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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He just doesn't get it

16 replies

geezpeace · 25/06/2015 10:08

hoping I can get some advice here asap, as I'm due to be at mediation for the first time in a couple of hours and I'm dreading it. I'm weak from being unable to sleep properly thinkimg about it, and having to work as many 12 hr shifts as possible. my resistance is low and I don't feel able to fight for/stand up to exp

we have been to court over contact. he wanted 50% custody for all the wrong reasons, and needless to say he didn't get what he wanted. so the only way can get back at me/'regain control' is by stopping child maintenance payments

but he's clever. he own several flats which he rents out and has sold flats on aftrr renovating them and lives off that (hidden) income sobhe doesn't have to work and cms don't catch up with him. cms are no help whatsoever and my repeated calls to hmrc tax evasion and the council have so far not been any use

so here I am today, struggling to get by and pay bills for me and my 4yo DS whilst he swans around in his fancy car, not needing to work and getting away with it. I've jot received a penny from him this year. Yet I am supposed to go to mediation today and discuss holidays.

exp has stated he wants to take ds skiing, a sunny holiday and then to Disney land florida in oct whilst maintaing he can't pay cm as 'I'm not working'

how can I make him see tjisnis hurting DS? he just doesn't get it!! he wants to see a list of all my outgoings (ha!) to see for himself whether I'm actually struggling financially and seems to think that as he sees him at the weekends and pays for his food and the petrol to come see him that he shouldn't have to psy anything.

I refuse to discuss holidays until this injustice has been sorted. but don't think I habe the strength to do this either, I'm exhausted

OP posts:

QuiteLikely5 · 25/06/2015 10:13

Tell him no maintenance no holiday. If he takes you back to court to get permission for the holiday tell the judge what he has been doing.

Original poster

geezpeace · 25/06/2015 10:14

excuse the typos in op

also, exp wants a detailed list of exactly what DS costs me. he doesn't believe that my rent/heating etc should come into it, and after having dumped me at five months pregnant, had the cheek to say when ds was born..."no I wont pay cm until ds is 6 months old - you're breastfeeding, he doesn't cost you anything"

so his view is slightly skewed somewhat. I have my work cut out I shouldn't have to prove to him that he needs to pay cm!! but this is what I'm going into

OP posts:

Original poster

geezpeace · 25/06/2015 10:16

yes I thought that, he has already said thatbif I refuse to hand over the passport he will take me to court. should I be as brazen as to say ok then? I guess the court wouldn't lock me up!

OP posts:

GrumpleMe · 25/06/2015 10:17

Call his bluff.

TelephoneIgnoringMachine · 25/06/2015 10:23

I remember your previous thread (or post) about the "you're breastfeeding so he doesn't cost you anything", I thought at the time that nappies & clothes obviously grow on trees in this guy's world...

Agree with PP, call his bluff. Suggest to the judge, if it gets to court, that the money he proposes to pay for this holiday, he actually uses to pay back the child support he owes you.

scallopsrgreat · 25/06/2015 10:29

Well he doesn't get to have a detailed list of what DS costs you. He isn't entitled to that. Ignore him.

You have residency, yes? You are very very very unlikely to be forced to hand over a passport to the NRP because he says so.

Agree with the others. Call his bluff. Tell him at mediation that if he can afford to take DS on holiday he can afford to pay CM (just as you've written here). He is unlikely to want to go to court because the fact he hasn't being paying for his child will come out.

And disengage. Just keep telling him if he wants to talk reasonable CM figures then that's fine. Otherwise you don't want to hear it. Not interested.

Original poster

geezpeace · 25/06/2015 10:30

I hadn't thought of that telephone good idea

I didn't want to be so forward at mediation by saying no cm no holiday but why the hell not!! I need to stop letting him walk all over me

OP posts:

Jackw · 25/06/2015 10:33

Yes to what scallopsrgreat said. Go in with a figure in mind for maintenance and say that he needs to pay that before he pays for any holidays. The mediator will see what's going on.

Original poster

geezpeace · 25/06/2015 10:42

I have a feeling this is how it will go. I say no cm no holiday. he will then file for a court order (or whatever it's called) today. as his holiday ismt until mid july so it will most likely get to court before that.

but then....that shows he can afford court fees doesn't it? and that he'd rather take me to court than be a decent human being amd have that momey go to his son?

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/06/2015 10:49

This is all being done by him as a power and control measure; he does not give a fig for you or his son for that matter. What matters to him solely is punishing you for leaving him.

Call his bluff at mediation as has already been suggested. Unreasonable types like this character and mediation do not at all mix.

PatriciaHolm · 25/06/2015 12:01

Unfortunately, access and maintenance are not linked. If he goes to court for a specific issues order to allow him to take him on holiday, then chances are he'll get it as the issue is not linked to whether he's paying maintenance or not.

You need to get back to the CMS with as much evidence of his hiding income/assets as possible; they should be able to review contributions if its clear he's living above his declared means (which the holidays and cars are pretty good evidence of)

Original poster

geezpeace · 25/06/2015 12:06

thanks patricia. in that case, as wrong as some people may see it, I'm tempted to not actually admit that I may withold passport, just do that when the time comes.

this is too frustrating that he can even get away with it at court

OP posts:

Pinot4me · 25/06/2015 12:26

Does he actually have a relationship with your son? Regular contact I mean? Your little boy might not want to go away with him if he is a virtual stranger. How horrible for you!

mojo17 · 25/06/2015 13:13

I would also recommend being in separate rooms and the mediator going between you so that you can talk freely and without intimidation.

BitOutOfPractice · 25/06/2015 13:25

God what a vile excuse for a man he is.

Passports are easy to mislay aren't they? I ofen have a frantic hunt for mine. Even when I'm sure I've put it in a safe place. They can so easily get lost.

Just sayin'

goddessofsmallthings · 25/06/2015 14:53

he owns several flats which he rents out and has sold flats on aftrr renovating them and lives off that (hidden) income so he doesn't have to work and cms don't catch up with him

If his name is/was on the deeds/mortgages to these properties they should be easy to trace through the Land Registry but, in any event, it seems to me that you need the services of a forensic accountant - or a mumsnetter with the relevant skills/experience.

In any event, I trust you'll be making it clear in mediation that you're aware of his 'hidden' income and ask that he provides evidence of his outgoings.

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