Dad wont stop drinking. In debt. Owes me money.

[Loo5125]

My dad owes me nearly 1k that I have lent him over the months to help out with bills. He works full time on NMW. There is just me and my dad at home - older brothers all moved out. My mum died when i was a teen. I am mid 20's.

He drinks beer every single night. I kick off because he doesn't seem to grasp that stopping drinking will save money. Doesn't understand that he shouldn't drink when he owes money out. He lives in his overdraft.

He says I need to stop telling him to live his life, that he is 60 years old and can do what he wants. I have told him i don't care if he drinks, he can drink every night if he wants, so long as he can afford it which he can't.

We argue all the time. He isn't like this with my brothers. I am skint now until i get paid because he owes me so much. I worry so much about money and his bills, i don't want to know he is in trouble whilst I still live under the same roof but I cannot afford to move out either.

I am so stuck as to what to do. He never listens and he is always right according to him. He isnt' the kind to sit down and listen to how I feel. He just shouts all the time and threatens me with "i will never do so and so for you ever again" or "you can have every single penny of your money back and i wont pay the bills in the meantime cos i cant afford".

I feel sick with stress. I've told my brother and he told me to leave.

I hate him right now. We used to get on well but all we do is argue.

Surely I am not in the wrong to suggest he cuts down on his alcohol. I don't buy things i cant afford, especially if i owed somebody money

Get a room in a shared house and claim tax credits.

HopeClearwater - Well there are various metrics used to define addiction. Yours is kind of part of them but not by any means all.

And I say "kind of" because "drinking yourself into debt" makes it sound more dramatic than it is, from the POV of the OP's dad. Yes, it's true that ONE of the indicators of addiction is continuing the behaviour in the face of negative consequences, but that doesn't mean "arguing a lot with your daughter". It means losing your job, your house, your daughter or whoever actually leaving and not being in your life any more. If things like that happen and he's still drinking, then OK. But they haven't happened.

If you want to define addiction as doing it despite ANY negative consequences then that applies to pretty much any consumption of any drug however small. I drink a few beers my coordination suffers and I have a hangover the next day. And of course, they cost me money that I could have spent on other things. That's not what psychologists mean when they talk about addiction.

The OP said he doesn't even get drunk (and it didn't seem like she meant he was drinking loads but was habituated to it, rather that he just doesn't drink that much). That's not the behaviour of an alcoholic.

And if that means he's drinking two or three beers a night and spending what - 20 or 30 quid a week? Then we need to get real, we're not talking about skid row here.

The OP has a right to her money back and to make sound financial decisions in the future, but that doesn't turn this into some kind of big addiction scare story.

You say you're struggling as it is and couldn't afford to move out - you're struggling because you're supporting your dad who's happy to allow you to do so. You would be able to get a room in a shared house (assuming you're not in London) - even if you have to borrow the deposit.

Have you read Marian Keyes' Lucy Sullivan is getting married - the saving yourself theme resonates with your situation.

OPs father drinking beer ever night would indicate a dependency of some sort. He likely has developed a high tolerance to alcohol over time and so needs more alcohol; what he is doing and saying her is not untypical of what alcoholics do and say. My guess as well is that he is rarely if ever completely sober.

People who are alcohol dependent are unable to reduce the amount they drink or to stop drinking, though they often try. Most telling, alcohol use takes over more and more of the person's life, and he or she may deny the complications it causes. Those who are dependent often experience physical and psychological dependence. Psychological dependence is characterized by the belief that alcohol is necessary in order to perform everyday activities. Dependence is confirmed when alcohol use is accompanied by signs of tolerance, withdrawal, abuse, and the compulsion to drink even when there are clear signs that it interferes with daily life.

His behaviour is affecting her badly; alcoholism does not just affect the alcoholic.

OP, my father was like this. I never actually saw him drunk, but in fact I probably rarely saw him sober. He used to come in from work, and go directly to pour a drink. I always remember him with a glass in his hand, from when I was very young. I never realised he was an alcoholic as it was totally normal to me. And then he had a brain haemorrhage & my mum found the bottles everywhere. He's disabled now, he still drinks though. He stole from me too.

I would bet you are underestimating how much he is drinking. He knows it's a problem - or else why hasn't he sorted it, paid you the money back, why is it always your fault. You need to get out, he'll sink or swim. You can't help him where you are right now.

