Forgive me a thread that's sort of AAT?

[Polpo]

I was reading the 'My friend did something weird' thread on here and a lightbulb went off in my head.

Without giving too many details away, I had a very traumatic birth with my first child and I feel like my DSD (6) played an instrumental part in making the days after the birth and my recovery much more traumatic that it would/should/could have been.

It's really damaged my relationship with her - and by extension I've developed an irrational dislike of DP's ex, who was the reason DSD had to be with us at that time when normally she wouldn't have been.

Someone said on that other thread that the OP had made a certain person a vessel for the trauma and I think that's what I've done with my DSD and her mum.

So the thing is: now that I've realised this, what do I do? I can't afford private counselling. What would be the next step in moving forwards past this. Things have been really shit for about a year now because I'm still so angry about it all.

Eh, OP doesn't need to be called a twat. WTF is wrong with some of the posters here. She needs ADVICE! Not be persecuted for how she feels.

Fair play to you OP for coming here and saying how you feel, it took balls and it's good to see you want help to change how you are towards DSD.

But people calling you a twat? Remind me never to post my inner thoughts on this site or the high horse brigade will be along to lynch me!!

OP you may think that you are successfully hiding your feelings but children are incredibly perceptive. If your behavior is bad enough for your DP to notice then your DSD has certainly noticed.

She is a baby herself and its damaging beyond measure to know that she is unwanted and disliked by someone who is meant to care for her.I know you posted on here for support but honestly my greatest concern is for the poor child who is the vessel of your misplaced grief.

You need to have an honest look at your situation if you cannot behave in an appropriate way to this young child you need to remove yourself from her life.

No personal experience in step-family dynamics but just to say I had a fairly awful birth experience and eventually went to GP and was eventually diagnosed with PTSD. Took ages for counselling to come through but when it did it was extremely helpful. It's a big of a cliche but just knowing that I could talk and someone would listen (and challenge me where appropriate) was an extremely important part of healing. It's not a quick fix but well worth it. I got an indefinite number of sessions - think around 10(?) in the end - but the therapist took the view I could have as many as it took so don't be put off by talk of only 6 sessions. It varies NHS trust to trust I think. You might get lucky.

I really feel for you.

It takes a lot to confess to something like this and you have stepped up and done it - well done . Take no notice of kneejerk condemnation on here. This needs sensitive handling and this isn't the place imo. It's early days in a way - you are still traumatised from the birth imo.

Definitely get some counseling to address the horrible birth and also the crossed wires that have ensued. Btw this type of misfiring due to trauma/shock is a psychiatrist's bread and butter - much more common than you may think.

I do wish you well op.