Does anyone else feel they weren't cut out to be in a relationship?

[VandaLonely]

I don't know how to articulate how I feel without sounding nasty/selfish/strange - and any number of other not-so-nice things.

Been married for over 20 years and have 4 dc. I love dh and the dc very much. But I also love my own company and can't seem to get enough of it. Dh is very tactile and loving, and wants to spend all his free time with me. I just want to be left alone :( Yet I love him and couldn't imagine life without him. I don't want him to know how I feel because I couldn't bare (bear?) to hurt him but I have long elaborate fantasies of how I will one day live in a cottage on the cliffs somewhere on my own. But inevitably I end up feeling horrible because being on my own means something will have happened to him - and so it goes on.

The dc are well on their way to being grown up. One is at uni but the other 3 are at home - 1 working, the other 2 at school. I miss the one who is at uni but dread him coming home because of the extra effort on my part to be sociable. I told you I sounded horrid :( But I promise I'm not and I love all my dc dreadfully - I just don't have the emotional energy to expend it seems.

Ironically, I have quite a lot of friends but, barring say two, I would happily never see them again. Not because they aren't nice but because I just want to be on my own. If I never had to go anywhere or see anyone other than family again I think I would be fine with that.

Does anyone else feel this way? I feel I maybe should never have married or had dc, even though I love them all and seem, so far, to be loved back.

I completely identify with what you say and have similar thoughts. You don't sound horrible at all - any more than your dp does for his affection, you have different needs for space. When I felt like this most strongly I used to dream of having a room of my own (away). It was pre-dc so I made it happen. I wrote a book and painted and realised that what had been driving me was the wish to do something creative that I couldn't do around other people. Even a lovely caring partner can stand in the way of certain things. Listen to how you feel, acknowledge it and don't feel bad about it. Make it happen in a small way - say a couple of hours a week (if you can) and that might even be enough.

Ps for what it's worth I would class myself as an extrovert and am not asexual... Your need for personal space seems immensely normal to me

Me and DH sound very similar to MrsDeVere and her lovely Mr Dr Vere. He sounds my kind of guy... and yours, OP, it seems.

We are very content barely speaking most of the time. Idle chat. The odd sharing of some joke. Lots and lots of time taken up with our own stuff, happily in other rooms. I work a lot in the evenings. We get on fine.

I'd go NUTS if I was with a clingy needy person who needed to BE with me all the time. It wouldn't suit at all. I am sure I'd feel just like you.

Sounds like your life has actually worked out to be one which doesn't suit you too well. I'm sure you'd not want to change any one of the cast, it's not that! Maybe just recognising that would help?? - and that it will improve as the other kids fly the nest and you have more peace in the home? Maybe prise your DH off your leg and into an evening class/pub quiz team? Can you talk to him about this and start saying that if you had some time to yourself, you'd be happier?

Ah thank you all for your understanding and suggestions. I feel a bit better about myself. I like the idea of going away on my own for a week but don't think I can make that happen just now. I can, and will, make the couple of hours to myself happen though, hopefully at least once a week.

I too would love to have the house to myself but it hardly ever happens. I remember the last time it did, I shut the front door behind departing dc and actually got goose bumps from the sheer pleasure of having nobody else here .

karbon, I've wondered that before now. I certainly didn't use to be but I would quite happily never have sex again.

Have you considered an aspergers diagnosis?

Hi OP- it may also be worth having your FSH levels checked when you visit the doctor- this is a simple blood test that flags up pre menopause or the actual menopause which causes all sorts of anxiety and fatigue related symptoms. I was stunned to find this is what was wrong with me when I was struck with uncharacteristic anxiety, depression and fatigue when I hit forty.

You do sound very much like an introvert to me OP. I am too and I relate to a lot of this. I also fantasise about a future where I just potter around on my own once the DC have left home. I also have a LOT of fantasies about my dream (solo) abode, I think about what decor I would have, etc. DP would be very upset if I told him.

I also adore my family but sometimes after a long day I think if someone says "mum look at me" or "can I have a snack" or "listen to this funny facebook post" one more time I will just burst into tears. It's having to constantly engage and respond – sometimes I just want to be in my own head, and being with other people, while lovely and fun for a while, starts to make me feel desperate after a few hours.

