Do you ever wonder if you could happily cope without your partner?

[harryandhisbucket]

I've been happily married for 3 yrs. Me and DH have DD1 (3.8) and DD2 (1.8). We have our own business which DH runs practically on his own and I do the admin which doesn't amount to a lot. Understandably he works a lot of hours and therefore I am left to bring up our DD's on our own. I don't particularly resent this. It annoys me he only spends 30 mins or so a day with them but other than that i'm on the whole happy. I don't have any wish to leave DH and he's blissfully happy and unaware how I feel, but i'm increasingly wondering whether I would be happy if he just disappeared and just left me to get on with it. He has used the phrase before 'i'm just here to pay for things' (in gest), but I sometimes think he's right. Am I being totally selfish/ungrateful in what I think? I don't particularly enjoy sex although he's not selfish in bed (I preferred it when we had more quickies but he seems to want longer sex these days) and we don't really argue. I'm sure that if he wasn't around I would suddenly realise that I did miss/love him. Do I have some underlying problem within this relationship? I'm not complaining, I think (as i'm typing this) that I perhaps take him for granted (and vice versa). Oh I don't know. Someone tell me what they think (however harsh). I've changed my username only for the purposes of this thread. DH would be mortified if he found out.

No, I couldn't live happily w/o my DH.

Have you told him how you feel?

Imagine if the shoe were on the other foot, and he felt exactly the same way about you that you feel about him. Wouldn't you want to know so you could do something about it?

I'm sure I could cope and live happily without my DH, but I wouldn't want to.

I think when you are left on your own with small children for most of the time, you do start thinking that you could easily manage on your own. But then, that's no bad thing really.

What you need to do is make sure you spend proper quality time together (with your husband) on your own (so get a babysitter and go out) but also (equally important in my eyes) time together as a family.

I also think it's important that you don't only see yourself as someone who's around just to bring up the children (which is what it sounds like from your post). You need to reignite your fires woman.

Whenever I think I could survive without DH I am brought down to earth with a bump....I just couldn't and wouldn't want to!

I think you need to talk to him and be honest...if you want things to change you have to let him know how you feel.

i agree with expat there is no way i could live happily without him i cant wvw imagine it, we talk constantly on the phone all day, never argue at all i love him a million %.

What about changing work, if having your own business is destroying your marriage what about him working for someone else

No. I couldn't open any jars.

my dh is away a lot, so I can manage on my own, but I am much happier when he is around.

I get resentful when dh is away for rubbish collection day

I haven't spoken to him about how I feel. He's highly sensitive and any suggestion that he was making me feel like this would spiral him into the depths of unhappiness. He tends to magnify problems by about a million and it can make it very hard to bring up any potential failings/problems with him. He knows how I feel about spending time with the girls. He tends to come in after work and then spend his family time getting up and down to go to the toilet. He now thinks he has to ask permission. He spends enough time with me as the girls go to bed at 7 and then I have the pleasure of his company after that. We go out together about once a month, occassionally more and we have time together as a family as I insist he doesn't work at weekends. If we don't go out at weekends sometimes time as a family consists of the girls watching TV or me playing with them whilst he's on the lap top. His idea of quality time (and I've told him this) is observing them doing something rather than actively getting involved. Sorry my posts are long.

I'm not sure I have the answer but just wanted to tell you I've been feeling exactly the same! My situation is similar, me and my partner have been together for 3 years and he runs his own business from home, but is always tucked away in his office so only spends a small amount of time with me and our DS, even though we're often only in the other room!

I've been thinking a lot recently about how it wouldn't make any difference if me and DS were on our own. I actually earn more from my job than DP does from his business so I could probably support me and DS financially as well.

I've been wondering whether I'm bored with my DP or just bored generally. Or whether having a child takes up so much of your time and emotions and you focus so much on them that its difficult to find space to feel anything for your partner?

And before children I suppose you maybe went out more often with your partner and could concentrate fully on each other, whereas now if you're like me you spend any free time you have sleeping! So maybe you have both started to take each other for granted a bit (probably without realising). I sometimes think I need my DP to do something shocking like threaten to leave me to make me realise how much I do love him. Or maybe we both need to make an effort to spend time with each other without DS there.

I don't know - just rambling on now! But I imagine its a more common situation than you think.

does he ever take the children out on his own?

right now I would be quite happy if my DH wasnt around. He does nothing in the house, He does very little for the kids or himself. He thinks that the world should revolve around him. He thinks nothing of going 200 miles to see a sporting event and spends £100 + doing so but doesnt think about the kids xmas pressies. (if he had always attended these matches I wouldn't object but its a new obsession) He comes home moans about work then goes on the computer and that the last he speaks to me.
He gets up in the morning and demands the bathroom refardless of anyone else, kids needs arent important!
He is supposed to have a day off in the week and I try to arrange things for us to do together but he often changes them at short notice to suit himself.
He wont get involved in school life, not even attending parents evenings at new schools. AGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I could go on but I can hear you snoring . Sorry

I'm pleased i'm not the only one petalrose. He never takes them out on his own, he likes us to spend time together as a family. You see he has all the ideas - he wants a closeknit family (which he doesn't have - dad left when he was 5 and doesn't speak to his mother) but he's not prepared to put the effort into having it. He wants it ready made for him which frustrates me. He expects the girls to come to him for cuddles in the 30 mins he spends with them but if they're not in the mood.... He criticises my parents for never having the girls (to which he has a point to some extent) but he makes no effort with them either. If they're visiting, its a quick hello and he departs even if he's just working in the room next door. Sometimes he doesn't even tear himself away to say hi.

