I don't think I want another baby. But I feel so guilty about my DD

[DuchessOfWeaseltown]

There are many extremely good reasons for us not to try and have another baby.

We would struggle to afford it right now (though that might change in the future).

DH has a disability which he in particular is desperately keen to NOT pass on to a future child; our DD hasn't inherited the disability, it appears, and so there is a huge part of us that thinks we shouldn't try again in case the situation is different next time (Fwiw I have no problem at all with having a child with a disability but DH has his own issues about it and also it would be a big burden on DD if we were to have a child with this disability)

I am not in physically great shape to go through another pregnancy and, at 39, not sure I want to go through it all again at this stage.

And, even if this weren't all the case, I just don't think I want a second child. DD feels 'enough' for me, she is wonderful and I adore her. But I am not the most patient person and though I am very good at dealing with one (high-maintenance!!) child, I think I would struggle with the pressure of adding a second child, with their own demands, into the mix. I fear I would become a very different mum to the (generally) calm and patient mum I currently am to DD (2.5) and would transform into a bad-tempered harpy instead. I know my limits, is what I am really saying, and I think one child is probably that limit.

BUT... DD is just at the age where she is starting to notice other children's brothers and sisters... she has a Spot the Dog book where he has a baby sister and she wants to read it incessantly... when she plays with her dolls they are all 'sisters'... it is making my heart ache for her that I don't think a sibling is something we are going to be able to give her.

It doesn't help that my own mum always wildly idealised the sibling relationship (to the detriment of good friends, as she always thought me and my siblings being there for each other was WAY more important than having good friends; I think possibly down to her own very bad relationship with her sister, sisterhood became something she idealised) so I find it hard to ignore that little voice (my mother's voice!!!) in my head telling me that DD will be lonely, that she will never have someone who has her back at all costs, that she will miss out on the closeness of a sibling relationship.

Part of me knows I'm being silly, I know plenty of people who loathe their siblings or just don't really get on with them, but this is as adults usually. I feel awful that we are choosing not to give DD this special relationship (or at least the opportunity for it). I can't stop thinking how much she would adore a little disciple (she is a bit of a diva!) to hang on her every word and look up to her, and for her to pass on her 'wisdom' (ha!) to a little brother or sister...

I'm idealising it all again, aren't I???

I think it's just that as time ticks by I know that this is going to become a certain decision, and I hadn't anticipated DD being interested in the whole sibling thing. Obviously she hasn't asked for a 'baby sister' or anything yet, but I dread that happening, and more to the point, I dread the thought of her going through life feeling as if she has been denied something that would have enriched it.

fwiw DH and I are both quite fun-loving, messing-about parents so it's not as if she has to live in some sort of Victorian misery and loneliness... we play/interact with her constantly and she is just a total delight. We just love hanging out with her (tantrums notwithstanding!!)

I lurk on this board a lot and the advice on here is so often fantastic that it would be great to get some perspective, one way or the other!!!

We have 1 dd aged 6. I have 4 siblings. All of whom I am close to. It did not factor into our decision of having more than 1 child. We love dd, she is amazing and brings us so much joy, but tge simple fact was, we decided as she got older and we have started to claim back some independence, that we just couldn't be arsed going through it again. I don't feel guilty that dd is an only child. She will want for nothing. All opportunities available to her, we will be able to help her take and we are making provisions now for when she is older. It just wouldn't be possible for us to make that happen for 2 children.

Martin Clunes has one DD and I remember him describing his family as a 'happy gang of three' and that fits my family too. I simply do not have the head space for more than one and certainly don't see two kids as the perfect family.

I think the stereotype of the 'lonely only' comes from a different time. Nowadays children have so many more opportunities to socialise and, if stuck indoors on a rainy day, lots of things they can occupy themselves with. My DD is never lonely or bored.

I am one of four and, although three of us get along fine, I wouldn't say we have each other's backs. I would turn to a friend before any of them.

