I've read but not posted before (too scared at being recognised, feeling that my issues are just a whinge, others have it far harder. I have a man who loves me and wonderful children and family around me) and it has been such a relief to read about the various experiences other people are having as it means I don't feel quite so alone. So I am being brave and putting into words some things that I feel I have to confront, but can't see a way through for now in the hope that people may be able to help with some objective advice. This is a long term thing. I think I know what I have to do but it terrifies me.
I am sorry if it is long, it has been slowly getting worse now and there's a lot to tell.
Met young (both now in late 40s) he decided to go into further study for a career that required it, but would never be financially secure. I couldn't really decide what I wanted to do so I went into full time work. I supported him financially through study then as he started out with very low paid work. His work was rarely every day, as a student he was often at home, he would sleep in and chill out whilst I worked long hours and I would come home to piles of washing up and housework mounting up. But we didn't have children and so it didn't seem to really matter. We argued about it but eventually it would get done. Then his work built up and he would have contracts that kept him busy for periods of time but never any permanent work and it never paid very well. At this point rows escalated a bit. He said he didn't see why he should wash up or cook or clean as he was working. I worked my socks off, got promoted and workload increased for me as I moved up in the company.
4 children (aged 16-7) later and I had to work full time through all of them as his work dwindled and eventually dried up completely. I now have a job that requires me to work at home as well as be at work every day, he has found hourly (low) paid work and works 3 short days across 4 and some evenings as well.
My job isn't one of those you can just leave at the office usually 12-15 hour days. I do as much with the children as I can but any free time I have is spent on the housework which I can barely keep on top of. He does very little and what he does do is always accompanied by sighs and groans and long texts or messages to me listing all the chores he has attempted and how busy he is.
His financial contribution is tiny and I don't earn loads. If I lost my job we would be in serious financial trouble. This is quite a burden and the pressure is on to always try to over-achieve because of the fear of it all falling apart.
I leave the house at 7am and the earliest I'm home is 6pm. I then work at my desk until at least 11pm most nights. I'm knackered, run down am spaced out and dizzy with exhaustion a lot of the time. Also have to work at weekends.
But the real problem is that I have started to feel huge amounts of resentment towards him because of this and it is destroying me from the inside. It seems so unfair, I can't understand how he can be so unproductive around the house and how he has no drive to go out and find some better work, take life by the balls and make something of himself. he's intelligent, well-qualified and yet has settled for a crappy job that he just moans about all the time.
This last few weeks have been awful. I can't look at him or talk to him, I can't bear him to touch me. The sound of him eating or droning on about how hard his day has been sets my teeth on edge. Endless texts and calls about how busy he is while I'm trying to work drive me mad and if I miss something or don't reply there's always a comment or a put down. If I say anything or ask him to do more I am being horrible to him, I don't understand how there's no time, I don't appreciate how hard it is etc. He's always moaning to other people how hard his life is.
Some of the things I resent:
Why can't he get the chores done? I can't understand how he can possibly be so slow and unproductive, so bad at time management and can't organise himself better: excuse-I get done what needs to be done
He won't get a better paid job because he doesn't have time to apply for one and doesn't want to have to work outside office hours: excuse-have to look after the kids
He says he doesn't have time to do the housework, present buying, thank you cards, read letters from school, keep on top of bills etc etc: excuse- he doesn't care about these things, they don't matter
I spend all weekend tidying and catching up on washing, sorting school uniforms etc.: excuse-he hasn't had time
I pay a cleaner which I can't afford just so the toilets are cleaned and the house is hoovered or it wouldn't get done: excuse-he hasn't got time
Comments in front of the children or other people about how mum is always working or mum doesn't have time for us or mum is no fun: excuse-He never gets to do anything fun with me because I'm too tired or choose to be working.
At the moment I am biting my tongue. I pretend all the time. Pretend to be interested, pretend things are OK. Pretend I am interested in him, pretend I can live like this forever, pretend that I'm OK with doing this forever
If I try to confront this I'm either unreasonable, unsympathetic, selfish or the worst wife and mother ever because I should want to be with him and the children and instead I choose to work (so unfair).
So my options
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Go to counselling, try to explain my resentment through another person so he listens and hears it. I guess I would have to do the same with his grievances against me too
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Put up with it and hope that it passes and I can feel better about it and like him again
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Get my finances sorted and think about going. This makes me feel so sad so it is very much a last resort
I'm so sorry this is long. It all came out in a rush. But if anyone has advice or just a hug for me, I would be so grateful.