Oh dear busybusymum. I feel similar to you but my DH is not that bad although he does think the world revolves around him, e.g. we're always in his way, never the other way around. He always wants to do things that benefit him rather that the children and then complains if they spoil things. Very frustrating.

He does sound like his is willing just perhaps he needs pointing in the right direction? Could you ask him to take them out on his own - even if it is just to the playground?

it sounds like he's become a bit disengaged from it all

It sounds like you are saying you would be happier without him. Would your children be happier?

I think you and you husband have a responsibility to your children to do the best you can to sort out your relationship. If you were to give up now could you honestly hand on heart say you had tried your best? It doesn't really sound like ti to me since your dh doesn't even know how you feel. You need to be honest with him and start from there.

In answer to the original question. I could cope without my dh but I'd be much less happy without him. I don't need him but I do want him.

No my children would not be happier without him. I don't even now if I would be. You may have misunderstood me, I have no intention of breaking up my family and perhaps your post (lazycow) has made me realise I do love him more than I think. I feel that perhaps we have become a bit complacent with our relationship and we need to 'try' more. As i've said, it is not an unhappy household, we don't argue, its just that sometimes I get so annoyed at his behaviour that I wonder if he really need be here and would I be better off if he wasn't.

On reading my post it is a bit abrupt and I didn't mean to suggest you are thinking of lreaving but I have seen a couple of my friends recently who have ended up in acrimonious divorce court and they both started about 4-5years ago saying the sort of things you are.

It sounds like your relationship is good but just needs a bit of work. If you put the effort in now, your relationship is just feeling a bit stale but if you leave it for a long time it may become irretrievable.

When true communication is missing then people do disengage from each other. It does sound as if you and your dh need to engage with each other more.

A couple of points I noticed is that

• you say you don't argue is this because you agree about most things or because you don't talk about much and try and avoid conflict?

• You prefer quickie sex yet your dh is wanting to take more time recently. Is this maybe his way of trying to connect more (men often use sex for this)? If it is perhaps he knows something isn't right too but doesn't know what to do about it.

He probably doesn't know how to interact or play with your DDs, probably because they're girls and quite young, also given that he hasn't been brought up in a loving enviroment this can be a skill that easily pass some people by. My DH is not from the most loving of families and I find I have to guide him into things - he would never say I don't know HOW but my DH and possibly yours may not realise what's missing because he doesn't know such a love/interaction needs to exist IYSWIM. My DD is six months old and I had to gently persuade/insist that he brought her out on her own - admitedly it's only to the park when he walks the dog and to the supermarket but now I think he enjoys having her along. I don't regret that bit of cajoling in the least and trust that it will stand me good stead for the future. It seems like you are doing the right things as a couple ie nights out, sex , talking, but maybe if he learnt to enjoy the your DDs more you have a more rounded family life.

I didn't think you were abrupt lazycow, however I see your point about a few years down the line. I don't know why we don't really argue, I tend to tackle things by thinking about them and then trying to talk to him in a certain way. I have to be really careful not to criticise in a mean way. Its hard to explain but he clams up and hides in a shell if i'm harsh on him in the wrong manner (probably stems from childhood), so we do have occassional cross words if its been brewing but we generally sort things out via conversation. Sounds wussy doesn't it. Sometimes i'd like a good argument. With regard to sex, i've suggested quickies and when they don't end up being quickies i've kind of had to broach the subject to which he responded that he thought it was because he was getting older (mid 30's)?

I think he could be encouraged to do things with the girls but if theres nothing in it for him you can tell he can't be arsed. If I was with him he'd be a little different but then I think its cos he relies on me.

I think I shall have to make more effort to give him loving attention and perhaps then that will have a knock on effect elsewhere within our relationship and the girls relationship with him

Harry don't make too many excuses for him - it does seem like he is not pulling his weight with the kids and the family, and he should be. It sounds a little like you're being manipulated by his actions - the feeling sorry for himself if you critise and blowing things out of proportion so in turn who don't air your grievence. This does sound familiar to me my DH can be the same but I bring matters up all the same - I hate arguments and prefer an easy life -I'm pretty laid back really but I think I've had enough relationships to know that men have many cunning ways to avoid issues and get away with not doing things, and I suspect it suits your DH that you don't bring these matters up prefering a quiet life.

"I think he could be encouraged to do things with the girls but if theres nothing in it for him you can tell he can't be arsed."

That is a pretty shitty attitude for him to have and he really needs to turn that around if he wants to have a happy family now and in the future.

I know this may sound vague or wishy washy, but it actually just sounds like you're in a bit of a "plateau" phase in your relationship.

There are no crises, no dramas, just an everyday normality - which if you start analyzing, can become questioned in good / bad or interesting / boring terms, if you know what I mean.

It already sounds like you're careful and tactful with him generally. Can you carefully and tactfully arrange for him to spend more active time with your children, on the weekends maybe?

Of course I could survive and eventually be happy. So could my DH. Whether either of us would want to is a different issue