help me to decide once and for all

[listeningtomyheartorhead]

Im coming to the end of my maternity leave. I work as a teacher (pt 3 days) and I would be going back to work in September. However my entire maternity leave I have been struggling daily with the decision whether to go back or to quit work and become a Sahm.

I posted a thread about this in relationships in the past which I will link to in this thread. The majority opinion you can guess was to go back to work. I have also received that advice from other people I know in rl. For a long time I was 70:30 decided on going back to work.

The problem is although my head fully understands and agrees with that decision I feel like Im literally cutting my heart out. In my heart I now know I desperately wish I could stay with my boys. Especially when I look at my baby I feel sick at the prospect of not being there with him. This is exasperated by the fact that my childcare arrangements are complicated. Dc1 is 3 starting nursery in Sept and dc2 will be 10 months. I can not afford wraparound care in nursery which is what would have made life easiest for me and dc2. So insted he will be with childminder one day and with dm 2 days. The problem is dm lives in another city and he will be overnight with her for 2 days. This helps me as i can concentrate on my work and the real thing i have been dreading is getting the two of them ready and out for a 8.30 start for me.

My previous thread had a bit more about my pros and cons for both decisions which I will briefly outline here.

Basically I like my workplace and colleagues. Its part time and keeps me financially independent of dh who is controlling with money. However I hate the job and feel like I wont be able to give my best to my students due to my family commitments which will mean I have less time for school work at home. The potential of this makes me feel very guilty.

Also my dh does not help at all in any substantial way with the housework or with the kids. Its all very much when it suits him rather than when I need him. We spoke about it and although he said he would help cover childcare costs he point blank refused to make any other commitment to help with drop offs, housework etc. I am a person who is easily stressed out and I am ashamed to say that I do take it out on my kids. Before my maternity leave started i was a bear with my dc1 and even now get easily rattled. As everything is left to me I dont get a break so tension builds up then explodes which I know is completely wrong. I am tentatively planning to work on that.

With regards to sahm obvious pros of being with my dcs, not having to pay someone else to do a job I actually enjoy (when Im not stressed out) ). I have saved up a substantial amount of my maternity leave, part of which I will have to pay back but what does remain I could use to train further or study further. I could also use it for counselling something I desperately need. Dh has offered to still pay for childcare if I am at home so I could put baby with childminder at least once a week and get some time for myself. My dcs are also close in age and dc1 is going to start school next year so I feel this is the last year he and I have to enjoy being at home together. Dc1 struggles with change and I know the hectic pace of getting him ready out of the house on my timescale and leaving him in nursery/childminder till 6 (which is what I will have to do to ensure I can get some of my school work done) will not suit him. I only plan to stay out of work for the year and then go back to work gradually via supply first then full time.

Basically the choice is between having a really crappy year for me and dc or having a relaxing year. Another option is to go back to work for a term so I can keep my full maternity savings and then quit but again that is not the fairest option to my colleagues and students.

Please help me decide. Im literally tormented with this decision and feel like its the hardest one I have ever had to make in my life.

I completely understand the concern for not giving up financial independence but it seems as if you don't have much independence at the moment as you have to pay for childcare totally which doesn't leave you much money.

If you were to separate from your h then the courts are likely to order him to financially support you until childcare is out of the equation as your earnings aren't sufficient.

I would go with your mother's advice, take the time to heal.It doesn't feel like you have the energy to evaluate your marriage whilst working and bringing up children.If your job energised you then I think it would be valuable but that isn't the case.I think you may just need to just weight up returning for a term with stopping straight away.Could you use some maternity money for childcare so your dc doesn't have to go overnight with your mum? Or could your mum come to you for a night for a term?

If you stop working use the time at home to plan to be in a stronger position. I don't think a year out at this stage damages your employment prospects that signifcantly however part time roles are very difficult to get so don't assume you will get a new career with part time hours.When your dcs are older consider an au pair especially if you took up something like tutoring at home as you would be in the house but they would be supervised by another adult.

I am a person who is easily stressed out and I am ashamed to say that I do take it out on my kids. Before my maternity leave started i was a bear with my dc1 and even now get easily rattled. As everything is left to me I dont get a break so tension builds up then explodes which I know is completely wrong. I am tentatively planning to work on that

This needs attention sooner rather than later. I know you are asking here about the decision SAHM vs going back to work but looking at the bigger picture (having read both your threads) what brings on this tension in your life? Or to put it another way how does your H affect you? Putting it mildly he has some unhelpful ideas about roles and finances. If you are perpetually fire-fighting you will always feel under pressure.

Finding makeshift solutions here is like rearranging deckchairs on the Titanic.

Could a 3rd option be to do supply now??

