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Original poster

Aibu about this...

61 replies

Ifyoubuildit · 29/06/2015 11:13

I have just discovered that my DH meets up with a female work colleague every other day(ish) to walk into the office together.

They don't work directly together but he claims that he needs her insight (she is more senior). This has been going on for a while and I haven't been aware of it even though we commute to the station where he meets her together every day.

He claims it's just a work thing but I think he's hidden it from me and I feel like a mug, even if it is entirely innocent.

Am I being silly?

OP posts:
SylvaniansAtEase · 29/06/2015 14:03

That's my issue, I don't mind him meeting her I just don't get why he hasn't mentioned it.

Because he doesn't want you to know.

That's the only reason, really, isn't it?

WHY he doesn't want you to know is the question.

But none of it is ok, innocent or not. It's not ok to lie by omission, it's not ok to give yourself permission to manage your partner's responses and opinions by simply lying to them.

This might have been innocent, but it isn't now, because it's not about 'meeting a woman', it's about 'deciding lies are ok'.

FieldTrip · 29/06/2015 14:18

I used to meet a male colleague, to walk the 10 mins or so from the carpark several times a week. Sometimes we'd stop for coffee on the way.

It was at a time of great uncertainty and high stress levels at work and there was a genuine benefit to both of us in chatting and getting things off our chest etc. We relied on each other pretty heavily for a time.

However, although it started out innocently, it didn't take long before it wasn't. With hindsight we were having EA and I should have been leaning on DH and he on DW. Sorry.

Secrets are never good.

Original poster
Ifyoubuildit · 29/06/2015 15:16

Really don't need to hear that Hmm

OP posts:
Fearless91 · 29/06/2015 16:30

I think it's strange he hasn't said anything up until now but I don't think you have anything to worry about OP.

I work away a lot and always try to coordinate hotels with the same make colleague who I don't fancy in the slightest but get on well with. I wouldn't tell my partner.

Really? Hmm i'd certainly wanna know if my partner was purposely booking hotels to make sure he was near another woman.

CatMilkMan · 29/06/2015 16:41

^^ I wouldn't care if DP did that, personally I make sure I'm as far away from colleagues as possible on trips.

Cabrinha · 29/06/2015 17:40

What's your "really Hmm" for, Fearless?
Do you do work travel frequently with a regular team? Know how dull it is to be on your own?
There are two women and one man that I co-ordinate plans with when I can. My husband/boyfriends (this has been 10 years) would be quite bored by me saying "and this week I'll see Andy, next week Vicky". They don't care!

Indantherene · 29/06/2015 18:19

We had a manager at work who spent an awful lot of time chatting with a female colleague. They'd go to the kitchen at the same time or to lunch. I thought I was the only one who was uncomfortable with it then I realised an awful lot of people were muttering "oh get a room" when they saw them.

Both married. (Not to each other). It really ramped up when his wife was off on Maternity Leave Hmm. Then he moved to a different section, and no sooner had we heard he was going then she was off too. To the same team.

If your spider-sense is tingling then I would ask him outright.

FunkyPeacock · 29/06/2015 18:24

Really difficult to judge if either of you IBU without knowing more info

If it's been going on for a long time and he's never mentioned it before then that is a bit odd but doesn't necessarily mean anything untoward or inappropriate about their friendship

FieldTrip · 29/06/2015 18:40

If they just happen to be on the same train, bump into each other at the station and walk to the office that wouldn't necessarily be suspicious, although, I'd expect to hear little snippets of their conversation from time to time. So you would know they were walking together, just because people do relay bits of their conversations to their partners sometimes.

However, to be texting from the train so they can arrange to snatch 20 mins together and not telling you, even though you're there while this texting is going on. That's not right.

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 29/06/2015 19:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FieldTrip · 29/06/2015 19:18

Don't you ever relay a story or an event though NeedaScarf? You know Fred's off to Rome at the weekend, sounds lovely, Fred's DC is doing really well/having a terrible time at school, I mentioned that problem we're having with the car/washing machine/neighbours and Fred suggested...

