Help! feel like my world has collapsed.

[dragonwick]

I have just found out my dh has been having sexting affair with an old 'freind' from college, on and off for the last 2 yrs. We have been together for 13 yrs, married for 8 yrs. We have a 5 yo DD. I am so shocked and feel sick, I wouldn't have believed he would ever do this, I have always felt so secure in our relationship. It hasn't been without problems but I have always trusted him completely. Some instinct led me to check his text messages on our shared iPad (haven't snooped on him before), there were explicit pictures from her, back and fourth texts, the content you can imagine. They also said 'I love you'. I told him I knew straight away and he confessed, told me he was sorry, deeply ashamed, had tried to stop it and they had stopped for about a year and then it started again, they have been in contact recently. She lives far from us but he told me they have met up a couple of times when she was in our city, with the intention of making it physical but neither of them wanted to, he said they felt complete shame and talked about their families. I called her, desperate to understand what this means and if he's telling the truth. She said she was very sorry and ashamed and that it didn't mean anything, that's she's had a very hard time over the last few years and thought she was having a mid life crisis. Her story matched exactly what dh said. I feel lost and devastated I know I love him but am so disappointed in him. He says he loves me and wants to work this out. He's booked a marriage counsellor for us to see and I do feel this could help at least how to move forward in some way. He is going to stay with a freind tonight, we've told our dd he's got to go away for work. To add our sex life hasn't been brilliant since having dd, doesn't help that dd co sleeps with us, something I have pushed to resolve but weirdly dh has said that its fine and she'll grow out of wanting to co-sleep. Though I haven't really enjoyed sex with him often since having DD, it's been sparse, peppered with the odd good time (count on one hand). I put this down to dd co- sleeping and it being fairly normal as have being with him for a long time. Help! What do I make of this, I love him and am devastated by the idea of us splitting and my DD also being devastated, she adores her dad.

They used to have a relationship that was purely sexual, he's used the word 'love' and he's trying to say they haven't had sex...?

It's not very likely. I don't believe him, but then it's not my story to buy.

You deserve much better, you honestly do.

If he loves her because she gives him sexual gratification and that has lead to affection, which is what he has said, then they definitely had sex.

He's lied himself round in circles now. He doesn't even realise that his new lies are revealing his old lies.

Regarding DD, I am no expert and others will know more but perhaps give a plausible reason for H's absence and say where he is staying and have agreed times for seeing him. Is H available to chat with her every day?

If you think she is missing her dad then say something like " {Name} I wonder if you're missing Daddy?" so she can open up.

If it comes to permanent separation, ideally both of you should break the news together.
Emphasise that you both love her and it's not anything she's done. She may ask the same questions more than once.

Do have a discreet word with her teacher so any change in behaviour is noticed.

From what parents in this situation have described, your DD might need time to transition from seeing one parent to the next.

Yes your world has collapsed.

The actual specifics of what he did is in the long run is somewhat irrelevant - he crossed a line and betrayed your marriage.

Transgressions can be porn, ONS, EA, PA, prostitutes etc etc. - they each cross the betrayal line. It will take you months to work through your initial emotions - shock, numb, anger, denial, pain, rage - etc.

The trust is gone - if he wants to regain it and rebuild it there is blue print of actions and behaviours in the following short book recommended by MNers. Suggest that you read it first and the hand it to him to read and take all the actions within.

www.lindajmacdonald.com/how_to_help_11-06-10_final_pdf-.pdf

The first action is complete disclosure. They all deny, deny,deny, distort, distort, distort then minimise, minimise minimise.....this hurts more and more. This resource is also brilliant. www.dearpeggy.com/affairsmenu.html

I can't stand men who can't stop crying when they get caught with their pants down. It's pathetic.

Sounds like he has convinced you.

For me it's irrelevant whether he had sex with her or not. It's the years of deceit and lying that are just as bad. Sex is just sex I don't see why it makes such a big difference. What he has done for me would be treated the same way as if he had sex.

For me the counselling is too soon. You have only just found out. You need to take time to come to terms with this. You are falling into the must save the marriage mode without allowing yourself time to reflect and gather your thoughts.

Whatever you do, don't reward him with the pick me dance! So many sadly do.

a close friend of mine when through something similar, only there was very clearly admitted sex involved. HE went into counseling and they did get through it. She threw him out for about 5 months while he went through the counseling and was very clear with mutual friends why she had (he tried to minimize it as he didn't want to admit what he'd done to others ). He didn't want his marriage to end, nor did she, they had dcs a bit older than yours. That was 20+ yrs ago and they are now grandparents and still together.

