Fed up of husband's hobby

[recyclingbag]

My husband has a hobby he loves (classic cars). However in recent years it's turned into something of an obsession.

It's all he talks about, wants to do. Whilst he says this is not true, it feels like that to me. I feel like he is constantly trying to 'escape' me so he can spend time doing what he really loves.

On paper, he would argue that that's rubbish. We do spend a lot of time together.

He recently had a big bonus from work. Money has been tight recently and this could get us back on track. He has agreed to pay for our holiday this year as I can't afford it (I earn less than he does).

However he is immediately looking at a new car. It's not the money that bugs me, I know it's his bonus etc and the car he's looking at is far less expensive than the new cars our friends drive.

I said he needed to wait a while but it looks like he's ignored me as he's taken the number of the car for sale he fancies.

It's the fact that this is his first thought. He hasn't even been paid yet and already he's thinking purely about the car he's going to buy. Not what we could do in the garden, or the house, or what we might like to do together.

I can't get through to him that it's his priorities that upset me - the mental headspace things are ordered in, rather than how much his car costs.

Even if he turned up with a bunch of flowers it might make a bit of a difference.

YANBU. Your family and marriage comes before any fucking hobby, one would think. I know several couples who are sadly now divorced due to one party's hobby.

I don't think he ever believes it will come to that.

Sounds to me like your financial set up is unfair.

For us, income is household income and expenses come out of that, and savings, then the rest gets divided equally and goes into separate current accounts. Dh and I can do what we want with our own money without needing to justify it or discuss.

What spending power do you have? Could you put the same time and money into a hobby as he does?

No we don't have the same disposable income. It's a source of tension.

We need a new kitchen, but DH wants that to come out of my money as he's quite happy to live with the one we've got.

Hopefully in the next or two my income will rise to meet his and this problem will go away.

It's always been an issue though.

I keep saying I should get myself a horse, just to even things up a bit

Leaving out the hobby, the financial arrangements are unfair. His bonus should be family money. Having less to spend because you earn less when you're married is crappy and very selfish on his part.

Why would you have to pay for a new kitchen in the family home? 'His money', 'my money'. Do you view yourselves as a partnership/team? Why is the bonus all his? He sounds pretty selfish. I can't imagine living this way.

There is a logic which got lost in the dim and distant past. We've been together since we were students so there is a tradition of separate money which we've never really been able to break.

The kitchen thing kind of makes sense in that I pay half what he does into our joint account (because I earn less). When I earn more, instead of evening out the contributions, his will stay the same and the extra will pay for the kitchen.

I am a freelancer so sometimes I earn more than others.

My income varies (not freelance, but similar) and dp gets quarterly bonuses - the way we work it is that we each pay half the money required into the joint account. He pays a bit more than me on some budget lines as he has his ds to provide for (not loads more, it's token really).

Then we can do as we wish with the rest - so he doesn't whine when I spend £300 on clothes and I don't whine when he decides he needs a new motorbike.

Re extra earnings or bonus - the agreement is that these are split 60/40 - 60% to the JA and 40% each can keep. dp is trying to pay down the mortgage so we are looking to change it a bit for his bonus (I don't pay the mortgage, my share of the house is paid for) - so it will be 1/3 JA (JA suffers most, which sort of means I am funding the mortgage a bit but it doesn't matter, it's important to me that we pay it down), 1/3 mortgage overpayment and he can keep 1/3. On top of this he is supposed to save £2pa to make mortgage overpayments and all his share options will go to pay the mortgage.

Any odd extras I get I tend to stick in my ISA, but extra through my own company will go into the pension. If I work all year I'll put an extra few k into the JA (and as I want a new downstairs loo that seems fair enough).

So - having worked all that out he can spend as he wishes on his own hobbies which are bloody numerous

I would resent him constantly going on about anything I wasn't interested in to be honest, regardless of the money set up. But then I would feel guilty as of course I want him to talk about anything he loves with me. He likes telling me about his work day, which is incredibly dull, but I allow him to ramble on and feign an interest. But cars.....nope, couldn't cope with him talking about that all the time.

It seems possible there is more underlying the talking about the hobby than just that though?

There probably is.

I'm just not sure it's how I want to spend the rest of my life.

I feel like he has everything he wants and I don't. And I know that this doesn't bother him.

Maybe this is how couples just grow apart. I'm sick of us having to take it in turns to do the things we want.

We used to both want the same things and I don't think we do anymore.

This is about more than the cars, it's about him seeing himself as a separate entity apart from you. I went through the same with my DH, who is also into classic cars. We went through a period where cars took over his life. He spent what he wanted without my agreement, went to car shows without asking whether I was ok with it, and pretty much behaved like he wasn't married. He'd checked out, there was a lot more going on than cars.

I could be massively projecting, but I think you need to have a proper talk about life as a couple, where you are going, where you want to be, and what your objectives are.

You also need to sort out the money side of your relationship so it is more equitable. He may not use a kitchen but he benefits from you using it, and he will benefit from appreciation of your house value as a result of an upgrade. A new car however is just for him, and unless he is a canny investor won't be of any benefit to you.