These things do just come up. Not every day, but they do come up, unless you're deliberately avoiding them.

onlyif · 29/06/2015 19:20

I would find it odd that your paths have never crossed, that would take some arranging surely? Is she loitering somewhere waiting for you to leave.

FieldTrip · 29/06/2015 19:22

Ah that's a good point onlyif. I was forgetting OP gets off at the same stop. Is that why they have to text, to make sure you don't bump into them/her?

I do have a suspicious mind because of my past, but I don't think people normally go out of their way to spend a 20 min walk together.

onlyif · 29/06/2015 19:29

I have a suspicious mind dh waited untill I had gone work to phone ow.

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 29/06/2015 19:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FieldTrip · 29/06/2015 19:32

Most of our lives are boring though NeedaScarf, but we all need to find something to say to DP in the evening, which is why we really snippets of (boring) conversation we've had with friends/colleagues/acquaintances.

You must talk to your friend about something, therefore you must occasionally have something to repeat.

Duckdeamon · 29/06/2015 19:36

As PPs have said this is deliberate lying by omission and I would be v pissed off about that, and even more annoyed and suspicious if his response to bring asked to explain the lies was defensiveness, to accuse of paranoia or denial that he deliberately didn't tell you.

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 29/06/2015 20:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Ifyoubuildit · 30/06/2015 09:00

Thanks all, I spoke to him last night and he was mortified. Made me feel much better.

Then on the train this morning the text arrived and I didn't feel so good again, he says he feels angry that I'm upset as it's entirely innocent and he immediately showed me the text. I'm angry for feeling upset too Hmm feel like a crazy paranoid wife, what's got into me?

There's nothing to suspect him although he has cheated on a girlfriend in the past (when he was quite young though).

OP posts:
MerryMarigold · 30/06/2015 09:33

What does the text say?

MerryMarigold · 30/06/2015 09:34

Also, is this 2 days running now? Seems a bit much. It's not like just happening to bump into each other, or seeing each other walking and catching up. It is making an arrangement. Maybe she is not as innocent as he is?

Original poster
Ifyoubuildit · 30/06/2015 09:55

All it says is the name of the station where they meet and a question mark. It's from her to him

OP posts:
MerryMarigold · 30/06/2015 10:24

Personally, I don't feel its appropriate when it's that often. Who knows what she is thinking? Maybe her relationship is going through a tough patch? Maybe she needs someone to talk to. Your dh shouldn't encourage it by doing it so often. I think he needs to back off a bit, even if it is totally innocent in his eyes. Let's face it, if it were a bloke, and they happened to bump into each other then they'd walk together. I just can't imagine a man texting him every day to check that they could walk together.

Every so often is fine, but friends can easily develop into more, especially if she wants it to. Who knows what she is getting out of this? She is more senior than him, so I assume she's not getting work related help from him but she's obviously quite eager for their 'walks'.

MerryMarigold · 30/06/2015 10:26

And when he says it's totally innocent, that's really not the point.

It may be innocent now, but it is about protecting yourself against what can (and often) does happen. A wise man will protect himself, his wife and his friend (by not encouraging a friendship she may become too dependent on).

Patchworkpatty · 30/06/2015 11:28

Honestly this is like paranoid central ! your dh had a colleague he likes and gets on with. He likes to walk in with her, she likes to walk in with him. They text each other to check that each other is around each morning. it's a 20 minute walk made more enjoyable by conversation. At the end of the day he may fancy the pants off her she may feel the same about him. But playing the jealous wife never 'saved' a marriage. If people want to cheat they will cheat. You cannot stop them. The only thing in your power is you ! I am very long in the tooth now but having been cheated on and the cheater my only advice is that jealousy and paranoia are deeply unattractive traits in either sex. Trust is what it's all about, if you have reason to mistrust then it's time to go.