Guilt and worry about how H will cope if I divorce him

[lifebeginsat42]

Tomorrow I have a first appointment with a solicitor to get an initial feel of what I can expect from a divorce settlement. To get myself prepped I've spent some time making notes and writing down all the key points, so that I don't get flustered and forget anything.

Now that it's all down on paper it reads terribly. It just sounds like a catalogue of shit and financial misery all caused by his stupid business mistakes. I'm no legal expert, but objectively it looks pretty heavily weighted to me.

If I go ahead with this he is going to take it very badly. I feel disloyal and nasty but the truth is I just can't take the stress and worry of it all any more. I need to protect myself and my children so there's still a family home to actually haggle over. If he carries on as he is he could well destroy all that. Add in the fact that he's not a loving and supportive husband and I've been unhappy for years.

So I should be fine with my decision, but I feel bad and guilty for not sticking by my marriage vows and living with this. I just feel so bad. He doesn't know anything about this yet btw as I wanted to get some legal advice first.

Why do I feel so bad? Does this mean I still love him and should give this more time, or am I just so used to propping him up and worrying about him, not me???

You don't need to justify yourself to anyone. You've clearly given this a lot of thought. You're unhappy and it is ok to end your marriage.

Last hurdle nerves. Keep going....

There is a book that may clarify your thoughts and help you be confident in your decision called 'should i stay, or should i go' by Lundy Bancroft.

I would imagine its the latter1

Also at some time in your life, you were close to and loving to this man; you can mourn that lost relationship and care about him as a person, without having to stay in a shitty relationship. It seems to me you're thinking and behaving perfectly logically under the circumstances

Marriage isn't just a one-sided promise, but a bargain made between you. If a company didn't deliver the goods you'd ordered you wouldn't still feel obliged to pay for them, would you? It says in the contract that you will pay - er yes, but it also says they will deliver, and they didn't. Your H didn't deliver either. In my book that makes the agreement null and void.

If it's definitely not fixable you're probably making the steps.

If you think you may love him still and think a happy future may be possible if you give his head a proper wobble, try your hardest to sort things out.

How do you mean heavily weighted to you?

You will kick yourself if you miss or lose this opportunity. You've worked up the nerve. It will seem to hard to do it again.

When would be a better time ? When the bailiffs are at the door ?

How would you feel if an estate agent was at your house right now doing a valuation because the house HAD to go on the market ?

Does your husband think the house will bail him out of his financial difficulties ? Does he just see it as an asset not the family home ?

I probably shouldn't equate this to domestic violence but if it was, when would you go to the police ? The first time you were assaulted ? The fifth ? The fiftieth ?

Basically, how much more are you supposed to take ? As a wife ? As a mother ?

The 'deliverables' mentioned by a poster upthread seems a good analogy.

What is there to work for if there's no common goals ?

Marriage has got a shit load more to it than just the few vows that are said on one's wedding day i.e. a load more dealbreakers.

I can respect a man I don't love but I can't love a man I don't respect.

Thanks for all replies. Yes I think it is probably last minute nerves. It is all starting to feel more real now I've actually taken the first steps. I have thought about this for years but never done anything.

I will go to the meeting as until I do then my thoughts on settlements etc are just guesswork. I am also going to buy and read the book over the weekend as I'm sure it will help to clarify that I'm doing the right thing.

In the back of my mind I suppose I'm worrying about making them wrong decision but I know deep down that if I don't do this I will regret it.

Time to take a BIG DEEP BREATHE AND DIVE IN.

Good on you. Good luck. Hold your nerve. This is just a meeting to discuss things.

It could be a very long road to the decree nisi and then the decree absolute.

I think you need to turn the question around the other way.

How on earth will this guy cope, what the hell will happen to him if you DON'T divorce him and stop this circus?

You're going to be doing far more than the fucker deserves by, basically, saving him from himself. Saving the house, so when he hits rock bottom and there's no more cash and nothing left to sell, he doesn't also lose his children for good by having to tell them that he's put them on the streets by his actions and that the house is being repossessed. Saving at least a tiny bit of respect from the rest of his family by removing him and his actions from your everyday lives, so that you don't eventually say - that's enough, don't contact us again, we honestly want nothing more to do with you. Saving his children from actually growing to hate this man as they get older - creating a bit of distance so, if he has to, he can carry on being a disaster and it won't also destroy their love for him as they watch it with increasingly adult eyes.

Stop it now. Because if he ever, ever manages to look on all this with opened eyes, the thing he will regret most bitterly is that he took you all down with him. You can stop that happening, it would seem. Good luck.