is it possible to co parent with a difficult ex?

[januaryblues11]

My ex h and I split in November 2013. I had been unhappy for many years, and I met another man at work who made it clear he wanted a relationship with me. I felt the same way, and we are still together now.

Needless to say ex h did not take this well. He thought I should have stayed to work on our marriage. But we had been working on our marriage for years. The rows started in 2009 and it only got worse after ds 's birth in 2010 as ex h resented the amount of time and effort I put into ds and said it was obvious that I loved ds more than him.

Since the split, it's been a nightmare. ex h is hateful and vindictive. He filed a court application saying I wasn't mentally fit to care for ds full time. This was not true. Whilst it is true that I suffer depression and anxiety, this does not affect my care of ds as it is controlled with pills. But that claim, coupled with the fact that he refused to leave the family home. so I had to, led to him getting residency of ds and me getting access.

It's been nearly 2 years since the split now. Exh has been with a girlfriend for a year of that. And yet he is still so nasty. Keeps ds from me. Refuses to be alone around me, he insists his mother is always present at any interaction we have. He won't attend parents evenings with me. School plays. He is openly hostile to me in front of ds. Ds is having an operation on his ears in August, and ex h is driving to the hospital with his mum as he says it's more important that she is there than me.

What can I do? I appreciate I hurt ex h. But it's been almost 2 years and it seems to get worse rather than better. I'm worried ds will be messed up as he gets older when it appears to him how much exh loathes me.

bump

The more pressing problem than whether is whether he's complying with contact arrangements.

You say he keeps ds from you, insists his mother is there during interaction.

When you say he won't got to parents' and plays with you, are you allowed to attend separately?

If it were me I'd be taking him back to court.

Tbh I might try and fight for shared custody too, based on the fact that a) depression and anxiety do not affect your ability to parent your child, b) you had to leave the family home as your ex is essentially abusive, and c) he has proven himself to be a poor parent over the past couple of years.

Definitely consult a solicitor. You had every right to leave this wanker - he is demonstrating over and over again that he was a shit husband and isn';t much of a father. Don';t buy into his idea that you deserve a lifetime of punishment.

I agree - take him back to court. And get help from Women's Aid, GP, HV -anyone who can help.

My only regret is trying to co-parent for way too long with my ex. Everyone kept telling me that the best thing for my children was to make sure that I co-parented no matter what and kept him in their lives. In retrospect that was the worst advice ever. My children would have been much better off without their father in their lives many years earlier and they would have been much better off without the conflict that he created. Try googling Parallel Parenting.

I will definitely research parallel parenting. The problem seems to be with control. He took ds on holiday the other week for a week. He told me he was taking him. Didn't ask my permission. Just stated that he was taking him. I have to ask ex h permission when I want to take ds somewhere. And more often that not ex h refuses, just because he can. I didn't even see ds on mother's day because ex h was taking him to his own mothers. Can that be changed in court?

Mother's Day and Father's day are often part of a court order i.e. child spends them with father/mother

The child has a right to a relationship with each parent and contact often progresses. If you are capable and available then you should be asking to go towards 50/50 and half the holidays and how this could practically work i.e. distance from you and the ex, work patterns, housing.
Have a look at Welfare Checklist for things that courts or cafcass will look at. Also definitely talk to Women's Aid. Court will be looking at what is the best interests of the child.
As for parents evening or involvement in school, then just be there, be committed to school life and be part of your DS's social life, you should make sure you get copies of all info from school