I'm not sure I would have been able to do what she did, and it took a lot of work on both sides, but it is possible - whether your H had sex with the OW or not. My friend said it wasn't the sex that hurt so much as it was the realization that she had been living a lie for those years.

My exH met an OW and 'fell in love' and left. In retrospect this was a much cleaner break for me, I would not want to have to be in your shoes, so good luck with whatever decision you finally make.

Op

Does it actually matter if they had sex? Haven't they crossed the line anyway?

Do not take this the wrong way but imo he was getting something from her that he might not get from you. What was that thing? Can he get it from you? Is he satisfied with the relationship?

I do think he values you more. Or else he would have been gone long ago.

FWIW : a couple who had a long intensive FB relationship for years at uni and then say they chose to "hold back" after 2 years of sexting when they met up I dont think so....

Take care of yourself first - emotionally and physically you are in for a very rough and long ride....I am sorry this is happening to you.

Take a look at this thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2289860-support-thread-Marriages-in-recovery?

Assume everything is lies, distorted and minimized - tell him that he ALONE has to work to turn this around. Assume your suspicions are right.

You will be uncovering and exposing facts and feelings for weeks....

He was not crying for his behaviour last week. Why do they always snivel for themselves like babies when they get caught? It is pathetic.

2 years and you think they didn't have sex when they met, sorry but I'd not believe that. Even if they handn't, he's been deceiving you for 2 years and avoiding sex with you cos he'd rather have her, even if it's sexting - sorry but I would find it hard to believe neither has feelings for each other either - he's definitely minimising and lying, the usual script I'm afraid.

Keep him out for as long as you feel is necessary, don't pretend and cover his back, you owe him FA now.

Just some advice re your DD, My DD is five and I have been quite open and honest with her regarding her dad leaving he said he wasn't happy, so I gave her a Mr Men explanation where daddy had been feeling a bit like Mr Grumpy and he wanted to be Mr Happy again, and that meant him living in another house, but he still loves her and she will see him or speak to him when she wants to.
She has asked questions like when is he coming back and I have been straight with her saying that he wasn't going to live with us anymore, so far she has been pretty okay with it.
She has days where she asks about him and I talk openly about him and she has seen me cry a few times and I have been honest that it was because I missed daddy too, and it was okay to feel sad if she did.
Two months on and she is doing fine.
She just seems to have accepted it.x

I agree with the poster who said it's too soon for couples counselling. You haven't had time to digest any of this, or work through your options, something you need to do before bringing a third person into the mix. I worry that you will get swept along by tears and platitudes. In a week or so possibly one to one counselling for you to work through whatever you have decided.

If he truly didn't have sex - oops, grab that flying pig! - I suppose you could liken it to him having a porn habit. Just with a more personal touch.....Nah, me either!

1; There's no such thing as sexual addiction.
2; He's minimizing.
3; So he regrets it and has cried about getting caught, you love him, you can choose to let him get away with it.
It's your choice, not his now.

Thanks again for all your posts. It's hard to get perspective at the moment, so good to hear different opinions. Believe me, I know there is a chance they had physical sex, but like a few people have said, that's almost not the point, the betrayal and lies are the worst in all of this. And the point is I don't know and perhaps will never know the whole truth. As you say pastmydue it's my choice whether to let him get away with it or to decide whether I can ever believe or trust him again.

A few people have said it's too soon to see a counsellor - though I don't feel I can talk to him without someone else being there to help broker that conversation and I need to talk, I need to try and understand what the hell has happened and why. I'll see how I feel after the first session.
Quitelikely I have no doubt there was something missing in our sexlife that has contributed to this, as I said before, it was def lacking since DD came along.

Thanks for the advice re DD sweetsecret and donkeys. It's good to get some ideas and get prepared on that front. I can't believe that we could be going it alone.

You are taking responsibility for his sexual incontinence. Don't. 'There was something missing'. Yes, there was. It was his commitment to you.

Forget counselling for the relationship but have plenty for yourself, to help you sort out who you are ready for the rest of your life.

Don't waste any more time on him.

Don't keep blaming your sex life.

Did you have a 2 year affair because your sex life was rubbish - no?

2 years - I rarely swear but fuck me! Don't be taken for a fool and set yourself up for more heartache.

I know you will think nobody can possibly understand your situation but you are wrong, so many of us have been there - I never thought anyone could understand my situation, after all, my STBXH loved me completely, we were different - although we weren't.

It is your decision but it sounds like you've already made your mind up so I wish you luck and hope that he doesn't betray your forgiveness.