When an abusive man flips between being ‘very nice’ and ‘very nasty’,

[ALaughAMinute]

One the one hand he brings me up a cup of tea in the morning and makes me a packed lunch to take to work and on the other hand he verbally abuses me and threatens to hit me. He's a control freak and controls everything including the finances. He undermines me on a regular basis and doesn't let me finish my sentences if we are having a discussion about something. The only reason I back down is because I don't want to cause a riot and upset the children.

When he does hit me I hit him back. When he's verbally abusive I'm abusive back. I like to think I give as good as I get!

What's going on here? Are we both as bad as each other?

I recently told him I want a divorce but he's suddenly started being nice to me. He makes me feel guilty for not wanting to be with him. I feel like a bad person.

Help! Why do I feel guilty about going to see a solicitor on Friday? What's wrong with me?

I can't believe I'm being so pathetic. Talk some sense into me please.

orrelly

oh really ?

your inanity knows no bounds

Yikes!

I'm being insulted on several levels, by a person who calls themselves "AnyFucker".

I don't think you were being insulted. I think that was genuine incredulity that you couldn't see that niceness can just be niceness or a means of messing with someone's head.
I'm glad for you if you've never experienced the latter personally.

Congratulations Orrelly you have "arrived" on Mumsnet now.
AF is royalty round here.

OP I was like you and thought I was abusive, but guess what? When I left Mr Nasty I never lost my temper at all. Only with him needling me did I lose the plot!

Hey op, sorry you are going through this. I hope you are able to leave. Can i caution you to be careful. This is one of the most dangerous times for you, violence escalates around the time of the victim trying to leave. Be safe. My DV advocate / support worker and the project that i used for a survivors course (a bit like the freedom course) advise that you DONT stand up to the abuser, for your own safety.
Im coming up to 2 years free. Its the best decision i ever made. Good luck.

I wouldn't be so sure that everyone likes him.

My exh was like this. I thought that of him but after we split up, other people said things that made me see they'd got the measure of him anyway. I was stunned because I thought he was the epitome of charm and socially adept.

I heard if one abuser who would wink at his partner. All the people that would see him would think he was being nice.

She knew it was because she was in trouble and was going to pay later.

I know men who made their partners baths, but the way they wanted them not the way their partners did. Making someone tea or their breakfast or lunch IS nice, but only if done with no agenda, and for the person. If done by someone who is abusive its infantilising the victim and potentially controlling their food.

XH used to make me a lot of tea. Sometimes that was nice. Other times he would get huffy if I hadn't drunk it and on occasion if I didn't drink it while it was still as hot as he thought it should be. After I left him I went off tea for several years, which for members of my family is a bit like going off oxygen.

He'd never hit or threaten to hit me, though.

I need to find the strength to see the solicitor on Friday. I need to know I am doing the right thing. I went to see a solicitor last Friday but I wasn't convinced that she could do the best for me as she seemed a bit weak and wishy-washy and I think she was only interested in taking my money.

So my husband is both nice and nasty. A Jekyll and Hyde character!

Not only does he make me a cup of tea in the morning and makes me a packed lunch to take to work, he also arranges for my car to go to the garage when it goes wrong and cooks the evening meal every night as he works from home and I don't get in until 6.30. He was also very supportive when my father and brother died within the space of a few months of each other in 2013. So he can be both kind and abusive. Abuses aren't nasty all the time, they can be nice as well. This is often described as 'the circle of abuse' as someone said earlier.

He probably hits me about 4 or 5 times a year. He also stands over me and raises his hand as if to hit me. He did this the other day and the only reason he didn't hit me was because my daughter was upstairs in her bedroom. He's also a control freak and 'takes care' of everything including the finances as I've already said. I need to get it into my head that just because he's 'nice' sometimes it doesn't mean I can't leave him or that I'm a bad person for wanting to leave him.

I find him sexually repulsive and haven't had sex with him for years. I want the chance of happiness but I need to find the strength to get out. If I stayed with him I would be better off financially but to what cost? My future happiness? My mental health?

He's also antisocial whereas I tend to be fairly sociable. If ever we do socialise he undermines me. For instance, if I get too animated (in his opinion) he gives me a disapproving look to let me know I'm getting out of hand or being too loud. He can also be possessive and doesn't like me talking to men. If ask him if he likes what I'm wearing he puts me down or says that what I'm wearing is not suitable. He never pays me a compliment.

I'm scared to invite any of my friends to the house as I know he doesn't want them here and I'm frightened he will show me up or say something to embarrass me. If ever I do invite anyone here, I feel on edge as I'm not sure what he will say or do so I don't invite anyone here anymore.

We sit in different rooms at night and generally avoid each other. We sit round the table for a family meal every night but he often talks over me or puts me down in front of the children. A couple of months ago we got into an argument at the table and he threw his plate (with all of his food on it) on the floor. He also smashed a couple of other plates while he was at it and swore at me as he marched out of the kitchen.

He cuddles me in the morning but he has given up trying to have sex with me because he knows I don't want it. I do want it, but not with him.

He's abusing me isn't he? I should get out. I should stop feeling guilty because of the children because they will soon have their own lives and will have moved on. I should stop feeling guilty because he's nice sometimes and remember the abuse. The trouble is that he does everything for me and I'm dependent on him. I know I can cope on my own because I had my own house before I met him so why am I scared now?

It was only very recently that I admitted to myself that he was abusive. I later admitted it to a friend and felt so much better for for finally telling someone. I'd finally given up pretending and it came as a relief. For years I pretended we were happily married because I was ashamed and felt like a failure. I'm assertive in most areas of my life so how did I ever allow myself to become a victim of abuse? God only knows why I didn't leave the bastard sooner but I think the reason I stayed with him for so long is because I wanted to keep a happy ship for the sake of the children.

