going out of my mind

[Outofcontrolfreak]

I don't know what to do or if this is even normal and I must live the rest of my life feeling this way? I don't fancy my OH. Physically he does not turn me on at all, I feel we have become more like friends in the 9 years we have been together and even tho I could tell him my fantasies, I would not want him to carry them out. He is more like a brother to me. I feel so sad writing this. I love him, I don't want to break up our 'happy' family (three kids). BUT I desire other men, I fantasise about other men. Do we sacrifice our own desires when we commit to having children with one man? Any thoughts would be very gratefully received.........

Would it be totally wrong to stay in the relationship for the sake of the kids, my husband and having daddy around, but to have affairs to satisfy my own other strong needs?

I hope that's isn't a stupid question.

Don't ever beat yourself up for having an adult need in a marriage/relationship. It is a basic need to feel attractive and feel to attracted to your partner. To feel desired and sexually wanted.

There is no need to flagellate yourself for no longer feeling this for your husband, there is no "i should feel this, I don't, i must be a terrible person". Feelings can ebb and flow and change over time, and it sounds like many very valid things have contributed to you feeling the way you do. You have permission to feel like this!

I found myself after many years in a similar situation at 38, we had a sibling like relationship devoid of sexual attraction and intimacy. We had 2dc's, and i did at first do the whole "but what about the kids, what about him....I can't possibly voice this...". But things have a way of seeping out, and we seperated. We are still good friends, we will always support eachother as parents. But the marriage had no way forward.

And no, it really would NOT be okay to "stay in the marriage" for the sake of the kids and seek affairs.....it would destroy you from the inside out and the fallout immense. Better to end the marriage first - the kids WILL. Be fine, he will be fine.

OP, you sound like me. I haven't fancied my H for years. We both had affairs and now we're getting divorced.

Try counselling. I hope it works out for you.

"Would it be totally wrong to stay in the relationship for the sake of the kids, my husband and having daddy around, but to have affairs to satisfy my own other strong needs?"

Yes it would be wrong because you are teaching them a lie. You're also showing them that your loveless marriage is their "norm" for them to replicate as well. We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents, is that really what you want to teach them?.

Also you can't burden a child with a choice you've made They aren't going to thank you for resentment and bitterness or take kindly to being told, 'If only you knew what I've sacrificed for you".

Your children cannot and must not be used as glue to bind you and he together; staying for the children is rarely if ever a good idea because the children pick up on all the unspoken vibes. They won't thank you for staying together for them and could well accuse you of putting him before them. Longer term too your own relationship with them as adults may become strained; they won't want to see either of you because they know you are so unhappy together.

Affairs have a nasty habit of becoming discovered; you must never underestimate the emotional fallout from that.

Better to be apart and happier than to be in misery as you are now.

Thank you girls, for posting. It has given me a lot to think about.

I think I do a good job at pretending everything is ok within the relationship, I don't think the kids pick up on my discontentment. It seems selfish to break the family up, just because I want better sex with a more connected partner.

Writing this down has made me realise there is a lot I need to think about.

How would counselling help? My partner would die if he knew I didn't fancy him but lusted after other men

There were other reason why I left, I think there must have been reasons why I didn't find him attractive anymore and why I was looking at other men, dh was emotionally abusive at times, he had mental health issues and I think I was running out of sympathy. It took me years to end it, the past year was like we were just living together but living separate lives, we didn't spend much time together and everything he did began to annoy me.

I was scared to end it, I stayed for the kids but I really didn't have too, they have a better relationship with their dad than they did when he lived here and they now see that I am happier.

OP, I'm so sorry you are in such a sexually unsatisfying relationship. It's certainly not a loveless marriage though. Your home sounds as if it has a lot of live and is, on balance, a good place to raise children. Only you can say if you are willing to make the sacrifice of staying. I suspect that if you could look down the road you might regret leaving. I realise what I'm saying but there is so much more to life and marriage and family than sex. I'm also not at all sure that sex as a 'need' is comparable with a child's need for a secure, living home, which it sounds like you are providing. I would be more concerned if you said you didn't respect each other, didn't trust each other, didn't love each other and couldn't be friends. It's not a popular view but I think it would be selfish to cause your children (and partner) such pain in order to get an even better life than the one you have, agonising unsatisfying as it is.

atilla That is just too dogmatic. 'Misery' is a very strong word to use to describe the OP's position. The relationships board is notorious for advising women to leave relationships, prophesying dreadful outcomes if they stay, while not actually having to deal with the fall out themselves. You cannot know exactly what the OP's children will wish she had done in time. If they wished she had stayed for the same of family and friendship they wouldn't be the first by any means. And many marriages manage well in difficult circumstances without falling apart the way that you predict.

