Have you ever sabotaged a relationship without knowing why?

allypally1986 · 2015-06-30T08:49:09+00:00

I've just split with my long term partner and would love some stories of your own experiences. Have you ever broken up with someone or caused the relationship to fall apart without really knowing why? Does it ever become clear? All I can think about is how much he loved me and all the advice I am reading is for breaking up with men who are horrible pricks or mean, and he just wasn't!! He fought for me for months and I don't know why I have done this :(

schlong · 30/06/2015 11:36

Dig deep in your childhood my dear!(in faux Austrian accent)

schlong · 30/06/2015 11:38

You feel you're just not worth it? Unworthy of good love? Someone will have made you feel like that at critical points of your emotional development and you're re enacting that script. Who wrote it?

Aussiemum78 · 30/06/2015 11:39

Do you think you have depression?

Maybe he is not the right guy for you, even though he is lovely?

Do you have other things you want to do (travel, career) on your own?

Do you feel you don't deserve him?

LineRunner · 30/06/2015 11:44

In what ways did he 'fight for you', if you don't mind me asking?

Original poster

allypally1986 · 30/06/2015 11:48

He gave me constant reassurance, wrote me long letters about how much he cared for me, was patient and loving no matter how I behaved.

He moved to Yorkshire at the start of this year after we'd been together for 2 years (both living in london) and I was incapable of holding it together.

I don't think i was depressed although I feel like I might be now. The regret is just coursing through my veins

OP posts:

Original poster

allypally1986 · 30/06/2015 11:52

I do feel I'm worth it. I always felt like I was worth more - in that he should have stayed in london just for me, and I couldn't stop that thought from affecting my behaviour. Even though we probably could have compromise and moved somewhere entirely new together, I just couldn't stop myself from pushing him away.

I just think now if I'd been more patient and loving he would have been more willing to come back and then this never happened. He reassured me he loved me but concrete plans to live in the same place never materialised, and that was the one thing I needed. But if I'd have waited they probably would have and I wouldn't feel so horribly horribly low and regretful

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LineRunner · 30/06/2015 12:15

This rings a bell - have you posted before?

I don't see why anyone wouldn't be upset about their partner moving so far away. How long was it meant to be for?

shovetheholly · 30/06/2015 12:24

I have a friend who has sabotaged every single relationship she's been in. She has a constant need to test the limits of the other person's loyalty, and she eventually pushes even the most patient and loving of men beyond their limits of tolerance.

This goes back to her childhood, and especially to her mother who was not a loving person at all. She fears rejection and abandonment, but also believes that they are inevitable. Therefore (paradoxically, and to the utter detriment of her peace of mind) she courts both.

I am not saying that her pattern is true for you. Everyone is different. I'm saying that the solution may lie further back than you think, and may involve some quite deep assumptions that you have about yourself and the world.

On the other hand, I do think a move to the other end of the country that is not temporary or tied to a longer term plan is a big deal.

Lovingfreedom · 30/06/2015 12:48

He moved hundreds of miles away...not surprised it didn't work out. Must be loads of nice blokes in London...try to move on :-)

Original poster

allypally1986 · 30/06/2015 12:52

I did post yesterday, sorry. Just struggling.

OP posts:

gabyjane · 30/06/2015 21:23

You remind me of myself. I have a partner who I would like to do certain things and they don't materialise. I feel neglected at times and reading these threads it may be due to my childhood. Things aren't good at the mo and I'm on the verge of splitting us up as dont feel I can be happy either way. Hugs x

CarnivalBearSetFree · 30/06/2015 21:41

If a long distance relationship isn't something you want then unfortunately, you had to break up.

I know someone that started a new relationship then he moved to America for 3 years!! The girlfriend visited every so often and he moved back to the UK a year ago. They're still together.

With out reading your other thread I can't really say much more. Is it a temporary move or a long term one? Did he do it because it was an opportunity he couldn't pass up and after a year or two might move back down to London?

Break ups are hard but if you really don't think you could handle the distance then this was the right thing

officeworker · 30/06/2015 21:47

I have a friend who has sabotaged every single relationship she's been in. She has a constant need to test the limits of the other person's loyalty, and she eventually pushes even the most patient and loving of men beyond their limits of tolerance.

This goes back to her childhood, and especially to her mother who was not a loving person at all. She fears rejection and abandonment, but also believes that they are inevitable. Therefore (paradoxically, and to the utter detriment of her peace of mind) she courts both.

This is exactly what I do, and need to stop doing if I get into a new relationship. I did meet someone, and in the start everything was great. We were completely in love. But then I'd do things, generally making him choose between me and someone else because I wanted to feel more wanted. If he choose the other, I'd sink into depression thinking he didn't love me and preferred the other person.

I don't know why I do it, I didn't have a bad childhood. I have very loving parents and a great family. But in relationships I need constant proof that it's just me they want and nobody else, and to show loyalty. And if I don't get it I self destruct. I'm learning though, and I'm doing much much better. I definitely won't make the same mistakes next time, I lost the person I truly believed I'd spend my life with due to my own God-awful attitude to him and it's no wonder he walked away and went NC.

weedinthepool · 30/06/2015 22:56

Yep I sabotage if I feel like I'm investing more than them. It's self protective because I was royally fucked over in my childhood and marriage. I just can't play the waiting game and risk my mental health if they don't reflect immediately what I feel about them. New relationships are a nightmare because I'm constantly withdrawing.

Are you sure this is really self sabotage OP and not self protective measures? Moving that far away is s pretty big deal for a relationship.