Make the decision now to be a happy gang of three; enjoy your daughter at every stage and don't let what ifs steal this precious time

My DD is 11 now and I used to think I'd feel sad after the toddler/little girl stage had ended but actually I love the relationship DH and I have with this kind, funny, curious girl.

My niece is an only child, and she is a very happy balanced little 7 year old. She went through a phase of wanting a baby in the house, but seemed happy enough with her (her aunt) having a couple instead! I have 2 dcs, and they seem happy enough too. Kids adjust to their set up, so don't over think it.

lots of v helpful replies, thank you everyone!!
Georgiana I hadn't thought of it that way but yes I do wonder if the 'lonely only' comes from a different time... before more modern styles of parenting, perhaps, and before ease of getting around... also i suppose in the past families have traditionally been much bigger so if you were an only child decades ago you would have been v much an odd one out with lots of people having 2, 3, 4,5 siblings... where I live, in fact, the majority of families are 2 kids maximum and only children are extremely common (women starting families later, cost of living etc) so it's even more silly of me to get hung up on this because I certainly don't think kDD would be the only one in her class at school etc to be an only. More likely about 30-40% of the class would be only kids.

I love that Martin Clunes description! That is the way it feels for us too.

And moly, like you, I think we would very much try to focus on all the financial positives that staying as a family of 3 would provide us, we owuld not have to move house, for one thing and all sorts of things that would be too difficult to afford with 2 kids would remain affordable. Music lessons if DD wants them etc. A holiday every summer, that kind of thing. I know these things aren't vital but we would certainly want to give DD all the advantages of not having a sibling if we could!!

And just... the luxury of time with her. My own mum (sorry again!!) never had a minute to spend with any of us individually (which was a shame as she was SO much softer with us on a one-to-one basis than when she wasn't corralling the troops and getting stressed about it) and I have always craved a close, 'proper' mother-daughter relationship with her that I could never have. I hugely admire women who can juggle their children, their work, their relationship and not end up a stress-ball, but that's certainly not me. I adore my work and it took a massive hit when DD was born and I am only just beginning to see the light at the end of that tunnel. I think it would leave me feeling a lot less of a person to do it all over again, and I don't want to deprive my DD of the fun mum that I (mostly) currently am because I am always stressed about not being able to work again...

I don't think you should have one just for your DD. I have a DS who is 9 and he is an only. I knew I only wanted one as I have a career that I love and I couldn't imagine working at it with more than one.

Although I have a brother, we hated each other as kids ( he was the golden child) and we are polite to each other but not close.

I am closer to a school friend ( a boy) who is also an only and DHs best friend that is like an older brother.

DS has mentioned siblings, but we got him 2 kittens instead and he seems satisfied with them

DH also has health problems and I've always known that he will not live to old age. Therefore at some point I'm going to have to bring DS up alone.

I wasn't sure if I wanted children but knew that if I did I would only want one. DS turns three in august and I still have no desire for another despite the comments I have about he'll be spoilt, he'll be lonely, you're being selfish etc etc.

It's nobody else's decision. I don't need to justify our decision. It is what is right for us. If we had another we wouldn't be able to do the nice things we do. DP and I work too damn hard to just 'survive' hand to mouth with two children. And even then that would be a serious stretch.

I know money isn't everything and that it's more important to build lasting memories but this is how we feel as family. We want to give DS the best of everything that we can afford. We wouldn't be able to afford bills with two.

It really is ok to only have one.

I haven't read all the replies but please do not feel guilty OP. It seems clear from your post that at the moment a new baby would probably not be a good move.

I am an only. DH is as only. We are both functioning adults with friends, a good relationship and full happy lives. We both appreciate that we have been given huge privileges that might not have been afforded to us if we'd had siblings.

Heed your own words - your mum idealised the sibling relationship and didn't allow external friendships to blossom. There's no reason why your DD can't find all the love and friendship she needs outside her immediate family.

