What makes a good Father?

[britneyspearscatsuit]

Feeling a bit sad today reading everyone's comments on Facebook about their Dad's. I do love my Dad and in a lot of ways he's been a good Family man but at the same time I feel such a void and sense of loss.

I took him out for breakfast today and he snapped at me on the way in. Read his book through breakfast instead of speaking to me and got very irritated when I jogged the table and his coffee spilled a little. He didn't speak to me at all apart from to tell me his order, which was provided in a very condescending and rude tone. This afternoon at his and Mum's he's been a knob. Asked me to go and do my brother a snack (women's work) and I just generally feel so worthless and unloved around Dad.

I know he loves me and is proud of me because I've heard people repeat it Bavk to me. But he never says it or says anything nice to me. I always feel like I disgust him.

I just wanted to know what a good Dad would be like. What sort of things would he do and say. What would he not do?

I think instead of feeling sorry for myself I want to maybe think about those things, acknowledge they're not going to be forthcoming and accept it all.

He's great in some ways...adores DS... would give me a lift anywhere...would fix my boiler..just I guess the warm fuzzy is missing

Both his parents were cold and he has Aspergers too. It's just he is so much nicer to my brothers!

"Asked me to go and do my brother a snack (women's work) and I just generally feel so worthless and unloved around Dad.

I know he loves me and is proud of me because I've heard people repeat it Bavk to me".

Look at how these two sentences contradict each other. These people do not live with him day to day so have no real idea of what he is like. Such people like your dad can also appear very plausible to others in the outside world.

He has far more than the warm and fuzzy bit missing. I am surprised you did not tip the breakfast over his head and walk out.

Did you snap to it then and make your brother (who is capable) a snack?. Or did you say no to your dad?. What did you do upon his command, hope you said no!. I reckon he has spoken to you and your mum similarly for many years now and have you both running around after the menfolk. You feel worthless around your dad precisely because you are worthless around him. This man likely hates women, all of them (starting with his own mother).

Who are these people you refer to in your second paragraph, other familial relatives?. Your father seems to be the sort of man who has a set Victorian style definition of what women should do (i.e. in his head be seen and not heard).

I think your son's grandfather is a terrible role model for him; if he cannot treat you his daughter nicely then you and your son should not be seeing him at all. See people instead who enhance your lives rather than bring you down. Your son seeing you as his mum being so denigrated by his granddad will do him no favours whatsoever. Bad behaviour like this from your father should never be rewarded; he's come to expect everyone else to run around after him and that has also made him worse. This behaviour has been enabled by family.

Bet you he's never bought you a meal out either; why are you still seeking his approval, approval actually he will never give you. Its not your fault he is the ways he is so stop thinking too that you are somehow to blame. Jettison your fear, obligation and guilt when it comes to him and set higher and firmer boundaries re him as well. Your too low boundaries to date have cost you dearly on an emotional level.

Thanks Atilla...I did say no!!

Can I ask what you mean about boundaries and the cost to me? I'm a bit confused about the ripple effect of this in my life.

I'm not a doormat...I do say "bugger off"

His help comes at a high price to you; you could easily find someone else and qualified also to fix your boiler for instance.

BTW how do you know he is on the ASD spectrum; has he been officially diagnosed?. Even if he is on the spectrum its still no excuse, reason or justification for acting in the ways he is behaving towards female members of the family.

Am not at all surprised to see his parents were cold hearted; he is exactly the same and very much a product of his own upbringing.

Thanks Atilla...I did say no!!

Can I ask what you mean about boundaries and the cost to me? I'm a bit confused about the ripple effect of this in my life.

I'm not a doormat...I do say "bugger off"

Good re saying no. What was his response or did he clam up totally when you said no?.

He is a bully and you cannot and must not let him treat you like this at all; he needs to be pulled up on his behaviour each and every time.

Your own boundaries re him need to be raised now. For example no more taking him out for any breakfasts or meals. If he cannot behave decently or indulge in any sort of conversation he does not get to see you or by turn his grandson. You would not tolerate any of this from a friend, family are no different. Your son sees you being horribly treated by his granddad as well, what messages does that send him.

You don't deserve this horrible bullying from your dad. You may have blamed yourself. I expect he blames you too, not that it's your fault. But he is supposed to be the adult in this situation, and as a parent he's supposed to care about you and support you

You are not responsible for him or his actions; he is. You cannot change him either but you can certainly change how you react to him and show him that there are consequences for treating you so badly.

I agree with Attila, even if he does have apartheid he needs to manage (modify) his behaviour better. Sure it's not simple, but he's intelligent enough to try and work out hoe his behaviour is upsetting to you. Is he like this with your mum too?

My dad is a useless piece of shit, so can't help you with what a nice dad is. The opposite I suppose. My stepdad is lovely to us all, he's thoughtful and engaging he doesn't ever put me down either, my children adore him as he gives us all time and he's invested in us. I suppose that's what nice dads are like.

Hmm apartheid did say aspergers!

Thanks for the responses. I'll try and answer all that...he doesn't respond any different regardless of my response. If I reacted by bursting into tears or throwing get a plate in his face or just walking away, nothing would have any effect. He'd continue, ignore, call me hysterical and then wake up the next day like it never happened.