I think you make some very valid points Saturn. And I think you're probably right - on balance it is surely better as it is, than to disrupt the family for the sake of better sex with someone new. As an independent woman before I had kids, I never would have imagined myself in this dilemma.

OK, so...leave him...the father of your children, the one you love deep down

Leave him and find someone who you find extreamly attractive. However... Good luck in twenty years time when thus person has aged,probs put a bit of weight on..and ur back to square one. I understand how you feel but honestly. The other man's grass is always greener, and someone u really dance might be a shit lover. Tonight or tmoz, go to bed, cuddle, kiss. Nothing more. Appreciate him for all your memories. If u met and slept with someone else you probs woulndt be able to remember the half of it in six months

P.s. of course you bloody fancy him. When I look at my partner I see my children's Father. The man they depend on, trust, look up to. A real bloody man figure. And if u can't fancy that then maybe u shud trybthe other side

JO4040 Very good that you can't imagining your children's father but it obviously doesn't work on all women or even most women so let's leave it and move on.

can't imagine ^not fancying* your children's father

I think you should tell your husband kindly that your not attracted to him anymore. It's not a kindness to hide this from him and he obviously doesn't realize just how bad things are. Pretending everything is ok when it isn't simply guarantees that things will stay the same. Having been in a similar relationship I wish I had been much more honest about things. Being obese isn't attractive and is a health concern.

Some people think that once they are married they don't have to make the effort anymore. I would tell him clearly that this is not the case at all. It's unlikely he would die from such knowledge , but it may wake him up to the real state of your marriage. I would not continue to have sex with him if you don't want to. You will grow to resent him more if you have duty sex with him. People often only realize their marriage is going down the pan when the sex stops.

On your side of things , why are you controlling , and what about ? Has he dropped the ball previously ?

My story is similar to Nevergoingtolearn. 3 years on, I have a very friendly and easy co-parenting relationship with my ex husband, and I've been seeing a wonderful man for the past 7 months who I fancy the pants off, makes me laugh, and challenges me.

I feel like you are me 3 years ago. It was incerdibly hard to go through the process, but I am so much happier now - and I believe my ex husband is too.

i can just imagine someone posting on here that their dh didn't fancy them any more and others asking "have you let yourself go?" and the virtual lynching which would follow.......

Tbh, it sounds as if you're not attracted to your dh physically and that's ok, but in the beginning you stated that in other ways you loved him, however as the thread has progressed you have come up with more and more justifications as to why he isn't a decent dh, when actually, it sounds as if he is a decent dh but you need reasons to go off and shag someone else, even to the point you question whether it would be ok to have affairs.

You need to be honest with your dh about how you feel, and perhaps try to find a way to work through the issues together. But if your dissatisfaction is all physical then you will continually find yourself in this position every time a man doesn't live up to your physical expectations. It's a path of self destruct and no good can come of it.

If a poster came on here to say her h had left her because he craved better sex elsewhere even though they had an otherwise loving marriage the sympathy would all be with her and he would be called a shallow arse. Being a woman doesn't make that any different. Don't become a cliche. If you don't love him then leave and give him the opportunity to find someone who does. But if you just want sex go out and buy a vibrator to satisfy your physical needs.

I've name changed for this because I've found (to my cost) that attitudes to monogamy / affairs on MN can be very polarised.

You are not alone OP. I feel almost exactly the same as you. This might sound weird but I am genuinely happily married and have been for 18 years. When I turned 40 I got heavily into exercise and lost weight while DH seemed to want to enter "pipe and slippers" mode far too early for my liking. I still love him as the father of my 3 DC. Don't want to risk this. But accept we've got to a new phase

If you like the chase part of a relationship isn't that about enjoying the ego boost of someone showing you are worthy of their attention. Its so transient. Maybe its time to think about other ways of getting the ego boost. Yes you could leave and maybe have great sex with another man. But at what cost? Having to share your kids at Christmas? Dealing with the upset from your children. If you still like and love your husband I would try really hard to invest in your marriage. Talk to him properly and see if you can make changes. At least then you've given it a fair shot.

Can't believe folk are being positive about a relationship that is clearly over, he's very overweight, lazy, and drinks a lot but hey, stay with him for the kids sake - are we back in 1950 - you can quite easily share the care of your children and still go out there and have a life of your own and yes, maybe fall in love with a man that you can have a mental and physically satisfying relationship with, you do matter too OP, you only have one kick at the ball, don't waste it.

It is not a marriage if there's no intimacy, it's a friendship or even just a sharing of childcare, fine if you are happy with that, you clearly are not.

Jan45
For me, I know this is just a phase I'm going through. I know it won't last. I definitely know that I do want my marriage to last so that's why I won't risk it. I can still make the most of how I'm feeling now and enjoy life.