Sister's husband has left her

[Kettlesarethebest]

Really need some advice for my younger sister.
She has been married for eight years, but together for 20 years and has three children.
The past year has been a difficult one, as our mother has been very unwell, lots of treatment and hospital admissions. My sister lives nearby so has had to deal with most of it. I live 150 miles away, and visit frequently, but obviously I'm not around as often.

During the last couple of months things have settled, and mum has a good care package in place.

My sister had noticed that her dh was being very distant towards her. He did complain just before Christmas that my sister had been neglecting him and the children because of the support our mum needed. He knew it was only a tempory thing and we now have a good care package in place for her.
In fact since the Autumn he has hardly been at home, so she has not had him around. He has a very stressful job in the city, and has been going into work very early in the morning and returning late at night, so hasn't really been there to 'feel neglected'!

A few weeks ago he told her he loved her but wasn't 'in love' with her only more. He has said he has felt this way for a while now! He is now staying with his brother for 'some space'.

He is being an absolute pig to my sister. She is distraught, as this has come out of the blue with no warning signs that he was so unhappy, just the remark of feeling neglected, which my sister acted upon and it has certainly not been a problem since our mum has now a care package.
On top of this he is refusing to talk to her.
She is barely eating, not sleeping and the children are really struggling. I have taken holiday from work to stay with her for the next two weeks.
Apart from helping with the practical stuff, I don't know what else I can do.
I have tried calling bil but he is ignoring my calls.

She does need to get the financials sorted, however awful and frightening it seems. You can help her with this. Birth certificates, deeds, mortgage, pensions, social sec. Numbers, savings, investments, the lot. Copies of it all, and you can store the originals out of the house. Consider the joint account - she needs to make sure she has enough of a cash buffer for her and the kids in case he does decide to clear it out.

Can you take this practical burden on? Pitch it to her that right now, nothing is final, but it's a precaution she simply must take. Arrange a free half hour with a solicitor if you can. You may need to do the legwork and let her follow in your wake for a bit.

She sounds like a lovely person for caring for your mum, and you sound like a wonderful sister. He sounds like a selfish pig. Hard times in your life really show people's true self, don't they?

Boundaries can help with both her acceptance and his of the situation.

I do think some people feel they can leave and just do the nice bits, leaving behind all the stress and tough times.

Its not fair on your Dsis or the children for him to walk in and out.

Its understandable for your DSis to not be ready to let go but she needs to have an interim plan - financial, childcare etc.

Unless she strongly wants him to be able to walk in and out as he pleases then a visiting/ childcare schedule for the DC needs to be established.

If he wants time then how long in limbo is okay 1 month, 3 months, a year? This is a question that may start her thinking.

If they can agree to have a mediation session in say a month that gives them both space to think and financially carrying on as they are for that time is plausible. If he gets deffensive about being pushed and a month is too soon to start talking then your DSis needs to seriously consider herself as financially separated indefinately from now(it doesn't mean no return to life as a couple) but from a family security point of view life needs to go on.

Are there grandparents/ other family on his side involved with the family? I made early contact with my inlaws when my XH walked and have continued a good relationship independantly of him. They can't offer much practical support as they live a long way away but have stayed on occassion and the DC benefit. If in your sis situation they're closer they may be able to help more and may have more sway in her 'H' behaving in a more acceptable way if they see the pickle he's left behind.

He babysat for two hours while she went to work last week

Ugh. I hate this phrase when applied to the father. They're his kids, he wasn't babysitting! Why do some men think actually doing their parental duty is some kind of favour??

How old are the children? If they are struggling then having some formalised contact hours would be very beneficial in getting them into a routine. The standard agreement tends to be that the Non-resident parent has them once on a weekday evening, and every other weekend from Friday to Sunday night. This may not be practical at the moment for overnights (and unsure if the youngest is old enough for nights away) but it would certainly help them to have days and times that they know they can rely on their dad actually being there.

Also agree with a PP that contact with the in-laws could be helpful, not least if they are able to provide some of the childcare burden to enable her to keep working.

And also agree with other PPs that there's almost certainly another woman on the scene, or if not already there very shortly will be. You might want to have a discreet peruse of the more popular dating sites to see if he's set up a profile...

If she won't go to a solicitor, go without her. You hopefully know quite a bit about her financials (or can find out) and can figure what questions to ask. Many firms give 30 minute consultations. At least that way you'll be forewarned if he tries to pull any shenanigans before she's ready to arm herself.

If she is in denial and this all seems to 'final' for her to accept that the marriage might actually be over, then you have to present is a 'back up plan' rather than a 'he's not coming back, you have to do this' plan.

Tell her she needs to get these things in place for the children's sake and point out that she needs to show her H that she can 'cope' without him. On the off chance that he is just having some 'time and space', her coping without him will shake him up far more than her falling apart.

Honestly though, all the signs indicate OW, so she may have another shock around the corner. Please try to get her moving on this because otherwise it's going to be even harder to help pull her up.

Your poor sister :(

And for you and your mum

I think you need to be the pragmatic one sorting out finances, maintenance and him seeing the children. Tell your sister that you'll do this so that she can do her coping in her way until she's ready to join you at the next step.

I hate the way people drop these kinds of bombshells and then go incommunicado.

You can't legally change the lock and refuse to give him a copy. But if he's ignoring all calls etc. You can "lose the keys". Change the locks as a precaution and message him to that effect asking when he wants to collect a copy.
This gives the sister adequate time to pack his things, get copies of financial information, visit a solicitor. Without the constant niggle he could walk in whenever. Try to pretend it never happened etc (when the OW gets tired of his midlife bullshit). She could start to feel the silence working for her.
Whether he's having an affair or not. He's a selfish bastard controlling bastard for just dropping contact with her and DC. Get her planning things for her and DC, keep her out of that limbo. Plan away every evening and weekend (that particularly worked for me).

There has been no change over the last few weeks. BIL is still staying at his brother's, not really communicating with my sister unless he has to.
She has avoided asking him to talk to her as she feels he no longer wants to work on their marriage, and is still in denial about it.
BIL has been seeing the children once a week, he claims he is missing them but there are no phone calls or visits, and he takes them out for a meal/cinema/activity for a few hours on a Sunday only.

I just wanted some advice on a situation that occurred this weekend.
I came home to visit and have been staying with my mum. Last night I went out to collect a takeaway to bring round to my sister's and thought I saw BIL, but I'm not 100% certain.
He was sitting outside a bar, with shopping bags (female stores) on the table. I turned the car around and drove past again and saw a woman carry two drinks over to him. Again, turned the car around and they had both disappeared from the table.
I have not told my sister. In hindsight maybe I should have parked and gone into the bar to see if it was him, but I never. I don't know why.
I have not told her as I don't know if it definitely was him. We live in a small town, so if it was him anyone could see him, so it may also be innocent and he does have a lot of female friends.
Any advice?