Tips for a happy marriage

[MsColouring]

I am getting married for the second time in December. First marriage was a disaster. Ex EA and I completely lost who I was. Feel I have got it right this time.

Was wondering from those who consider themselves to be in happy marriages (or long term relationships) what makes your marriage work?

Definitely marrying the right person with the same/similar ideas about expectations eg kids, finances, chores.

Have good sex, in a quantity that suits you both. Of course, this requires agreement on what constitutes good and how often it should be had. I think it would be tough to be happily married if you weren't on the same page about both of these things.

Very much depends on whether there are kids already in the picture. If there are, I would say similar parenting styles is right up there

I'm divorced now but what I learnt is that once you become a family, kids etc, don't forget the importance of remaining a 'couple'. So doing stuff, just for you. Sometimes that's forgotten.

Feel confident that we have most of these (except separate bathrooms!)

I find it amazing now that first time I married someone who I wasn't particularly good friends with and really grated on me. Dp is my best friend.

Don't expect one person to fulfil all your needs
Same values
Respect each other and treat each other kindly.
Sometimes, just keep calm and carry on, and ride the storms
LISTEN to each other
Don't take each other for granted.

No children?! Only joking!

Having a shared outlook on life, approach to finances, work, parenting. Respect for one another and their input into family life. Supporting one another but letting each other be themselves.

Making time to talk, kiss, touch.

All definitely separate duvets.

Be pals.

Good communication
Be good friends
Similar values
Similar life goals
Don't take each other for granted
Be kind to each other
Be able to count on each other
Be gainfully employed and not a lazy sod

Compromise
Do things together & do things seperately eg work, hobbies, friends, family
Good communication
Celebrate birthdays, anniversaries
Holidays
Support each other through the good times & the bad times eg death, illness
Build happy memories together

Husband works abroad

Having both common & separate interests.
Setting clear rules before living together about who does what, about the house.
Separate bank accounts.
A common belief system.
Allowing each other space.
Mutual trust and support.

Having the same values on important issues such as family, money and free time.

We've been together for 17years, married for 13. Very happy despite some really tough moments, these are my tips:

• Give your oh some freedom to be themselves, have hobbies, interests, don't sofocate them. (Within limits that is)
• honesty above everything else
• don't take oh for granted, hugs, little unexpected demonstrations of love here and there will show that you care
• understand that oh is human, they will have moments of stress, maybe short temper maybe being quiet, learn to recognise when this happens and respect their space. Don't give up at the first, second, third hurdle. It take work and commitment.
• be supportive treat them with respect and don't accept to be treated with anything less than 100% respect.

Most important thing is to pick the right person. Important for this is (IMO):

• Feeling equal. One shouldn't feel superior whether because of sex, race, earning power, intelligence, family status, etc. Roles might fluctuate but must be equally valued and respected and/or balance out over time.
• Being friends as others have so rightly said. If you both live to old age you're going to be stuck spending a lot of time together!
• Feeling safe with this person, able to be yourself.
• Be able to talk without holding back.
• Trusting that if they ever had to make a decision in your absence, it would be one you were happy with. (Important. Doesn't have to be the same decision you make but one you would be able to live with.)

Then as for how to actually keep the marriage happy (and all of this relies on the other person being respectful and decent and in the marriage, don't for god's sake try throwing these after a controlling shit in the hope that it will fix things, they won't.)

• Assume positive intent. When he upsets you (and he will, he's human) give him the benefit of the doubt and listen. But also tell him how you feel, that's really important too.
• Don't ever get stuck in that cycle of "competitive my life is harder". Instead see what you can do to make each others' lives easier.
• Apologise
• Talk
• Don't forget what you love about him. Tell him often.
• If you can reasonably do something, do it. If you can't, then know that you don't have to.

Oh yyyy and yes to having your own identity which is outside of the marriage too. Don't let all of your happiness and identity rest on this one thing.

Respect.
Never bad mouth your DH to others except on here
Make decisions together, neither one of you should be "wearing the trousers".
Always kiss good night and good morning.
Turn off the phones/ computer /TV at least one evening per week and talk to each other.
Small gestures are worth so much - a cup of tea after a long day, for example.
Treat your partner how you would like to be treated.
Finances - have shared account for shared expenses and your own account for your own spends. Decide on an amount you can each "fritter" per month. (Although each couple will have a way that works for them, this is ours).
Keep your own interests but not to the detriment of time together.
If household chores are an issue, a cleaner is a good investment - it works for us anyway.
Don't marry someone expecting them to change.

My DH and I have been together 10 years, married for 7 and I can honestly say he is my best friend.
Yes, we have bad times but they are short and we both very much want to be together.

I had absolutely no doubt on my wedding day that he is the man for me

Christina

Coming up to my 19th wedding anniversary here -all of the above, brilliant!

I would also just add, just realise that, occasionally, there will be times when neither of you can stand each other (not necessarily at the same time)! It will pass, and it's usually for something that really does not matter at all. Find a way to distract yourself from whatever trivial thing that is making you seethe, remind yourself of all the reasons you love him, and get on with it rather than being critical.

Communication, as others have mentioned, is key.

Congratulations!

Having similar ideas about how you want to live life. Things like whether you want to stay in one place and settle down, or move around a lot. Whether you want to have steady jobs with reasonable free time, or run your own business and try to get rich. Whether you want to have kids (of course)...

People talk about enduring love and romance a lot but I think what actually scuppers a lot of marriages is more mundane things like this. You're entering into a contract where your decisions about such things are inextricably linked.

Similarity of religious outlook (or lack thereof) and clear accord about what that means for raising kids.

Similar values, morals, general (though not necessarily specific) political outlook.

Funnily enough I don't think similar interests are actually that important, if you have these more abstract things in common, and as long as you allow each other the time and space to pursue your own interests and don't get jealous about them. The problem is that being abstract, they're often things that we don't know we believe or assume, until they come into conflict with someone else's (such as a spouse's) assumptions.