I'm very lucky in that I work on my own at home so get some alone time 4 days a week (during school hours). It's still not enough! – but if I didn't have that I'd be insane by now. I don't regret having a family, it is great in so many ways, but I definitely didn't think through how hard it would be to be alone.

I do think you have your needs and it's OK to tell your DH that you need some time alone. It's not horrible, it's just who you are. You could "book" it in and let him know just as you would a night out with a friend or whatever.

One thing I do know is that whenever this topic comes up, a lot of people say they feel that way. It's just less acceptable than being an extrovert, and by the nature of social interaction, when you see and meet introverts out and about, they're using all their energy up to make the effort to appear sociable, so it's not immediately obvious.

Yep Im not cut out for it and I'm married :-/

Maybe I should get to the doc then, see if there's anything going on. I don't think there is, unless there's some vit/min deficiency. Will take a trip to Holland and Barrett.

Cat, glad to hear someone else has dreams of their entirely nonexistent home - sometimes if I feel stressed I take myself off there and do a spot of decorating!

I'm 50 MrsD. What you say about years of catering to everyone else's needs and wants really resonates. Maybe I've just used up my supply of caring :(

I frequently feel the need to be alone, I've been married for 11 years and have 2 dc. I love dh and the dcs but I also like my own company. I work nights at the weekend and dh is always saying that he misses me when I'm at work and the dcs are in bed, I however love it when he's on nights and they're in bed! My ds (7) has Asperger's and I often wonder if I have too (df and db definitely have traits but not diagnosed). I find physical contact difficult, I don't mean in a sexual sense but sometimes I just don't want to be hugged/kissed etc. I don't think you're selfish at all op, maybe you could take up a hobby that allows you time on your own?

I also have misophonia and need a huge personal space, no wonder I'm a single parent!

I am sixty and still have a houseful! I'm definitely an introvert. DH is just coming to the end of a long period of "gardening leave" and it's blissful to get the house back to myself again.
I just need my own space. I was at a dinner party at the weekend and realised that everybody else was either single or in a partnership. How can I begin to explain what it's like caring for what seems like a multitude all the time?
OP, I know where you're coming from!

I'm 66 and have a whole house and garden to myself, love living on my own now the nest is empty, both children married and with children of their own. I rarely socialise.

When I was 51, after a marriage and enjoying a couple of close relationships since, I decided I didn't want to be sexual any more, nor live with anyone again. [If I did want a partner they would have to have their own home...but I don't].

I also find anyone in my space for any length of time, draining and overwhelming. I am not a touchy/feely person though can be affectionate if on my terms [a reason for that]. I also get annoyed at someone else wanting to know how I feel, where I've been, what I'm thinking, where I'm going..for how long, who with etc. It feels so intrusive and I feel I lose my identity.

I also hate the way any problems I may have affects the other person. Eg. my insomnia, I want to get up turn on the lights, have a cuppa, read, do whatever which disturbs and isn't fair on the partner.

I also feel I've given so much of my time, energy and worry to so many people that I'm done with being pulled all ways. This is my time. I'm in control of me now.

I [and a couple of other people I know around my age] am more and more solitary...through choice...as the years go on. I feel it's a natural progression. I was always an introvert though, hating large groups/parties etc. I like my own company, am never short of things to do, places to go.

It's great. The down times are when I don't feel well, and I do get lonely sometimes....the price I pay. So I was ok in relationships...now I'm not.

You don't sound awful. I'm fairly similar. Up until this week I had a really stressful job (involving lots of customer interaction) that made it 10x worse, my OH is a deep thinker and loves to talk, wants lots of interaction in the evenings etc and honestly sometimes I just couldn't stand it. I didn't work Monday's but even with a whole day to myself it didn't feel like enough to recover and I'd find myself getting a bit sad/angry at 5pm when he was due home. I know that sounds awful too. But I have recently realised I'm probably depressed, which exacerbates it further. Could this be the case with you?

The pleasure of having my place to myself, the sense of freedom.
Sometimes I feel as if I'm 15 years old again, school's out for summer and there are no parents to answer to?

And that cottage fantasy! I have that, too. Let's just call it it a holiday home. I know I'm lucky to have a family, and loving DH, but we all need a bit of escapism!