. He knows me well enough to know that I would not do that.
I had a friend who did exactly that, four Babies to a reluctant DP. She took matters into her own hands, they had 4 DCs, and he left her a single Mum. I wouldn't have a baby 'accidentally on purpose' if that's what you mean.

This really isn't a pregnancy issue. If it was, I could probably understand.

OP posts:

discophile · 01/07/2015 21:31

What is his relationship history?

Original poster

AspieMum2002 · 01/07/2015 22:18

discophile his rship history is, never married, but 2 long term rships, a couple of short term ones. Both exes he had LTR with, are married now, happily I presume... His son's DM (my DSC) absolutely despises DP. I have been the one to make arrangements with DSC for a long time, it's less stressful that way.
My Rship history is 3 rships of a year-ish, and then a 10yr marriage, then met DP.

OP posts:

tribpot · 01/07/2015 22:26

My feeling is the miscarriage caused him to re-evaluate the relationship. Was it the first time you had actually needed to lean on him, rather than be the one providing the support?

If it is, then this guy is telling you he's no use to you in the long term. Unproposing was the right thing for him to have done.

pocketsaviour · 01/07/2015 22:32

It's all very well people saying "Oh well maybe he's feeling sad about the lost baby or frightened you'll get pregnant if you have sex"

After 18 months? Really? And if that was the case why would he say such a deliberately hurtful thing as (paraphrasing) "you're too fat to fancy" to a woman who's a size 10-12? Why bully her and make snide remarks about her eating?

Nope, I'm not buying it.

OP,

I have actually asked him of that is the case directly, 'are you just treating me like this so I end the relationship, to save you the job?' He insists its not, and is just being honest that he doesn't feel like having sex.

So he knows you're unhappy enough to end the relationship, but he isn't prepared to do anything about it?

If I was you I would call time on this fool.

discophile · 01/07/2015 22:35

I don't understand the abbreviations but I do get that his ex partner despises him. Is that right? Do you know why she despises him? Have you asked?

Having asked about his relationship history. I have to say that in my experience is it not that uncommon for people to either wait to be dumped or sort of push people into it.

If you moved to be near him, maybe he just can't face his own guilt?

Sorry you are miserable. It does sound awful.

penny13610 · 01/07/2015 22:56

This is the post that rings alarm bells for me.
It is usual to eat with DC and or DP.
You both sound unhappy, before your children get to suffer too much, get some help. Go to Relate or the GP or any other option you can find locally. It can take absolutely years to recover from a MC for some people. Be brave and get some support to help you make the right choices for you and your family.

penny13610 · 01/07/2015 22:57

"quitelikely5 I'm a smaller size now, because I eat at irregular times, usually save myself until night when DP has gone to work, and have my meal then so I can take my time with it."
Sorry link fail

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