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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I tell my friend?

29 replies

BannerQueen · 26/06/2015 10:16

For many years a friend of mine has had a very rocky relationship with her adult son (in his 30s) who lives with her. Their relationship seems to have now totally broken down and he doesn't want her at his wedding.

Said son has never liked me much. Late last night he sent me an email (the contents were not nice) which I skim read and deleted both in the inbox and the trash box so its gone and I have no intention of responding. I have also blocked him in as many places as possible.

Do I send this text to my friend? Does she really need to know? I'm not sure... I am very conflicted about this... I haven't visited her a home for a long time because there is always a risk her son could be there.... I've never told her this.

This is FYI. (sons name) sent me an email late last night which I have deleted. I will not be responding and I have blocked him in as many places as I can.

OP posts:
CharlieUniformNovemberTango · 26/06/2015 10:25

I would leave it.

He may be goading his mum via you into an argument to give him more reasons to justify banning her from the wedding etc.

He will be looking for a reaction and is clearly trying to drag others into his drama to feed his ego. Ignoring this will deny him that.

Original poster
BannerQueen · 26/06/2015 10:30

Thanks. Just spoken to a friend in RL who said more or less the same thing CharlieUniformNovemberTango.

OP posts:
MajesticWhine · 26/06/2015 10:34

Yes, that's good advice. He obviously thinks he has something to gain from getting you involved. It's a shitty thing to do, so best not to get sucked in. Your poor friend, I hope she is ok.

CharlieUniformNovemberTango · 26/06/2015 10:34

Can't be pleasant to be on the receiving end of that kind of email so you have my sympathies.

I just think their relationship is their business. The issues you have with him is yours. And you've dealt with it by ignoring/blocking him so that's that.

Sounds like a silly boy stamping his feet to be honest and they are best left ignored.

Flowers
RattusRattus · 26/06/2015 10:36

Do you know why he would send such an email?

Original poster
BannerQueen · 26/06/2015 10:45

I have no idea why he would send such a message but I do agree that he may want to ramp up the drama. Thanks for all your considered replies. They are very helpful.

OP posts:
Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 26/06/2015 10:48

He seems to have a downer on women to be honest. Hence his relationship with his own mother and with you. Most men absolutely adore their mums, they are supposed to have a unique bond. Just like fathers and daughters, and most women want a son for that reason. I feel heartily sorry for your friend and for you. It can't be nice for you either. You sound like a fantastic friend though, Good job she's got you.
If my dp treated his mother like this. I would walk away, because if he is not good to his mother. He will not be good to his wife.
All I can say is God help this poor women he is marrying.
I wouldn't tell his mother by the way.
Just keep blocking his emails.
The nasty peice of work.

Original poster
BannerQueen · 26/06/2015 11:35

Lots of thanks to you all you are Stars ... I won't be telling my friend anything.

I agree with you Ilive and his wife to be is in her 30's so should be more self aware ... she is in for a difficult marriage .. My friend has been good to me too so long may our friendship continue.

Flowers Cake Wine to you all ....

OP posts:
Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 26/06/2015 11:38

Well yes in her 30's she should be more aware. I meAn it's not like she's a little impressionable exited girl of 16. Who wants to be a princess for a day and is in love with the so called security of marriage. I could kind of understand it then.
Like I said I pity her.

Original poster
BannerQueen · 26/06/2015 11:54

And being a princess for a day makes a wedding but not a marriage.

OP posts:
Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 26/06/2015 13:09

Absolutely.

Hissy · 26/06/2015 13:57

i'd have gone to the wedding, and given said poor deluded woman marrying this prick a copy of the email in an envelope.

no I wouldn't, but thinking of doing it would have given me MUCH satisfaction alone

I agree with the others, he's just being a Drama Llama - ignore, ignore and passive aggressive head tilt ignore.

Original poster
BannerQueen · 26/06/2015 15:17

I will ignore i promise Hissy ..

OP posts:
Hissy · 26/06/2015 16:48

I have a feeling wordsworth May have sent his mum a missive too... If she mentions it, be honest and tell her. She's your friend and your loyalty and consideration are best placed with her.

Lovingfreedom · 26/06/2015 17:05

In your position I would prob mention it to her but not in a text...next time you see her if the time feels right.

brassbrass · 26/06/2015 17:09

Most men absolutely adore their mums, they are supposed to have a unique bond. Just like fathers and daughters, and most women want a son for that reason.

lol oh dear where to start

SugarOnTop · 26/06/2015 17:55

he's just trying to create an argument with his mum to try and justify the uninvite and thinking he can use you to do it. don't let him. if you want to tell her then do it AFTER the wedding.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 26/06/2015 18:01

Brass. If you have something to say instead of using the very boring over played L.O.L just say it. I'm a big girl I can take it.
I can't abide snide comments

CheersMedea · 26/06/2015 18:07

Just for the record you should never delete emails like that - because you may need them as evidence in future particularly if further problems develop.

Original poster
BannerQueen · 26/06/2015 18:39

As far as I saw he wasn't threatening but just nasty and accusatory!!! I find it amazing that anybody can send an email of that sort to somebody they don't like why bother!!

I probably will tell her in the future and incidentally I'm not going to the wedding. I decided if my friend wasn't there I didn't want to go ... I was only going for her. When she was was uninvited the reason for me going to the wedding disappeared.

OP posts:
BonnieNoClyde · 26/06/2015 18:44

brassbass i AGREE, that was an odd comment. I have one of each and in my opinion it's the order of their birth that has effected their "unique bond" with me more than their sex.

brassbrass · 29/06/2015 19:57

it is LOL sorry if you're too obtuse to undertsand

Cumbrae · 29/06/2015 20:06

He lives with her (so she's presumably supporting him to an extent?) and she's not invited to his wedding ?

Shock
Original poster
BannerQueen · 29/06/2015 23:07

Well ... yes he lives with her (whether she is supporting him I don't know) but very sadly after 30 + years of friendship I have decided I have had enough.

I have watched her son being rude to my friends in her house and she has done nothing to challenge it. I have decided that is enough. I really don't understand why she tolerates it (if any of my children had behaved like this they would have been given their marching orders) and that email was really the last straw. I will never know if she knew or knows about it. I will probably never know if she goes to the wedding if son and new daughter in law (and she is in for a rough ride) will go to live in my friends not very big house. But I have thought and thought about it and discussed it with others IRL and I can't tolerate it any more very very sadly. I feel so teary....

OP posts:
Janette123 · 30/06/2015 07:53

BQ,
This is tough for you but from what you have said you have been more than accommodating to this friend of yours.

Sometimes, sadly, we just have to let people go.
I always believe it is better to have no friends that to surround yourself with people who drag you down.

This,
"I have watched her son being rude to my friends in her house and she has done nothing to challenge it." tells me that she's made a rod for her own back. It's her problem but sadly it has impacted on others.

It's not wrong to put yourself first for once.

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