My mother has dementia and is in a residential home and my father and brother are both dead. Life is too short isn't it?

I need to be strong.

Thanks again, your replies have really helped me see him for what he really is...an abuser!

Call Women's Aid and ask them for a solicitor in your area who's experience with abuse. It's very important you get a tough solicitor who's wise to all the tricks and manipulations of abusive men.

I would consider your safety very carefully given that he's actively physically abusive. Ending a relationship is a key flashpoint for escalation of abuse. It might be sensible to plan your exit, get your ducks lined up, and then leave without confronting him.

You might discuss a non-molestation order with the solicitor.

Imagine this : you fancy inviting a couple of good friends around for a glass of wine on a lovely summer's evening

You just do it

And you are completely carefree about it

This man is an abuser. You will never have that carefree feeling if you stay with him.

See the next solicitor. Keep seeing them until you feel comfortable with one. One step at a time.

Twinkle, thank you for the reply and the suggestion. I was going to see if I could get him to agree to an amicable divorce to save us both time and expense. This is probably unrealistic but I thought I would try.

I thought if I didn't mention the physical abuse he might be a bit more cooperative but I'm probably just kidding myself.

I don't know why but I don't think I would feel comfortable seeing a solicitor specifically because they have experience in abuse. What would the benefit be? He would make my life hell if I mentioned the physical abuse and I would have to move out of the house and I can't afford it.

I get butterflies in my tummy just thinking about it.

Any, thanks. You're right, I will never have that carefree feeling if I don't get rid of him. I haven't had that carefree feeling for years. I think I might have to go and rent a room somewhere even though I can't afford it. I feel sick just thinking about it.

It's totally unrealistic to think you could ever have an amicable divorce. Abusers don't do amicable divorce because you're taking away their control.

So many women make this mistake, please don't be one of them.

The benefit of a solicitor experienced in abuse would be that they know exactly how to deal with him.

I've seen women on here dealing with withy washy naive solicitors who deal with abusive men as if they would behave in the 'normal' way and are wrong-footed when they don't. Some have advised mediation, which is never recommended where there is abuse, and then are surprised when it goes really wrong.

It may be possible to get an occupation order as well as a non-mol, which would mean you could stay in the house and he leaves.

He will make your life 'hell' whatever, but I'm particularly concerned what implies with regard to disclosing physical abuse, because I think you are in physical danger.

Imagine too, sitting in any room at night you want to.

Deciding to turn in, locking the door and putting the chain on, knowing you have peace in your home and you and your dc are safe.

I STILL feel this peace 4yrs on!

the only acceptable level of abuse is zero. Him being nice on occasion will never excuse him being abusive. He hits you 4-5 times a year?? And you think that is ok because you have a cup of tea made for you.

Please contact Women's Aid, ask about the Freedom Programme and get a proper solicitor who understands abuse. I think you may qualify for legal aid too.

Do not expect your husband to agree to an amicable divorce. Why would he let go of his punchbag without a fight?

In order to qualify for legal aid you need to report the abuse. First to your GP, but don't let on you're divorcing yet, as some are wary of women who only report the abuse when they want to divorce they fear they may be saying it solely to claim legal aid.

It would ideal if you were receiving treatment from the GP as a consequence of the abuse. So personally I would tell them of the fact of the abuse and ask for CBT that you'd be entitled to on the NHS. I think therapy would be very helpful to you at this point anyway.

The other place to report it is to the police on the 101 number. Any fresh incidents of physical abuse should be reported to them straight away.

I don't think it is on to insult a poster when they ask a genuine question about something...it doesn't take rocket science to realise that not EVERY single person, man & woman, understands the dynamics of abuse. There is still a shit load of education that needs to be done, so it stands to reason that not everyone knows how abuse works.

MN should be about education, not just help & advice.

It's funny....if op complained that her dh called her names, insulted her intelligence, or questioned the validity of her questions by calling her inane, it would be one additional abusive method, yet on MN it is seen as an good thing, especially if done by "royalty" (what a stupid fucking term, not one poster is better because they are more prolific or because they have been here longer).

The mind boggles. Abuse in RL, some kind of initiation if done on MN.

Orrelly didn't deserve to be insulted when she was asking a perfectly good question.

People like the op & many many more posters like her get into abusive cycles because they do not recognise the finer dynamics of abuse.

By calling a poster inane, you have actually insulted the op, who pretty much asked the exact same question!

[eyeroll]

I didn't reply to the poster, but it goes I thought it was a stupid question.

If a poster doesn't know anything about abuse, why post on a thread by a woman in an abusive relationship asking for help?

And if you have an axe to grind about MN, why not start your own eyerolly thread?

Hi op you are me ten years ago. I didn't think I was a push over because I always faught back.

It's only after I left I seen what an utter scumbag he was. Because I was 'in it' I didn't realise how fucked up things were. And yes the poster that people will already know what a cunt he is.

A cup of tea verses a slap in the mouth? Come on op

When an abusive man flips between being ‘very nice’ and ‘very nasty’,

you should run for the hills OP.

Well said, different. I agree with you.

And if you have an axe to grind about MN, why not start your own eyerolly thread?

because we are encouraged to NOT start a thread about a thread (and they often get deleted) and to tackle things we don't like on the thread it appears on...so that is what I did.

The main reason for putting it here was to make the point that OP didn't realise it was part of the abuse & she was assured it was, and another poster was criticised for not knowing, I just thought it was a mistake to do that because in belittling that poster, it also runs the risk of belittling the op.

Thank you Iflyaway

I am not going to keep on at it, I'll leave it here now. We just need to be mindful that calling someone inane for wanting to know something, is a type of bullying.

How can we advise one poster, while bullying another?