You wold still have to pay back some of your maternity pay, but you would be earning, have shorter hours with less responsibility, and the ability to decide when you are available to work. That would mean you could have the counselling you need to build up the strength to leave your husband (if that is what you want as an end goal).

Thank you for the replies. The suggestions are really helpful. Do you think it is really unfair to my work and students to go back just long enough to keep my maternity?

The tension is as a result of being overworked and having a lot of unresolved issues in my past. My family was very dysfunctional as a child to the extent that I used to think I wouldnt survive to be an adult. In one way dh is a welcome relief from that.

I dont doubt his love for me and I do love him too. My end goal is to gain the confidence to challenge him strongly on his behaviour and follow through with consequences if he doesn't change. I did once before but wasnt prepared to divorce over it so had to come grovelling back. I won't ever do that again but i need to be sure this isnt just stress caused by having young dc.

"I dont doubt his love for me and I do love him too. My end goal is to gain the confidence to challenge him strongly on his behaviour and follow through with consequences if he doesn't change".

How does this man show his love to you exactly?. He likes having you around because you do all the work associated with the house and childcare. What does he contribute to your life and family life?.

I think you are co-dependent and act as such within a relationship. His actions towards you are certainly not loving and you were never shown a good template of a relationship in any event. We learn about relationship first and foremost from our parents; look what you were taught. No-one has ever bothered to show you what a mutually loving relationship is and the one you are in now certainly is not.

You will only gain confidence I feel if you make a complete break from him; that needs to be one of your aims here. He likes keeping you on the backfoot all the time; that gives him power too.

Such men like him do not change; you cannot fix, love him better or rescue him and besides which he actively feels entitled to act as he does. He does not care about you or these children for that matter; his own self interest comes first. He would be totally transparent about the finances for a start if he really did care at all.

This is certainly not caused by you having young children around. The root cause of your unhappiness here is your abusive husband.

Working a term to get your maternity pay? Completely common place - don't feel bad about it.

However I spoke to my dm yesterday who knows me extremely well and she basically said why are you doing this to yourself.

Yeah, of course she did. She's spent a lifetime rolling over for a horrible bully who's abused and controlled you and her for decades. OF COURSE she doesn't think you should gain any independence.

When you make decisions that give you independence and strength, other people in dysfunctional relationships are forced to reassess their own decisions, and they rarely like what they see. They will try to pull you back into the comfortable dysfunctionality that's familiar to them. Google "crab bucket mentality".

As for your husband - words fail me. His attitude is absolutely fucking disgusting. It's blatantly obvious from what you've described that he doesn't love you or his children.

I'm going to go against the majority and say don't return to work. You don't sound well enough to do so, I think you'd end up really unwell and on sick leave anyway. You may well separate from your controlling H at some point but the time is not now. Stay at home with your babies, your parents and all that brings are then out of the equation, take the money your H doles out, live frugally and squirrel away what you can, then in the years to come you can build your strength and plan your escape. It took me five years to leave my physically abusive H, but I did it by biding my time, letting my children grow, training part time for a qualification, then LTB when he was least expecting it. The words of the Fleetwood Mac song, 'time makes you bolder, even children get older and I'm getting older too' still reduce me to tears because I did what I had to do to get stronger and choose my time, and didn't need my controlling parents to help. Hunker down, run the house, care for your children, and know that life is long and your time will come.

Thank you for sharing your experience helen.

im glad you managed to escape your abusive dh.

Im so confused about what I want in the long term but what I wish I could have now is more time for myself and more time to concentrate on my children. Does that even make sense. I wish my maternity was one more year.

Do you think it is really unfair to my work and students to go back just long enough to keep my maternity?

You have to forget about fairness to others when your back's against the wall. You do your best while there but start planning what you need to do.

helen glad you got away.

My feeling is that your dh might say he'll pay for childcare even if you're not working, but when it comes down to it, he will fail to. Then you will struggle to do the things you need to do to improve your chances of independence and your mental health. Look for more suitable hours/another job, sooner than giving up what independence you have.

I think you should be reassured that there is a teacher shortage so I think that you could return to work at any time if you chose to leave after one term.
When mine were young I used to get up at 6 to get them to well chosen childminders before work so it can be done. I was part time too.

You definitely need to have a joint account. Definitely then you can see whats going on.

I wish I had had the confidence to take time off. If you want to do it. But be reassured you wouldn't be out of work long if you need to return.

Thanks enough. If you dont mind me asking how did you cope with the workload when your dc were little. I guess im hoping some teachers will come on and tell me its not going to be as tough as I imagine.

I have only read a few other replies but if your husband is an arse don't give up work. Can you try a different childcare option? like a child minder who would have both children and be able to accommodate your son going to nursery. You may or may not have to pay for the holidays.

Or do the above and then look for a new job nearer your partners with a view for only you and the children to move permentaly.