So when I said no. He just went back to his book.

He acts irritated with everyone, and isn't ashamed of it. He's rude to waiters and all sorts. He just doesn't care.

He's sometimes rude to Mum yes. But also sometimes kisses up to her. She is very capable of making his life miserable.

He doesn't put me down so much as ignore. Mum is the one who puts me down actually. Think Monicas mum in friends!!

DS and sister have diagnosed ASD. Dad isn't diagnosed but it's obvious he has it too. He will be enraged beyond all belief at bizarre things and has no social skills or friends.

DS isn't viewing Dad as a role model. He knows he has "something wrong" and DS has had great role models.

I know it's silly in your mid thirties but I read what everyone writes about Their Dad being their best friend and all that and just felt like he doesn't like me.

Like he loves me but doesn't like me...and that's probably true

Why are you at all associating with these people if your dad ignores you and your mother puts you down?. (Monica's mother in Friends was a toxic person). You would not have tolerated this from a friend, parents are no different. Your son also seeing you so denigrated like this by them will do him no favours and will confuse him no end. Of course your son will see his granddad as a role model; family members generally are often seen as such by children.

I do not think you can readily assume that he is on the ASD spectrum either (infact I thought "personality disordered" when I read about your Dad). I know you want a reason/s why he acts like this (and perhaps that is why you've mentioned AS). Infact he acts like this because he can and he's had parents who were themselves the same. They likely had no friends themselves either. It is also possible that he is not on the ASD spectrum at all, have you considered that possibility?.

Am certain as well that your son and your sister in no way act like your dad does towards you and other people unfortunate enough to come across him.

Your parents are well suited; they both get what they want out of and from their own dysfunctional relationship with each other. I would limit all contact now with the two of them.

Am very sorry you do not have a nice dad, its not your fault he is the ways he is. I do not think your dad likes his own self at all but again that is not your fault either.

Because it's all I have ever known really...that's my famly, my familiarity. I know it's not what the ideal would be, it does upset me, but I also think I'd be more upset to be cut off from my family. The thing about threads like this is that you post a few things and miss all the good parts, of which there is a lot too. DS adores his grandparents. I think perhaps I grew up in a big family...was probably the "easygoing one" (and would not dare talk to my sister the way he does to me) and so maybe I just generally get a bit tuned out.

I think having an ASD son and sister and learning everything I could about ASD that I have a pretty high level of understanding of it so no, I am pretty certain Dad has it. I've read every book, been on training courses and Dad is classic and we've had long talks about it. He has said reading the books I have him was like finally understanding himself (he cried actually) so I know he does struggle with his social skills issues.

I have spent a lot of time with them lately. Maybe I should just spend a bit less.

My Mum was going round a family party yesterday telling everyone how untidy my house was, how useless my job was etc. and I suppose I woke up totally miserable and then Dad was such a knob.

Could use a cuddle!

I think you need to break out from your parents and their power and control over you.

There are things your dad could do to help himself but he has chosen not to do so. I would stop all the chats with him about ASD; you must never let yourself get sucked into being a therapist or act in such a role; you're his daughter not a therapist and cannot ever act as one. I think you are empathetic (unlike either of your parents) and want to help him but he has to want to help his own self ultimately; you cannot do that for him. He has got a myriad of issues not least to do with his personality; none of which you caused and all of which predate you.

Tears from men like your dad can also be manipulative as well and designed to make you feel sorry for the person. He has still not apologised for his behaviour or anything actually nor has accepted any responsibility for his actions (your mother is likely just the same and she seems very unpleasant as well).

What was your response when your mother made such rotten comments about your home and job to family members?. My guess is that you were too upset to say anything and put the record straight; people like your mother also instil such fear in their victims.

Does your father talk to your sister like this, perhaps not. Does your sister who is on the spectrum or your son also treat you like dirt; your son does not do that and perhaps your sister does not either.

I've already suggested that you raise your all too low to date boundaries re them and do not put up with any crap from them. Limit your time spent with these people, no more buying meals for your dad for a start and that is a boundary you can certainly do now. They honestly do not deserve to have you in their life. You would not have put up with any of this from a friend, family are really no different.

It may be an idea for you to also now post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages.

I read what everyone writes about Their Dad being their best friend

The 'everyone' in your statement (above) comprises of those who dads have been/are their best friends, but this takes no account of those whose sires have been less than exemplary role models.

You may have drawn a short straw in the father stakes but you do at least have the small consolation of knowing that he's told others he's proud of you and he'll be on hand to fix your boiler, give you lifts if needed, while many don't even have those crumbs to comfort them.

In short, when it comes to dps we get what we're given - or, according to some schools of thought, what we chose pre-birth - and all we can do is make the best we can of it.

"I read what everyone writes about Their Dad being their best friend"

Where is this stuff written (FB?). Not "everyone" writes that by any means. That sentiment is complete guff as well; parents should never be their children's best friends.

And I will repeat; its not your fault he is the ways he is. His own parents have a lot to answer for.

That's a good point Goddess