Continuing on from his EA and how I'm 'coping'

[Lolliew]

Following on from my first post (sorry don't know how to post link).

My DH of 25yrs had an EA with a mutual friend which he told me about in Feb. he claims it wasn't sexual but I have a few doubts still, he says he loves me, wants to fix it etc.

It completely rocked my world and I have subsequently suspended my studies and had to take time out to work out what I actually want, some days I do want to stay together and others I hate him for making me feel this way. Following his revelations I had 2 close relative deaths, my eldest DS had meningitis and I've been ill myself. During one of the funerals my dad told me that he was very disappointed in me for suspending my studies and that I shouldn't have done it as everyone else carries on with life instead of wallowing in self pity (dad isn't aware of DH's EA and I haven't shared it with any friends in RL as I am ashamed of it/him). I am now on AD's which have killed my libido and I feel as if I am empty (I can't think of a better word to use). I have had some counselling at the uni to sort out my return in September and I have an appointment for CBT at my GP's this week.

I love my DH, I thought that we were in a very good place relationship wise, he was earning decent money for once (not that it was bad before but last couple of years it had been steady as self employed) I was studying to return to work, the kids were settled (long story but 2 disabled and one v.bright) and we shared mutual interests, had a great sex life - not perfect but GOOD.

He tells me that he is down and feels a bit depressed because of how he has made me feel (he has seen GP but refused AD's) and that I should try to not give in to depressive thoughts and 'get on with life' and as much as I try I have very down days where I don't even want to get dressed let alone do anything else. I seem to spend my time reading fiction and a little of pre study to return to uni but I have let my volunteering lapse, my study and self drive have gone out the window and I don't really like who I have become, this listless, uninterested person. I'm not sleeping well, either so tired I just want to sleep or total insomnia when I can't sleep or light dozing repeatedly on and off.

I have started running again as a way to get out the house, but I'm not enjoying it ( I know all runners say that at some point) but I am convinced that I will meet the OW when out on a run and I don't know how I would behave near her. apart from wipe the floor with her She has got away scot free as her DH doesn't know about it, she continues as if nothing happened and even tries to engage my DH in conversation if they are at the same event (to be fair he has conversed back as its 'rude not to').

We recently had a wedding anniversary and went out to celebrate but it seemed lame and false and to be honest I didn't enjoy it even though I had gone through the motions of hairdressers, new dress etc.

Some days it does feel as if he is trying and others as if he isn't.

I know this is long but I didn't want to drip feed.

How long will it take me to forgive?
If I ever do?
Will I ever feel 'normal' again?
Would I feel better if I thought she was suffering too?
How do I explain this to him so he understands how I feel? All the time? Not just when he is home?

Do you have any advice to help me through this very dark time ?

Thank you all for the hand holding and advice, I will be speaking to him again when he gets home tonight, I can't carry on like this

'Do I look good, dw?'

'You look like a selfish, lying cheat.'

He 100% has not bought into what he has done wrong. The desire to go to your special place to do your special race, without you? Well, wow, just wow. And he wonders why you can't get a grip and cheer up.

I know someone who's DH had a long term affair and was devastated. He failed to truly see how bad it was until they went to counselling and he got a very hard time from the counsellor. He was millimetres from losing his marriage and suddenly, yes, it became Chrystal clear. Many years on they are together and very happy. He changed, though and never once since have I seen him anything less than totally loving and supportive of his dw. This is what you should be expecting.

Never mind, 'Do I look good?'

I don't know whether it's his age or whether he was always like this, but he sounds terminally self-centred.

So I've bottled it talking to him again :/ I was just going to ask him to read this thread to show him that I wasn't being overly unreasonable with the things I have asked of him, but again we have run out of time for a discussion tonight between him working when he got home and a late dinner due to the heat and then me being unable to articulate the words needed to open up the conversation - I'm pathetic I know :(

You're not pathetic. Take as much time as you need to tackle this.

I have to say that I agree that he has not taken seriously how much he has hurt you. It really doesn't seem as though he is trying to repair the relationship, more that he just wants to carry on doing what he wants.

Reframe this Op. Due to time restrictions You realized tonight was not the right night for the discussion you want. That's not pathetic , it's very good judgment on your part.

