Realised I have no respect for DH

[TooMuchJD]

Our marriage is just a quarterly cycles of feeling generally pissed at each other, having rows, making up, everything ok for a while, then the cycle beginning again once the "best behaviour" time has worn off.

Have realised that I do generally view DH in the negative, try very hard not to, but his actions generally just come round to me being pissed off with him again. He starts cribbing & moaning about how terrible x,y,z is and I just roll my eyes and think "ffs...what is it now that he's cribbing about" - he is one of lifes moaners, glass half empty, negative kind of person (he would say he's a realist, I would say pessimist and then some), I then feel I have to deal with the shit, he resents this and calls me controlling, I back off and am then told I don't care about him or his feelings???

Had counselling, tried PMA, tried just ignoring it but nothing changes even when my attitude changes something will happen to bring us back down to the point where he threatens to leave is I don't change and start compromising?

thoroughly fed up of the drama, wholly incapable of deciding what is best action and if it is me that's is in the wrong what do I do about it?

I'm glad its not just me who has to deal with this shit daily.

DD (6) has asked when daddy & the dog are moving out (he has stated on more than one occasion in front of the younger ones that he may as well move out with the dog as no one else loves them). I asked her why she thought that and wouldn't she be sad if we didn't all live together. She replied "No it would be fine, I would just go and visit him on a weekend like DS1 (older brother, different dad) does".

I thought this was really sad but quite sobering at the same time. I haven't mentioned this conversation to DH as he would automatically assume I'm putting ideas in her head ready for when I kick him out

Another bloody row........another storm out by DH.
Atmosphere so toxic right now and he refuses to consider going & staying with friends/parents for a few days to allow things to calm down.
Started tonight because I'd forgotten to tell him something I'd informally chatted to his parents about at the weekend. We haven't been speaking all weekend so not likely to have been brought up in polite conversation. Escalates following conversation about DS1 and helping with maintenance stuff in the near future, apparently I belittle him by insisting that something stays in the shed when he wants to move it out (lawnmower?). Apparently I am venomous, always spouting poison, nasty claws out women who uses every opportunity to make him look like a twat....to which I may have replied that he didn't need any help........
Cue him shouting a lot of expletives and storming out - probably to the pub.

I admit that my attitude towards him at the moment is not good and I have a lot of anger an resentment built up and need time to let it go. Will I ever be able to let it go. Really don't like the person I have become around him at the moment but feel powerless and out of control of the situation :(

It doesn't matter if you are at fault too.

All that matters is that your relationship is bad.

The divorce court won't say "No, you can't have a divorce because you are both mean to each other. You can only have a divorce when one of you is perfectly behaved at all times."

2nd divorce makes me feel a complete failure :(

Staying in a bad marriage is a worse failure.

True Ketchup

Just feel I need to stop the world and get off for a while just to clear the crap out of my head and think straight. Hate the idea of being the bad guy and making the final decision to end as I know he will forever throw it in my face. I know this is not the most important consideration, just want to minimise the disruption to the kids as I know it will get messy, he's sulky enough when things are going ok. Finances etc. not an issue, contact and things relating to the kids will be......he will demand his rights as a father!

If it helps at all..he has no rights as a father. Only the children have rights.

My breaking point in your situation was finally coming to the realisation that no matter what I did, no matter how many long talks and him telling me I'm right and he needed to change but didn't, no matter how many ways I went out of my way to make sure he didn't have these moods - HE WILL NEVER CHANGE.

i always thought I could fix him, I gave him friends, family, prospects, a life. There was nothing more I could do. I was making all the effort, "walking on eggshells" and he was doing nothing.

It finally made me crack when he was moaning at me after being in hospital for 5 arduous days being induced, I finally gave birth to our second ds and he was moaning about how tired he was. i mean really????

When I got home after having a c section and was making all the meals and looking after my 2 ds', it took my health visitor to tell me that I shouldn't be hoovering as I had just had major surgery. I realised that I just automatically did those things to avoid the moaning if I were to ask him to do it. Ultimately I didn't want my ds' to grow up thinking that was any way to live life so I kicked him out.

I loved him so much. Looking after a 2 year old and a 3 week old by your self with no family support is pretty hard core but I can honestly say that not one single day since he left have I thought life would be better with him here.

It is utterly exhausting. It takes quite a bit of getting used to to put yourself and your feelings first (after your dc obviously) but I am slowly regaining the old me before I met him and my children are growing up in a stress free home.

Life is far too short for this. Your children are worth far more than this. You want them to go on to have normal, happy, healthy relationships, not the example you're showing them. Break the cycle.

He will not change, he has shown you time and time again that he does not respect you enough to so why would you stay with someone who doesn't respect you? Why would you let your kids see someone disrespect you?

You are stronger than you think you are and although the jump seems hard, I assure you life is so much easier and enjoyable day by day when your headspace can be filled with things other than his mood again and you have the weight of his issues taken off your shoulders. It's relentless. Even when you're not in the middle of it, you are anticipating it or trying to avoid it in some way.

You deserve better. Your kids deserve better. You have one life to live. Don't spend it with someone who brings you all down and has no intention of changing.

Also, no doubt he will demand his rights as a father. But that will initially be to get at you. You said yourself that he likes the idea of it more than that actual mundaness of it. I think you'll probably find that he won't want the responsibility so if I were you if he starts making demands about the kids, I would just calmly say, yes that's fine, we'll sort it all out. The more you protest, the more he will demand just to spite you.