I have two children 5 and 2 and although it nice to see them play together, I think my DD wouldn't have been lonely without her little brother as she has plenty of friends one being more like a sister to her.
It is a huge difference between one and two, and if you feel it isn't for you then stick by that decision.
My mum said to me when I was pregnant with my second, "having two, you might as well have ten by how different it is"
And she was right. I found it a lot more challenging and am not as chilled as I was when I just had DD.
It is lovely seeing them play together and she mothers her brother, and at times I could just burst with how cute they are together, but other times they drive me up the wall with their bickering.
It is definitely swings and roundabouts, but you sound like you have made up your mind and I think that is the best decision for you. just enjoy your DD. x

This is going to sound glib, but actually I am completely serious. You could get a puppy instead of a sibling. Given the facts in the OP, I would decide against another child.

Many little girls absolutely adore looking after something smaller than them. Ever since my dd could play, she's been looking after things. Eg whatever the toy is, she would make it a little bed out of anything she had handy. So she will fold a dressing up costume to make a bed for a teddy for example. My ds is older but would never have played in this way. I remember when I was little, I had younger siblings and as babies, I would dress them up as though they were dolls/teddies. My mum said I would quit playing with them if they started crying/grouching about something. So a little sibling is not the be all and end all.

If you only want one child, that's fine! :) there are lots of advantages
Your reasons are perfectly valid but you don't have to justify it to anyone

But I would add that once you make the final decision, I'd try to say (relatively directly) to dd that you aren't having any more kids. Otherwise every time a sibling turns up with one of her friends, she may hope for one of her own (this could be going on well into her teens!). So better to be upfront and tell her when she's young so that she does not have these unrealistic expectations. I'd try and give a roughly accurate, age appropriate reason.

My family is quite large and extremely dysfunctional.

DH's family is very small and very tightknit.

DH's family always feel shortchanged that they don't have a large number of relatives. There is a wistfulness in the way that they talk about big families, including mine, as if they feel they are missing out. Yet I can see that what they have is incredibly special. Sometimes I just want to say: 'Look, you're a small family, but you all love each other. Frankly that's what's important - not the size'. Sometimes it annoys me, because they just have no idea about how horrible families can be and they spend their time wishing for more relatives instead of being thankful for what they do have.

My point is that I think people have a tendency to think that the grass is greener, and it often isn't. If you are happy now, then that is great, fantastic, brilliant - don't feel like your daughter is missing out, because you are doing what is right for you. And growing up with happy rather than stressed parents is vital.

Personally, if I were able to have children (which sadly I am not), I always said I would only have one. That's because the sibling dynamics in my family are utterly vicious, and I would never want to subject children to that. Again, this is just true of my family - others will have far more positive experiences. The point is that what's true of one family isn't true of another - make your own life, by your own standards of happiness.

One argument for having another child, which we thought about a lot, was to have someone to share the burden of elderly parents with. I don't see it mentioned much, so maybe it's not as big a consideration for most people. Perhaps my own parents are particularly irritating which is why I'm thinking about it!

I think that we spend so much time thinking about how we should do things wrt having children that we lose sight of the fact that it doesn't matter what you do, someone will judge you for it. Have one child and people will comment that he/she must be lonely and have you thought of having another one yet? Have two and people will comment that the eldest probably feels put out now that sibling is here. Have three and people start suggesting that it's about time you stopped.

Ultimately it's very simple. If you don't want another baby, then don't have one. Having one because you feel you ought to is never the right reason for doing so.

My ds is an only child but initially not through choice. However, I can relate to much of what you say because my xh too has a disability which is genetic and which any children had a 50% chance of inheriting. When I was pregnant this fact didn't bother me because I have the same disability (although mine not genetic) so I knew that if ds inherited it then I was best placed to deal with it. However, after he was born my relief that he hadn't inherited this disability was immense, and i know that i would have felt guilty if he had been born with a disability which I knew was a real possibility.