Worse that's exactly how it feels. What makes it more acute is that he does a lot of the car stuff with his family.

It feels like he stills views them as more of his family than me.

I've tried to talk to him but he dismisses it as me being over sensitive.

Hmm doesn't sound like things are that tight if you've got a holiday planned this year. It's hardly hand to mouth.

And if he's paid for that out of his bonus for the pair of you, why couldn't he treat himself as well?

Dividing up incomes is fine, but if he's busted his balls (in what sounds like a better job than yours) to earn a bonus, then let him enjoy it IMO.

Onereminder I do agree. But it's the priority that upsets me.

I said to him last night that there was a scenario in my head where he got paid (yesterday) came home with a big bunch of flowers and said 'I've booked a babysitter and we're going out for dinner'. Not come home, got straight on eBay and then complained that I wouldn't let him buy it.

Honestly ... He could have spent the rest how he liked. I just want him to want to share something with me.

Fair enough, I understand that. Perhaps he could have handled it a bit better.

Just wanted to say that I understand him wanted to spend a chunk of his bonus on a luxury rather than house or garden stuff.

I couldn't disagree more onereminder.

A holiday is a treat to him and her.

As a couple we value each other's contributions as as equal, the fact that an employer doesn't should not matter.

My DH is worth no more to me now than he was when I was supporting him through his apprenticeship, even though his current employer does.

Likewise, my DH values me no less because he's now the main earner. Marriage to us is an equal partnership and neither of us would accept anything less!

Seeing DH working from home, his job involves less ball busting than mine did when I was earning less. Renumeration is no reflection on effort and if effort is the issue that's a separate issue to money.

joysmum

I do think it's a different scenario when a couple have been in your position where you've supported him and now he's supporting you. Like yours.

But for me it's the relationships where a woman has had SAHM ambitions since teens, fluffed exams, then drifted into one of those jobs that those types of women do to fill the next five years (usually HR or admin) that annoy.

They're quick to say "this money is 50/50" while complaining that she has to do housework while he works.

Not saying recyclingbag is that at all. But I don't swallow the "it's both ours" line that easily.

But for me it's the relationships where a woman has had SAHM ambitions since teens, fluffed exams, then drifted into one of those jobs that those types of women do to fill the next five years (usually HR or admin) that annoy

They're quick to say "this money is 50/50" while complaining that she has to do housework while he works.

I don't know any women who are like that or have done that.

Who are you basing these wild generalisations on?

"But for me it's the relationships where a woman has had SAHM ambitions since teens, fluffed exams, then drifted into one of those jobs that those types of women do to fill the next five years (usually HR or admin) that annoy."

Wow!

So, you must be suggesting this is what the OP has done or you wouldn't have mentioned it.

As a self-employed HR Consultant with a first class honours law degree and my CIPD who has never relied upon anyone financially I find that pretty offensive. And I've obviously worked with a lot of HR people, and have no idea it was something 'that type of woman' did.

Actually you couldn't be further from the truth.

I used to earn much more, and then left career for children when we relocated. Now I run my own business and more or less work full time.

When I earned more, my money was my money (to a certain extent) although I did pay for holidays, furniture etc.

If I was a SAHM I would be more insistent on 50/50 but I've never been comfortable depending on someone else.

The issue is not that I want him to spend the money on me, but that I worry we no longer want the same things.

Some men would be happy to spend money on house/garden as its THEIR house.

More to the point, if it were me, I would want to celebrate with my husband, rather than immediately prioritise something else.

YANBU at all - and it sounds like the whole financial situation which is out of balance, not just the bonus.

DH earns twice what I do (he's older, but my industry will never pay what his does. I'm a director.) We both pay into the same account and then we each have an equal amount put back into our separate bank accounts (which pays for mobile phones, contact lenses, clothes etc - hardly thrilling stuff). I just had an unexpectedly generous bonus and it's going on new doors in the house, a new downstairs toilet (the existing one is 35 years old), etc.

Not what either of us would choose but it's what's needed. We have a long list of things we'd spend on (car savings, saving so we could actually have a holiday etc) before either of us would dream on spending purely on our own hobbies.

I think you have every right to be upset. But I'm not sure how you can make him listen

It is difficult when you have different priorities - and no one is 'right or wrong' (assuming essential bills/food are paid for).

I recently spent over £1k on a lovely new cooker, I am sure my DH isn't interested in it at all and would happily have lived with the old one - but I love it, we can afford it and I am happy.

My DH prefers to spend money on holidays - I don't, even though a holiday is meant to be a 'treat' I would rather have my 'share' of the money for savings or to do up the house. But perhaps my DH thinks I am being mean by not wanting to go on holiday with him.

Fortunately we agree to discuss so that both of us are happy with our choices (and I absolutely know that we are lucky to have spare money to spend on non-essentials). Having a hobby is not a crime, and people's interests do change over time ..........we've been married for nearly 30 years and spend our money completely differently now than when we first got together.