Reading your post, it sounds to me like you've made the decision but you are looking for validation. Don't do what mumsnetters say, don't do what DH says - do what you think is right for you and your children. You're tag only person that can work that out and I think you absolutely can find the middle ground when you focus on the issue rather than doing what pleases everyone else! Sending love, you sound like a nice person dealing with some horrible stuff.

I honestly think that you should have a conversation with your HT as first port of call.

Also, look around for non-teaching jobs. I was a teacher (primary SLT) and now work in an office-based job - I love it and my life is infinitely easier!

Thanks green you sound like a nice person too. I have and havent made up my mind. I just feel like I have been fighting my instincts all maternity leave. Intellectually I feel like it makes sense to go back. However when I see my sons playing together or look at my baby smiling at me or something honestly I hate myself. However the few times when I have thought you know what Im not going back I start doubting myself too. I think its only part time, why are you scared of hard work etc.

I have thought of a temporary 3rd option. Delaying my return. I dont have to go back in September as my dc turns 1 after half term. I could go without pay for the final bit of my leave, get my dc1 settled in nursery and use the time he is away to plan and get ready for the school term. Then hopefully he will get used to his new routine before I go back and so mornings will be less stressful for me.

This is a difficult one.

If you were in a normal marriage I would say be a SAHM.

As you're in an abusive marriage, the obvious advice would be to continue working.

And yet - on the evidence of this thread I'm concerned about your mental and emotional health. You don't seem ready to leave your abusive husband yet. If you try and work on top of everything else I fear you may have a breakdown. If that happens your husband could exploit it to his own ends.

I would spend the year looking after you children, living in the meagre crumbs he 'allows' you, do the Freedom Programme, get therapy if you can some way afford it, if not join a free support group for women in da relactionships. Consider if you really want to spend the rest of your life with man, inflicting his dysfunction on your children.

Just a word of warning: I took a year's maternity leave then did not return to my post. After an extra year out I began looking for pt teaching posts and registering with supply agencies. However, it was far more difficult than I had anticipated. Every woman and her sister was after those pt jobs! I went for a number of interviews but got nowhere, despite my SLT experience. I also registered with a couple of supply agencies, but they found it very hard to get their head around the fact that I had had a gap in my cv - uncomplicated NQTs or OTT were preferred. They seemed very suspicious of the fact that I had not been working in that time. Also, as HT who were my referees had moved on, there was a real problem around my references. I had worked for the school, but the new HT was not prepared to vouch for me under safeguarding rules and the previous HT was no longer a head. I had other references of course, but any more than three years old were regarded as 'expired'. In the end I managed to do precisely two days of supply before getting my present job. This was all in central London, btw.

I know that other people have successfully returned to teaching after a gap but that was my experience.

Why not call a couple of local agencies and ask if they would take you on after a career break?

I dont doubt his love for me and I do love him too. My end goal is to gain the confidence to challenge him strongly on his behaviour and follow through with consequences if he doesn't change. I did once before but wasnt prepared to divorce over it so had to come grovelling back. I won't ever do that again but i need to be sure this isnt just stress caused by having young dc.

You should doubt his love for you: he does not love you. If he did he wouldn't abuse you financially and leave you to all the childcare. He doesn't love the children either. His idea of relationships is control.

You will never gain the confidence to challenge him while you're with him as he is keeping you down intentionally. Why do you think he limits your money? To keep you dependent on him.

Your idea of what will happen when you start challenging him is also false: it simply start war. He will get angry and try to exert more control. The abuse will escalate. He does not want an equal he wants a subordinate. He will not be able to cope with you standing up to him. You cannot 'fix' him.

I can assure you that the stress you live with is not caused by having young children.

Your only way out is to leave, but I can see you're not ready for that.

Hi all

Just wanted to update.

I have decided to go back in September to work. I will see how I find it and if its okay I will stay until December but if I really struggle I will stop after first half term.

I decided that I would probably regret not spending this time with my boys in the future more than I would letting go of this particular job. I want to concentrate on my little ones and know that the amount of effort it would take for me to do even a half decent job at school would mean I would need to sacrifice with my effort on them. Im a bit of a perfectionist so would rather do a good job at work or at home rather than do a bad job with both.

Dh was not particularly happy with my decision but he said he would pay half the childcare which to be honest would make more of a difference to me then him helping out and me spending almost my entire salary on childcare. Ideally he would do both I know but we are moving in the right direction one step at a time.

I have also contacted 2 counsellors about sessions for anger management. Thanks to the poster who recommended the BACP. Also outsourcing my cleaning during the week so I have more time to spend with the dc. Scrapped the idea about dropping kids with mum in another city for the time being but if I struggle with getting the two of them ready in the morning I might reconsider it again.

Thank you to all the posters who gave me advice. It really did help me to think things through again and come to peace with my decision.