We did however go on to try for another baby for six years but were unable to conceive, and although I again was prepared to take the risk, now when I look back I wonder whether we were lucky to have had a baby who didn't have xh's disability and that this was just how it was meant to be. Added to that, me and xh are no longer together and the thought of being a single parent to two rather than one would have been that much harder.

I am with someone else now, and while if I had been younger I would have wanted more children, in my view that ship has now sailed and I am content with the one I have. And my ds really doesn't want a sibling now, he is 12.5.

You have to do what is right for you now, not what might be right for your dd in the future, because the future is as yet unknown, the present is here and now.

Given that all replies so far are v v positive about the experience of being an only child, I will give a different perspective, but its just my experience and not a reason for the OP to go against their gut instinct which may well be right.

I was an only, born to parents in their late 30s, dad with some health problems. For all the reasons in the OP my parents stopped at one.

My parents were not old fashioned, they played with me a lot, they nurtured close friendships etc but the fact is that at evenings, weekends and holidays i was alone more than I liked. I idolised my friends' larger families and often felt lonely.

Then my father died when i was still v young. I became ultra aware that i had no family safety net, there was just me and mum and if I lost her I would be truly alone. I longed for a sibling to give me someone i could go through life with and someone I could remember dad with.

The up side was my mum and I were v v close: like best friends. But in a way that closeness heightened my fear of losing her. She was my whole family rolled into one.

Then mum got cancer in my teens and I nursed her, her friends and mine were great helps but ultimately I was alone and facing my hugest fear. Then she died in my early twenties and I would have given anything for a sibling to go through those last months with and a sibling to recall the happy times with. Still now I am devastated that i have nobody who remembers my family with me.

I have three kids and it was a concious choice to build them a safety net. It can be stressful, I can be a harriden, they often fight but thry also play and laugh abd most importantly they know each other is there. I watch their confidence within their family and I am so pleased I gave each of them two siblings.

Again, this is just my experience, and its an unusual set of circumstances, but I wanted to give a different perspective.

Quinoa, I'm so sorry to hear about your experience and thank you for posting.

If I'm honest this is exactly the sort of scenario that weighs on my mind. I worry about being 'everything' to my DD and dread the thought of her being alone should anything happen to both of us when she is still too young to have built her own network/family.

I know this is illogical and a bad reason to have a second child, for all the reasons mentioned already, plus of course there is that trick the mind plays of assuming that a sibling relationship would automatically be supportive and loving. Whereas there is no reason to think that would be the case.

But still, this is precisely the sort of thing I keep worrying about and feeling guilty about. My own siblings have never been any source of emotional support whatsoever BUT I suppose I know, at least, that when our parents are no longer here, I will still have them around to retain those family memories with. It's a nice feeling of security I suppose. I can't actually imagine what it would feel like not to have that, as I just take it for granted.

shovetheholly, I agree wholeheartedly that people always think the grass is greener. I think in fact that the reason my mum idealises the sibling thing is because she never got on with her sister and yet she looked around at other people's siblings and thought they must have the most wonderful relationship (the grass is always, ALWAYS greener for my mum, it informs everything she does) and that therefore having a wonderful close sibling was automatically the perfect goal to aim for.

I have a sister and brother (and 3 step sisters, so I know about massive family get togethers too!) and we are very close although not local to each other. My childless sister would look after my children if something happened to us, and my brothers children are close in age.

Sister and brother are local to each other and do practical things to help, mowing lawns, babysitting, it's great. We weren't so close to my brother growing up (nearly 4 years difference) but our parents divorced in my early twenties and our mum died a couple of years ago.

These events no doubt made us closer and were a factor in me wanting to have more than one child.

But - despite all this - I do not accept that it is a good enough reason overall to have a baby. I found ds easy and twenty months later dd was really not so bad. Yes some people have it easy but you have to want a second child for itself, not just for a sibling

quinoa - . What a thing to go through, and at such a young age.