Is the £1k in addition to to your share of the bills and rent or do you expect to live rent free and be subsidised by your Dad?

Until that's clear, I can't say whether or not I think you are being unreasonable.

I just told him I was going to stay at a friends for the night and he said if I leave I can't ever come back

This is called emotional blackmail.

I'm afraid that you have something of a choice: crumble and kowtow to his demands, keep funding him and shut up. Or leave.

If you leave, can you start putting all your wages into a new account? literally leave yourself JUST enough to live on. Start looking for a bedsit or a house-share. No more lending him money, ever. Right now you're enabling him (with kind and good intentions, but you are).

Living with that kind of emotional blackmail is a kind of hell.

from what you say, sadly he might start to go downhill as he's already on that path. No, he's going to carry on going downhill. But much as you love him, you can't stop him. Only he can do that.

You can go downhill with him though, and I fear that if you stay there you probably will. It does a kind of violence to you inside, emotional blackmail like that.

While you're at your friends, investigate what type of top up benefits you'd be entitled to - tax credits, housing benefit etc. And it goes without saying to take important documents and possessions with you - cards, birth certificate, passport etc, just in case he really doesn't let you back in.

Is the £1k in addition to to your share of the bills and rent or do you expect to live rent free and be subsidised by your Dad

Until that's clear, I can't say whether or not I think you are being unreasonable

It's also not clear whether your dad is drinking one beer or ten beers a night.

I contribute to bills and he drinks about 8 cans a night.

Have you considered a live-in job? That might give you some breathing space. Hotels often need live-in staff. Or, look for an au-pair job that you can do around some other work. You might need to move away to do this, but it would enable you to save and get on your feet.

8 cans makes him an alcoholic. He might not be 'drunk' in a traditional sense every night, staggering around and dancing on tables, but he is drunk every night and wallowing in it. That is his choice.

You need to stay away. Tell him straight he is drinking too much and needs help. Do not enable his lifestyle. Do not listen to the emotional blackmail to get you to stay and enable his lifestyle. It is his choice. Alcoholics can choose to get help or they can wallow in it. He is choosing the latter, but might well go for the former if you stop enabling him to wallow.

He is your parent and it is not your place to look after him in your 20s. It is your time to move out, get your own room in shared accomodation (cheaper than you might think) and then start saving for your own place.

The weight of the world is on your shoulders and he should not have put you in that position. Ask your brothers to help you, not him. They need to help you find somewhere to live - stumping up a bit of cash too if you need it.

Time to look after yourself, which is what your dad should have been doing. It's harsh, he might be depressed, but he is an adult and choosing to live that way. And by staying at home you will only be helping him do that.

?I think I'd be inclined to humour him for the sake of a quiet life whilst covertly making plans to move out and separate my life from his.
I don't think that challenging him will do anything other than make him defensive and unpleasant.

I wouldn't waste any effort telling him he drinks too much, that will just provoke him and he'll complain that you are nnagging him.
dont be his caretaker, let him do as he chooses and channel your efforts into saving yourself ?

I contribute to bills and he drinks about 8 cans a night.

he's got a serious drink problem and you can't fix it. Sadly.

It's going to hurt a lot, but you need to step back from him. If the point comes he starts to turn around then you can step up again, but until then he just wants to drink.

There's a phrase that might be helpful here. "Detach with love".

It's OK to step back when someone is on a course of self-destruct. You cannot stop him, only he can. It's ok to look after yourself too. It's not selfish, it's reasonable and sensible, a legitimate action.

So at the low end of the scale he's probably drinking 15 units a night, 105 units a week. That's if the cans are of lager. I'm guessing something considerably stronger, so it could be close to double that.

You need to get out before his health starts to fail, as I guarantee your brothers will leave you to struggle on with that alone.

OP, why can't your brothers help, and who is the nearest relative who's had enough of your crying?

I feel for you. It really is time for you to get some help. Is there a reason you're not looking to your brothers to assist you in some way?

Oh shit. 8 cans a night, every night, is a fuck of a lot of beer. That indicates both serious likelihood of addiction and a serious amount of money being spent. And if he drinks that much and doesn't get drunk, then he IS seriously habituated.

I take back my earlier comments.