I don't think I want another baby. But I feel so guilty about my DD

[DuchessOfWeaseltown]

There are many extremely good reasons for us not to try and have another baby.

We would struggle to afford it right now (though that might change in the future).

DH has a disability which he in particular is desperately keen to NOT pass on to a future child; our DD hasn't inherited the disability, it appears, and so there is a huge part of us that thinks we shouldn't try again in case the situation is different next time (Fwiw I have no problem at all with having a child with a disability but DH has his own issues about it and also it would be a big burden on DD if we were to have a child with this disability)

I am not in physically great shape to go through another pregnancy and, at 39, not sure I want to go through it all again at this stage.

And, even if this weren't all the case, I just don't think I want a second child. DD feels 'enough' for me, she is wonderful and I adore her. But I am not the most patient person and though I am very good at dealing with one (high-maintenance!!) child, I think I would struggle with the pressure of adding a second child, with their own demands, into the mix. I fear I would become a very different mum to the (generally) calm and patient mum I currently am to DD (2.5) and would transform into a bad-tempered harpy instead. I know my limits, is what I am really saying, and I think one child is probably that limit.

BUT... DD is just at the age where she is starting to notice other children's brothers and sisters... she has a Spot the Dog book where he has a baby sister and she wants to read it incessantly... when she plays with her dolls they are all 'sisters'... it is making my heart ache for her that I don't think a sibling is something we are going to be able to give her.

It doesn't help that my own mum always wildly idealised the sibling relationship (to the detriment of good friends, as she always thought me and my siblings being there for each other was WAY more important than having good friends; I think possibly down to her own very bad relationship with her sister, sisterhood became something she idealised) so I find it hard to ignore that little voice (my mother's voice!!!) in my head telling me that DD will be lonely, that she will never have someone who has her back at all costs, that she will miss out on the closeness of a sibling relationship.

Part of me knows I'm being silly, I know plenty of people who loathe their siblings or just don't really get on with them, but this is as adults usually. I feel awful that we are choosing not to give DD this special relationship (or at least the opportunity for it). I can't stop thinking how much she would adore a little disciple (she is a bit of a diva!) to hang on her every word and look up to her, and for her to pass on her 'wisdom' (ha!) to a little brother or sister...

I'm idealising it all again, aren't I???

I think it's just that as time ticks by I know that this is going to become a certain decision, and I hadn't anticipated DD being interested in the whole sibling thing. Obviously she hasn't asked for a 'baby sister' or anything yet, but I dread that happening, and more to the point, I dread the thought of her going through life feeling as if she has been denied something that would have enriched it.

fwiw DH and I are both quite fun-loving, messing-about parents so it's not as if she has to live in some sort of Victorian misery and loneliness... we play/interact with her constantly and she is just a total delight. We just love hanging out with her (tantrums notwithstanding!!)

I lurk on this board a lot and the advice on here is so often fantastic that it would be great to get some perspective, one way or the other!!!

Agree with positives and negatives whatever you choose. I have four, not so much by choice but happy with it now and one of my dds spent a whole year telling me I had to have 16 children!

You are the parent, it is your fertility and your responsibility and you make the decision not her. I suspect DC take the lead from their parents and the only children who are unhappy most likely came from families where more were wanted by the parents but it didn't happen. I think if you are happy, dd will be happy too.

Thankyou for this thread. I know it's a few weeks old now but I have just found it via a link recommending it in another thread (along the same lines). This has some great points that I really need to wrap my brain around .

oh Pieces, I'm really glad it's helped you!!
tbh I only came back to the thread today myself because I've been having 'wobbles' recently and wanted to re-read all these incredibly insightful and helpful opinions again!
Good luck with whatever you decide... I hvae mostly found a lot more peace with what I think is our decision (to stick with one) but still do occasionally have moments of doubt BUT I wonder if that is often the case no matter how many children you 'stop' at...? ie if you have two, maybe you still sometimes have that twinge of regret about the 'missing' third one etc?

It usually happens (this wobble!) when I have to put some of DD's outgrown clothes away and I remember how until recently I would always put them away assuming they would be used again - my mindset has now started to shift towards wondering if we should give them away instead.

As I say it makes me a bit :( but that is certainly not a good reason to have another!!

We had DD2 when DD1 was 3.5. She is now 5.5 and STILL laments the old days and wishes she had no sister.

She does love her sister, and DD2 is an absolute delight, but I know now that DD1 would genuinely have been happier without a sibling.

I had never shouted at her ever until DD2 arrived and now it's a fairly regular occurrence - she acts up and I lose patience. I was definitely a kinder mother with only one child.

I nearly died giving birth due to a severe version of pre eclampsia my son now 8 often asks about having siblings but is at an age now he understands why we have stuck with one far too Risky to try another pregnancy.

Plus having told him he would have to share toys , share mummy and daddy and have less presents at Christmas he is more than happy to stay an only child lol.

We do make sure he plays with fiends his own age and he is particularly close to his cousins also who are similar ages which I think is important .

The number of children you chose to have is up to you and only you as a family. Sadly for us the choice was decided but we are ahappy with our little family :)

Duchess, I know exactly what you mean about the clothes. We've just moved house and I'd stuffed all of DD's old baby clothes right to the very back of my old wardrobe. I did that such a long time ago, in happy spirits, thinking, "we'll need these again soon!" and now unpacking, they are here sitting in front of me. The bag is glaring at me, I haven't dared open it again yet. I know i'll need to set aside time alone with a maxi-box of tissues.

I agree, if you have two, do you then want 3. Is it just a funny sort of biological greed? Or programming....

If it's not TMI, what do you do TTC-wise. If you're effectively 'decided' do you then use contraceptives? Or hope for an accident or not hope for an accident, or ... oh dear! I'm very muddled on this.

Don't even contemplate having another baby to please your toddler. It's a child; not a flaming build-a-bear.

My sister does not have my back at all costs. My brother number two barely acknowledges me or my children, unless we go to them. My brother number one is ok at being a brother because his partner is great. Siblings are over rated.