Completely blindsided

[magiccatlitter]

My DH and I have been married for 10 years.
I'm not able to have children and when we were dating it was discussed and he said he never wanted children.

The day after our 10th wedding anniversary, he tells me that he wants children and starts telling me about his plan...which doesn't seem to include me in it.

I was shattered.

I was quiet for a couple days and went to talk to him about it more and asked about adoption or surrogate and he said, no, you're just too old.

Ummm wow. Talk about insulting.

We got into a row about it and he was banished to the sofa.

Instead of coming to me, he turned to another women on facebook and was telling her all our personal marriage business. He has had a facebook addiction and I should have done something about that sooner.

So I found out by walking past him and he quickly closes his screen. So I asked him who he was chatting with and he said just a friend from x group.

I opened up the chat and there they were talking about our marriage and she was consoling him, poor dear having to put up with the likes of me.

Well I messaged her and asked why she was chatting with my husband and she had a go at me and said she would talk to him any time she felt like and I told her no she wouldn't. I told her to stay out of our marriage.

So DH unfriended and blocked and deleted his account. I said it really wasn't appropriate to be discussing our marriage with another woman online and he should be discussing our issues with me. He said, well you wouldn't talk to me. Hmm, seems to me every time I tried to talk to him he was on facebook all hours of the day and night.

It's been a week since he deleted facebook, and he is starting to act like a human again towards me.

But what to do about him wanting a child? He said it is a recent thing of about 2 months. He also seems depressed and I spoke to my GP about it when I was having a checkup and she thought it would be good for him to come in for a checkup too.

Our bedroom life has been non existent. He said he has no desire at all and hasn't had an erection in months.

I'm just not sure how to talk to him about it. Honestly, I'm enjoying life without children. Just a few months ago, we were talking about retiring.

[CainInThePunting]

I haven't read the responses so this will probably have been suggested already but just in case...
Couples counselling, a professional will know how to get him, and you, talking in a constructive way about what is causing problems in your marriage and how to move forward.
He obviously wants to talk to someone, it should be you.
Good luck with it, I hope you sort yourselves out.

[Postchildrenpregranny]

I have never said this on MN before but I'd leave him/throw him out (and I'm all for working at relationships). I think men (particularly)who really want DCs have always wanted them and don't suddenly decide after ten years of marriage and in their forties . I suspect he's using it as an excuse to end the relationship-perhaps he thinks it's an easier way of doing it for you (!) . It is insulting in my view, as he knew the situation before you married .It sounds very sexist but I have never known a man who had that desperate ,raw,visceral need for a child that some women have .I have friends who adopted a baby at 50 and 52 . It was something they both really wanted, after years of IVF etc . But it wasn't easy and meant a radical change in lifestyle. But I think he would have accepted it was not 'meant'. Andyiu have said you are , understandably, past the stage of considering adoption .
My DD1 has just spilt with her partner of three years because he's changed his mind about having children (did want , now doesn't- with anyone, not just her) For her its a non -negotiable.And she isn't even sure she wants them (or indeed is able to have them)but she's 29 and doesnt want to rule it out either . I am very angry with him, but glad she has ended the relationship now .

[magiccatlitter]

I am furious, insulted, and terribly hurt. I've calmed down a bit for my own sanity.

I have mentioned counselling to him so we'll see if he actually goes. If not, then I have my answer that he is done with the marriage and trying to get me to end it so he doesn't have to.

Good example about your friends. They wanted to and did it together.

It does sound more like he wants out and to have a family with someone else (younger) but he wants to drag me along until then. I'm not going to do that.

That is terrible for your DD to find out he changed his mind. Hopefully it just isn't an excuse for him. It is good she found out now rather than him dick around until she can't have any at all.

[butterflygirl15]

I would kick him out too. And don't be surprised if there is an OW waiting in the wings. I suspect a new woman has now shown him the possibility of having children. Sorry - it must be really tough for you. Don't drag him along to counselling when he doesn't really want it - time to find your dignity and show him the door.

[saturnvista]

Someone who feels like this about you is not a good person to be having a child with - and a responsible father would know this. Also, the marriage is a separate issue from having children and deserves to be sorted out on its own merits first. In addition to those points, if you were to have a child through surrogacy or whatever, you would need to be supported. As your DH is not sounding like someone who loves you at the moment, it seems as if the child might be the idol in the family, holding the whole thing together. Perhaps he isn't aware of it himself, but maybe he just wants something to change about his circumstances to make himself feel better, and this is a plausible excuse to change his life that no one can argue with. I wouldn't have time for this sort of person to be honest.

[BrowersBlues]

I am very cross on your behalf. He does sounds a bit depressed. Maybe he thinks the grass is greener and that having a child will solve everything.

Do you love him? Do you want your marriage to last? The plan of retiring soon and enjoying life together sounds like a good plan to me.

I am a few years older than you and have two teenage children and it is really hard. I know you wouldn't but I honestly recommend that you don't try to have a child just because he wants one. You sound like you know what you want anyway.

[magiccatlitter]

I've read through all the posts and thought about everything for quite sometime last night.

I've been so focused on if I have been a good wife to him that I haven't really thought about if he has been a good husband to me.

I don't think he has. He wanted to come back to the bedroom last night and I let him. It was a mistake.

He came to bed filthy and drug his lot of bedclothes with him and they reeked of dog pee and BO. ugh.

Then he had the cheek to say he had more room on the sofa.

That is the type of passive aggressive disrespect I have been putting up with for years.

