What should I do?

[Amistupid]

OK so I did something really stupid for the 2nd time in 10 years and I know it was stupid but I now need advice on what this stupid event has revealed to me.
So dh and me have been together almost 10 years and married 2. We have an 18 month old daughter and have been through tough times but I still love him and we always seem to work things out.
8 years ago something happened between us. I was depressed and he was distant and overly secretive. Something wasn't right and I did the horrific thing of looking at his messages. Turned out he was on the brink of cheating on me and although I'm not proud I looked, my gut instinct told me something was up and I was right. We got through it.
I've not snooped in the years since the incident as have felt like I trusted him. Then a few weeks ago he started talking a lot about a woman at work. A bit like you do when you have a crush and every sentence seems to involve them. I didn't think too much of it, but then he suddenly started wanting to go out to work events (drinks out etc)
He is a teacher and has only been there since October and is leaving at the end of term so it seemed strange that suddenly he was wanting to spend lots of time with certain people. Then last weekend he took dd and the dog out for a walk and was gone ages. When he came back he said this girl at work had called him crying so he'd gone to hers to see her.
Then he went out on Friday for prom and they were all staying over at someone's house. He was supposed to be back by 10am sat as we had plans but then came the excuses and he arrived back at 1pm missing our planned activities for the day. Yes his reasons were plausible, but still a bit weird.
At this point rightly or wrongly my gut started to pipe up to tell me something wasn't right.
Well tonight I looked at his messages. Yes I know it's wrong but I've done it now and no going back.
So what did I find...... Well there's a lot of messages with this one female teacher (not the crying one, a different one) about hugging and she loves his hugs. Then she starts saying it's obvious how much he likes another female teacher (the crying one) "on Friday it was obvious how much you liked her. In the car you were telling her how amazing she looks" he responded saying that there isn't anything there and he'd keep his distance as it probably makes people uncomfortable.

This makes me feel uneasy but he can be a bit flirty without realising so maybe it's nothing but to others it looks like he likes this woman.

However...... They then start on the hug talk again and she asks if he wished she was "her" when they hugged. He replies saying no he was glad it was her he was hugging all night.
Him: I hope we didn't go too far for you on Friday
Her: are you kidding?
Him:I had wandering hands.
Her:I wouldn't have changed a thing
Him:ha just read your comment about your top being off. Lucky I had bottoms on
Her: I was just getting hotter and hotter but worried you'd kick me out
Him:I'd never kick you out

There's also bits about her confessing at church (religious school) , but not for Friday as that wasn't wrong.

What the hell is happening!!
It seems like they've not had sex and are just friends (but very very close, too close for me) however they slept in bed together hugging. Now for me if there is nothing wrong with it then you wouldn't hide it. You'd tell me. Also he would never want me hugging another man in bed. I feel like there is an emotional line that's been crossed and I don't know what to do.
There's also this other person who this one seems to think dh likes. The messages end with her telling him she is sure he could get hugs elsewhere (this other woman I guess) He puts "really?"

I don't know what to do.

Don't forget - you don't need him to have been unfaithful for you to end a relationship. You can end it at any time if you want to. With or without proof of anything.

My god he has some opinion of himself doesn't he. He has checked out of your marriage and is now behaving like a single guy. I met someone like this in a school recently. His wife had just had a baby but he acted like she didn't exist and flirted with every female in the staff. He didn't sleep with anyone but the intention was just the same. This is going to come up again and again if you stay. Is he very handsome? I know that's trivial but maybe he thinks he shouldn't have to restrict himself to one woman. He is a narcissist at the very least and he has cheated at points in your life where your focus hasn't been entirely on him. You say you love him. You know what he's like and this type of stuff will have been going on throughout your marriage. It's up to you if you want to stay or leave- there are no rules. I would visit a lawyer and start getting tough mentally.

Remember this bit There's also bits about her confessing at church (religious school) , but not for Friday as that wasn't wrong. That part is a clear admission that they have done SOMETHING wrong. Just not on Friday.

I'm a vindictive old cow and I can't help feeling in this situation I'd be tempted to cause as much trouble for the three of them as I possibly could - contact the school/head ask if they were aware a married man was carrying on like this with not one but TWO women while in their paid employment supposedly being the responsible adult at a prom with impressionable teens in their care. Supposed to be a religious school but actually like Sodom and Gomorrah, just imagine what the papers would make of it, etc, blah blah lay it on thick. Not that I think you should do this but the thought that you could might give you some small pleasure in your current distress.

