DM and Christening

[offside]

Hi Mnners

I've posted briefly about my DM before and I would like some objective opinions and/or advice.

Our DD is getting Christened in a few weeks. Myself and DP decided we didn't want a big "doo" as I have a massive extended family and as we're getting married soon we thought that we could make the Christening a more intimate affair.

Our families have never properly met so thought this would be a nice opportunity for us all to get together and have a lovely meal together at the place we are having our wedding reception.

I explained to my DM that it was only going to be immediate family and Godparents. She agreed.

A few weeks later she told me she had invited my cousin. I explained again that it was only immediate family and Godparents and that it's not fair to invite some and not everyone. She said "so do I have to uninvite them?" I said yes.

Fast forward to very recently and I mentioned that I had booked the table and was just waiting for sample menus to be sent across. She told me that 3 of my cousins were coming and she had also told three of my aunties (who have husbands and children). I told her that she knew what the deal was and we weren't inviting extended family. She said that "I haven't invited them, I told them you weren't sending official invites out but they are more than welcome to come". I told her that we had already been through this when she had invited one of my cousins and that the plan was for an intimate event. She said "we'll what do you want me to do then, uninvite them?!" I said yes, like she was supposed to have done first time round.

She told me that "you can't just pretend it isn't happening". I said I wasn't pretending anything and if anyone asked I would tell them the truth and it wasn't her place to invite people.

We left it that she was going to uninvite them. From previous experience, I guarentee this won't happen.

I'm sick and tired of her thinking she can take control of things in my life. Part of me wants to tell her the Christening is cancelled and jus have the Godparents but I know that my beautiful nieces have new outfits and are really looking forward to it.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I need to make a stand but how do you do that with someone who just doesn't listen to you and doesn't care?

Lotta no the favourite grandchild is a girl. She is the eldest and is very quiet and placid, does exactly what my DM says which is why she sees her as "adorable" and my other niece and my DD as different. I did challenge her further and said the only reason you think she is adorable and the others not is because she is quiet. She hot aggravated and said "no it's not! I just look at her and think she's adorable." I took it no further.

Attilla I have thought if I don't think my DM is a good enough mum I sure as hell don't want her influence on my DD. I've heard how she talks about my DB and SIL in front of my nieces and I will not allow that for my DD. She often says to my nieces "isn't daddy stupid, he's so stupid, we need to chuck him away". She doesn't say it in a serious tone but nevertheless it makes me shudder. At one point my niece (not the "adorable" one) did snap back "no! My daddy is not stupid! Don't you say that!" So it's obvious that my nieces don't think it's funny. Needless to say this hasn't stopped her.

They know they can attend church but I can't expect them to come to the Christening and not invite them to the meal

Your decision but I'd have no problem with calling to clarify the point that this was for device only.

I had very clear boundaries with our wedding too.

*service

I was bullied at school and a victim of another crime and swore I'd never be walked over again so and consistent but fair.

it infuriates me that they don't know the real her they probably have a goods idea but like a lot of people they choose to not challenge her for the sake of a peaceful life.

They know they can attend church but I can't expect them to come to the Christening and not invite them to the meal

i hate it when narcs play these games and push you into a corner and into a 'damned if you do and damned if you don't' situation. the way i would play it is to ring the relatives and nicely tell them it's for immediate family only and that she is deliberately inviting people despite having been told not to.

then stick to your plans. if they turn up at the christening anyway then remain polite but 'ignore' them. if they choose to turn up at the restaurant then tell them to sort themselves out - don't sit them at your booked tables or try to accomodate them. If you decide to be all nice and accomodating of her antics and them then you will never 'win' with her.