I said to him today he needed to take a shower and wash the filthy bedclothes as well as clean up the mess he made in the kitchen.

He blamed me for being dirty saying he didn't have any clean clothes. The washer is right there and he knows how to use it.

I've shifted a lot of weight going from a size 18 to 10 and he hasn't said one word. Not one. He told me he sees me every day so he didn't notice.

I think I have received a birthday gift once from him in 10 years and I've never received a Christmas gift from him. He said he doesn't like holidays. I said other people do like holidays so you need to consider their feelings as well as your own.

He's been dirty and lazy and when I asked myself what I gain from this marriage and I simply can't think of one positive thing.

I've come to realise his is a miserable sod who likes to blame me for everything.

I don't know I haven't seen this before but now I see it clearly.

[whitsernam]

Now that you do see it, you cannot "unsee it" You will start noticing more and more things. Please be sure you take care of yourself, even if it means a divorce.

[27inmyhead]

Well he's done you a favour then. Bringing all this child business to the surface has made you see the light.

What a disgusting specimen.

He thinks someone would be willing to reproduce with him? Let him see if he can find anyone else to put up with his slovenly and uncaring ways.

I daresay when you tell him it's over, he will completely backtrack. Take the wind out of his sails.

[AnyFucker]

jesus Christ, he sounds disgusting

what on earth do you see in him ?

[ImperialBlether]

For god's sake, OP, I thought he was a normal bloke until I read your last post! He's horrible! Good luck to him in finding someone to sleep with, never mind to have a child with.

When you think of retirement (20 years early?) do you think of hanging around all day with that smelly horror?

[goddessofsmallthings]

As whitsernam has said, now you see it, you can't 'unsee' it and it very much sounds as if you've unknowingly had a child throughout your marriage and he's one that is yet to learn basic hygiene, let alone basic respect for others.

Sounds as if this is as good a time as any to lose another hefty chunk of weight that's preventing you being as happy as you could be without his leaden presence blighting your life.

[PoppyField]

Blimey. Solicitor. First. Thing.Tomorrow. Morning.

[BolshierAyraStark]

Sounds delightful, I'd get rid.

[CainInThePunting]

Sheesh! What a charmer!
I take back my last post, you will be better off without the cruel, lazy, inconsiderate, self-entitled twat.
Get rid.
He is sapping you dry and every moment you spend with him is a moment of your life you will never get back.
Sounds like he should come with a government health warning.
Tell him you've changed your mind, you also want kids but it'll be a cold day in hell before you have them with him!
And breathe....sorry, he just sounds like my ex! Rahrrrgh!

[springydaffs]

Bloody hell, no wonder he didn't want kids, he cba with all the work.

His laying out his future - to you! - shows he is entirely invested in himself across the board. He doesn't notice you, except as a means to facilitate his life; doesn't notice you've lost half your body weight, never acknowledged your birthday - dear me, what on earth has been in this relationship for you? He sounds SN.

[yearofthegoat]

Good grief OP. How have you put up with this for ten years?

Hang on to the dog, lose the husband.

[mix56]

He sounds a charmer, just who is he planning to get together with to have a child? he is lazy, stinks, & selfish & has a problem with internet addiction.
Actually I would tell him to jog on with his plan. & shut the door as he left with a sigh of relief. I bet you anything he will be gobsmacked that you aren't begging him to change his mind.

[AuntyMag10]

These are huge life changing statements he is dropping on you. I would not wait for counseling or trying to sort this out. He's biding his time with you till he finds someone else. What an absolute horrible man.

[magiccatlitter]

yes, he has done that a couple times when he is angry with me, sulk and not shower for a week. ugh. It's just vile and disgusting.

I told him that by the end of the day he needed to have all the dirty bedclothes washed and a shower and he actually did it so at least I don't have to smell him but who wants to tell a grown man to bathe? I don't.

not sure who he thinks he is going to get to have a child with. I think he may have a very unrealistic idea of his value.

I like the idea of announcing to him that I want a child but not with him because he is too childish, dirty, and lazy. See how he likes that.

I truly can't see wasting any more time on this nonsense. My idea of retirement isn't sitting around being lazy, dirty, and playing video games.

[DonkeyOaty]

It does look like your marriage has run it's course.

Time to start gathering up info, paperwork, explore selling house/buying him out/finding a new home for you and engaging a solicitor to draw up divorce proceedings. You don't have to do it straight away of course but you know, get your ducks in a row, yes?

[Chinhairscare]

Your thread has shocked me. Your husband sounds like he's not wired up properly - his behaviour is OUTRAGEOUS! I wonder how he'd feel if you came home and announced you were going to find a man with a bigger cock? But for now you'll stay but be utterly repellant just so he doesn't get any ideas? Ghastly behaviour.


I hope you're reading this at your solicitor's office. Seriously, end this. It's over.

[magiccatlitter]

Large cocks are entirely overrated!

Not too worried about him bothering me for sex as neither one of us are interested.

I should say something insulting like that to him just to see how he likes it. Something he can't fix.

Yes, I'm done. Nothing left to do besides gather up info, etc. and get this over with.

[mix56]

Sorry that you have had this very sudden wake up call, but indeed enough is enough. What a stunning achievement to lose all that weight, very very well done you. What an absolute tosser to ignore you.
Is he overweight to boot ? Get all your paper work together, make sure you do not have a msn or common "cloud" that he can see you private emails & phone messages, do some research & get yourself a competent divorce lawyer. Take your time. make it watertight & I wish you a fabulous future.