Has he gone to his parents?

Please please do not be one of these women who forgive or some how reason with themselves that it didn't really happen and you can move on etc...

He is a cheating scumbag and even though you say he hasn't actually cheated but has come close too... On two occasions!!... Please please have more respect for yourself and get rid of him now! This will only keep happening to you!! You will always live in fear and be suspicious.. What type of a life is this for you?

You deserve better MUCH better than that SCUM and that is what he is!! He is treating you like dirt!! The sooner you get rid you can start to build a happier life and meet someone decent who wouldn't dream of behaving like him.

You deserve better...

Sadly its very obvious how this is going to pan out.

He's a lying cheating toad.

Send him back to his pond where he belongs!

I don't know if you're still reading, OP, but if you are, please bear in mind that the only way you will be able to think this through properly is if he gives you space to do so.

Telling him to leave isn't ending the relationship. It's the only way the relationship stands any chance of surviving.

Hi all,
I've nipped back on to catch up and am really grateful for everyone's thoughts and advice. He has been sleeping in the spare room since and I have found the space useful to think about the situation.
We have talked a lot about the situation and I feel like we have been able to be very open with each other about our relationship and what has happened.
I have asked a lot of questions and delved deeply into everything which has been hard for both of us. I know that most people's advice has been to get rid of him in a second, but I'm not one for giving up on something that we have both invested a lot into on a knee jerk reaction.
Yes this might be the end but I need to work through it step by step so I can live with whatever the outcome might be.
I don't think I will ever know for sure if anything happened or not, but at this stage he is doing everything possible to prove that it went no further than hugging and holding each other.
He knows that for me he has emotionally cheated at the least and we have discussed each and every word that was written and he has told me that he can't explain why he let it go that far and why they continued to flirt and mess around via messages after it.
He has deleted her from his life as much as he can and has told me he will avoid her at work and will not be speaking to her once he finishes there in 2 weeks time.
I know the response will probably be that I'm being stupid letting him stay and he's just going to do it again but I have made it clear that if I ever feel this way again, if I ever find out or suspect that anything has happened, if I find out he has told one single lie about previous events then I will be packing my bag and leaving.
I have also told him that our marriage is on the brink and I can't guarantee that we will make it through. I need to be able to trust him and at this point it is far too soon to know if I am able to do that.
I think that for me and who I am as an individual I need to give this marriage one last try. Not for him, but for me and my daughter.

He will do it again. By not kicking him out, you're okay-ing it.

I found out my h had been dating some woman last Christmas. I kicked him out for a while. I really needed that space. He needed that shock. We are still working on what to do six months on.

Your h doesn't get the enormity of it. Or he doesn't care because he has got away with it again. He's not trustworthy.

Did he explain how his hands wandered?

As in, in what way did his hands wander?

Hugs is a code word.

I've read nothing but the original post. He is cheating, and you shouldn't feel bad about reading his messages. In fact it's good you did. And since this is not the first time, please get rid of him. He can't be trusted - and I don't think you want to spend the rest of your life wondering what he is up to...or deliberately burying your head in the sand and minimising his actions.

So sorry that he has done this...but if it were me, I'd LTB.

Ok...now I have just read your most recent post. You do realize - that he will tell you everything you want to hear, and do all the right things in order to not be kicked out, right?

Also - you thought you had worked through the first incident and were ok after that. He did it again. What makes you think this time will be any different?

You wouldn't be giving up based on a knee jerk reaction. This is his second time The only one investing anything into this relationship has been you - and you'd be wasting your time to invest any more at this point. A relationship is a two way, committed street. He is not committed. It's up to you how you proceed from here, but walking away right now is the only wise thing to do in this situation. My advice may have been a litte different if this was his first offence...but it isn't. I don't know how you could ever believe him again, or why you'd even want to (although I get it because I eventually walked away from my ex after 8 years and two kids because of the same kind of crap. If they didn't learn or change the first time around, they never will. Further chances are a waste of time). There are other men out there who wouldn't do this. You deserve better.

Does him holding her not feel to you like a betrayal?

What about lying together semi-naked? What about the wandering hands?

Is that all OK? Him assuring you that they didn't go as far as PIV and you accepting that as significant: what you are both saying is that this is only a minor thing.

That's why a PP said that he doesn't get the enormity of this. Then again, I'm not sure you do, either.

He's been unfaithful and you've caught him out twice but not ended the relationship. He will do it again, indeed why wouldn't he.