I have 3 siblings. Haven't seen 2 of them for years, the other one I see now and then and we'll talk on the phone every couple of months. It's not that we don't get on it's just that we don't have masses in common, our lives have gone in very different directions.

Growing up I was very close to my brothers but not my sister. My younger brother and I did quite a lot together but I'm sure we'd all have been fine as only children.

My husband was an only child and missed not having a sibling but I think that was because his parents were very self-absorbed and did very little with him and didn't encourage him to meet up with friends which was impossible to do on his own because of where his parents had chosen to live.

I was talking to a friend who has just one daughter and she was saying how she has to make sure her daughter has friends round all the time because she's an only child. I think she's being a bit paranoid about it. I've got 2 children but they're not entertaining each other all the time, they spend very little time together. My daughter was desperate for a younger sibling but I'm not sure whether she'd enjoy having a younger sibling once the novelty had worn off.

Sorry, bit disjointed but just reiterating what you and others have already said: having siblings doesn't guarantee some fabulous sibling bond. Ditch the guilt and be happy with your decision.

QuinoaLenghi That sounds very tough.

I have done both (sort of!). I have one grown up child and didn't have my next two until DD 1 was 18. I found having 1 was so much easier and less stressful. If she wanted a friend or two round there was room in the car and it was so much easier to get out and about. Although the younger two play together they don't get the individual attention my first did. They also squabble incessantly. I am one of 3 and we fought tooth and nail as children too. My first born loved being an only child and said she would have hated having siblings. I think as long as an only child has plenty of opportunity to play with other children there are no disadvantages (apart from learning how to punch your brother).

One argument for having another child, which we thought about a lot, was to have someone to share the burden of elderly parents with. I don't see it mentioned much

Really? It's guaranteed to come up on any thread discussing only children! And I think it would be unwise to have a second child I didn't want just on the off-chance that DH and I might need care in our old age. Most old people don't require care but if they do, it is very often left to one of the adult children to do most if not all of the work which leads to a lot of resentment. I've seen this time and again with my friends' families

I know a lot of only children (who are now adults). They are split between absolutely loving it and absolutely hating it. Oddly enough, that split is replicated by my friends with siblings who are all besties and people with siblings they are NC with. If you don't want another child, don't have one. You can't predict how it will work out, but that's equally true if she has a sibling.

Thanks again, all!!

Re the care in old age thing - yes Georgiana I agree with you that in my experience it tends to fall to one sibling (often, unfortunately in my friends' experiences, the daughter...) and this can create terrible resentment. Or one child lives close by, the other one lives in eg Singapore... not much of an opportunity to share the burden if that's the case, really.

This worries me much less than the less tangible thing of simply having a sibling who can share childhood/familiy memories with you after parents have gone... That said, again, I don't imagine me and my siblings spending much time sitting around discussing our childhoods when our parents are gone - we're all very very busy with our own families now and tbh I think all of us dimly recognise, to one degree or another, that our childhoods were pretty dysfunctional, so we would never discuss that!!

It's been a great thread thank you all, I think it's silly really for me to even spend much time thinking about it as for the practical reasons above, alone, it probably isn't even an option. I think the important thing that is coming across from everyone, pretty much, is that it's most vital to enjoy the family you have and not worry about other peoples perceptions or worry too much about the future.

OP, I haven't had time to read the whole thread, but just wanted to say both me and DH are only children and we're just fine. Had lots of friends growing up, my parents were able to focus on me only, put me through some very very good schools etc. which would not have happened otherwise. Growing up was great, really, and I was a very happy child/teen and so was DH.

Only downside is that, well, we remained our parents' only focus once we left home. And they're driving us crazy with phone calls, visits, wanting to know everything we do etc and there are no other siblings to 'distract' them. And I worry about them being a bit lonely. That's it though.