I can see what you hope to achieve by showing him this thread . Others will disagree but I think it's a bad idea. He doesn't care what you think. What's the chances he will care what strangers think ? You don't need to prove to him that your not unreasonable. He can think what he wants. It doesn't matter. What does matter is whether he's doing enough to keep you in the marriage.

My opinion is that most cheaters BELIEVE that you won't leave. Usually there are reasons why a person won't or can't just walk away. Often the other person is financially dependant on them , or there is a deep desire to keep the family together. A cheater knows this and exploits it. While they know it , nothing will change.

Not too long ago your husband was extremely overweight . You were the one in great shape with the social group. You were also at uni aiming for a career that would give you financial independence. He joined your group , lost lots of weight and unless I'm mistaken he TOLD you that something had happened with your friend. So he WANTED you to know. You didn't react and confront your friend and I believe he further tested you for a reaction by talking to her in front of you.

So , now he's in your social group and your out of it. He's going running and your not. He's planning to do the thing that's on YOUR bucket list, alone. You've had to suspend your studies as your so traumatized. You've stopped your volunteering. Would you say this is an accurate assessment of things ?

That sounds exactly like it is, I am part of the social group but I've taken a massive step backwards and don't engage like I did, I try but it is v.difficult and way outside my comfort zone. I'm quite a reserved person and it takes me a while to build friendships, however he is more extrovert than I am.

lollie, read again what Doris says about how this man has systematically infiltrated and then destroyed the life you loved

don't talk to him, he will get further satisfaction from it

make your plans to end it, and be as implacable as he he has

you can get your old life back...the one where you felt safe, where your mental health wasn't suffering because of the actions of one man

When this happened to me I did this www.infidelityhelpgroup.com/2015/02/11/magical-reconciliation-pixie/

I scoured the internet and read everything I could to try and make sense of it. There's a lot of differing ideas about what motivates a person to be unfaithful . Some experts on infidelity believe it is driven by resentment and a subconscious desire to hurt the betrayed spouse. This is apparently the case when infidelity is confessed to or occurs with a friend. It apparently explains why many cheaters carelessly leave their phones lying around . They allegedly WANT to get caught .

When I discovered my spouses infidelity (that wasn't very well hidden ) I was furious and my first response was to state that if he thought I was going to start blaming myself , comparing , running myself down he could think again. I swear he looked disappointed. I also believe that this is where refusing to tell the truth about it comes in. I think it's a case of enjoying being one up over your spouse.

There's something really teenegerish and testing about cheating. Lots of cheaters are like rebellious teens looking to get attention and drama from their spouses. I don't see the difference between a teen flaunting their unsuitable boyfriend in front of their parents and a cheating spouse talking to their affair partner in front of their wife. Both are provocative acts .

I'm not saying this is what's happened with you , it's just an angle to consider along with everything else. His lack of concern about uni and his continued involvement in YOUR social group is very off. Was he previously supportive of your running and your return to university ? Is he very insecure ? I would hold off on any conversations for now and focus on yourself. Could you approach anybody in your group ? I bet they would be horrified if they knew you had stopped running with them because of ow. I know who I would rather run with.

Thanks for this Doris.

He is very supportive of me returning to uni and my running (generally very supportive of everything I do) (he has done some natural teasing about him being able to do distances and speed compared to my running but it's only ever been half hearted stuff).

I spoke to him last night and offered him the chance to read this thread, he declined but asked for the gist of it so I went through the points raised with him. He did have some answers and I felt as if he evaded answering some points and some he outright denied and said that the poster didn't know time scales etc. the one point that did stick with me was his denial that I wasn't part of the social group of running anymore and that I did still socialise with everyone, and whilst that is true a little I have withdrawn from the group very much and only see/speak to them occasionally and nothing more than 'hi how are you's.'

I don't see him as being insecure, I find him confident and well rounded, a likeable 'big brother' type of person. He says he lacks confidence.

I had a long walk with a friend earlier and spoke to her about it, she has been very supportive.

You might find this helpfull Op.www.affairs-help.com/self-assessment

I'm glad you've confided in someone and your getting some support.