LineRunner · 30/06/2015 23:16

Exactly. That's a big move away from you.

AlphaBravoHenryFoxtons · 30/06/2015 23:19

Did you tell him you wanted him to stay in London?

Eekaman · 01/07/2015 00:41

I sabotaged most relationships... It was my default setting, then I very nearly lost my wife and new born son through my own sabotage setting and realised I couldn't bear to be without them, I was 42 when I began to understand what was going on.

Since my mother died when I was a toddler, there was a succession of nannies, aunties (who weren't aunties, I still don't know who many of them were) housekeepers and lots of new gf's for my Dad. All of these people who came into my life were female and all left me without explanation.

So with my own gf's, I got the 'leaving without warning bit' in before they could, or I drove them away with cheating or lying. I always knew they'd leave me hurt and betrayed, so I struck first. But, very luckily for me, Mrs Eek is way tougher than I and helped kick me into shape.

Now I have guilt about some of the exes...

MrsGrahamCoxon · 01/07/2015 01:08

I don't think you've sabotaged anything any more than he has. I just joined here and I remember reading what you wrote before.

Would you have done what he did? I think the answer is no. I think you just grew apart. If by sabotage you mean not following him to the ends of the earth then, maybe. But no, he chose to move, you chose not to follow.....good for you my lovely

velouria · 01/07/2015 02:57

Yup, I left my ex of 13 years, because it was unbearably horrible at the end. I hadn't loved him for a long long time. I did sabotage at the end.

Have tried ol dating and sabotaged every single fledgling relationship there was to be, truly sabotaged. Probably though, because it just wasn't right. The tedium and shitness of the long term relationship, plus the red flags I have learned of due to the inernet, make me undateable I think.

I am and do need to be on my owm atm.

Thenapoleonofcrime · 01/07/2015 07:57

I read your other thread and you haven't sabotaged anything, you have recognised that although he's a lovely person, he and you are on different tracks and heading for different places, him literally as he got up and left you to live 100's of miles away because he wanted to get away from London and he moved in with his parents! This is not you self-sabotaging at all, it's a realistic assessment of the relationship. He may have written lots of letters but he didn't come back to London and he also sounded rather a drifter or at least not focused on the future like you are.

I'm not sure posting such a cryptic post is helping you because many people will have sabotaged their relationships, but actually that's not what you did here I don't think.

Best of luck with moving on.

Original poster

allypally1986 · 01/07/2015 09:28

Thank you, that's really helpful advice. Sorry for posting such a cryptic message and yes is was misleading, I was having an absolute wobble.

I read the words 'if this was the right decision, why is it causing me so much pain' and it made me think I'd done the wrong thing (because I am in agony!) I guess I just need a few weeks to find clarity.

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Thenapoleonofcrime · 01/07/2015 09:37

It often really really hurts to do the right thing. You may still love someone but realise that you don't have a future together and aren't on the same track. You can't switch off caring in one day. But I do think deep down you probably do know you have done the right thing, as something propelled you to do it, and all that can happen now is just for time to pass and for you to hurt a little less as that time goes on. You will pick up quite quickly I think in a few weeks, til then take good care of yourself.

Original poster

allypally1986 · 01/07/2015 10:21

Thank you, I really appreciate it. I need all the words of wisdom I can get right now!

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shovetheholly · 01/07/2015 16:46

officeworker - are you the OP, or another poster?! Sorry, I am confused!

Assuming you're another poster here... I honestly think the most important thing is to recognise it as a pattern, and seek help. At the same time, there is a definite danger in the extreme oscillation that you're having between 'I have the right to demand absolute loyalty' and deserve nothing less' and 'I'm the worst person in the world and no wonder this man doesn't want to be with me'. Neither of those things is true - there is a happy medium between.

My friend benefitted massively from counselling. She is MUCH calmer now and has actually been with a guy for a few years without going into the same pattern!! They have a relationship where there is a lot of individual time, and then some couple time, due to living arrangements and it really works.

One thing I would say (and please don't think that I'm making any judgements here or saying that this is definitely going to happen or that you're a bad person or anything that) is that, in my experience, women who tend to have this pattern have a good record for going for relationships with married men when coming out of a bad breakup. I know several who have done this! I think perhaps it's because the dynamic can be the same - it is all about the 'pick me' dance. But because you are super-sensitive to choice and rejection, such relationships can be incredibly self-destructive for women like you. Don't do it to yourself!

officeworker · 01/07/2015 19:25

shovetheholly - Nope a different poster

Although what you are saying is true, I tend to seek out 'challenges' per se. Or I used to when I was in my early 20's. I've never had any inclination to meet anyone married which is certainly a good thing! I'm 31 now, and I remember clear as day meeting someone who was completely and utterly emotionally unavailable, but I got to the point of him telling he loved me and being the centre of his universe. Gradually I could feel it slipping away and I did the pick me dance. It never worked and we broke up, but I knew as soon as I feel affection slipping I must prove to myself that they do want to be with me by wanting their constant attention.

My most recent relationship, Jesus I was heartbroken when that ended. I remember his birthday, arriving to his family party late and sitting at the back of the room because I had wanted him to spend the evening with me, not his family. Because that's what we did on my birthday! It was crazy, it was constant tests of how much he wanted to be with me. Anyway that ended of course, I've had counselling and I'm a much better person eight months on.

Now I'm venturing into online dating and meeting people crazier than me. But thank you so much for your post - it made me realise I'm not the only person to act that way.