Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Brilliant relationship why am I depressed?

21 replies

cazzyal · 18/06/2015 21:26

Before I started going out with my boyfriend I was myself, I felt fine, within a month I became depressed. I cannot tell you how perfect he is for me, he spoils me loads (which does make me guilty sometimes as I have no money at the moment) and we share many interests. He is successful, ambitious, social and always busy. At the moment I am none of these things, I am stuck with where I want to go, I believe myself before this relationship would be better for him and I'm not sure why my situation has changed but it is really getting me down.
If I imagined that I was single and didn't know him I feel I would not feel like this but I really don't want to lose him. Although it should not matter in this day and age but he is from a wealthy family and I have nothing.
Do I just feel not good enough? He often speaks about how others have no ambition or his friends girlfriends are too clingy and are in dead end jobs so I don't want to become he judges too.

Any advise on what I can do? Similar experiences? Am I just losing my mind?

Sorry for the mismatch off info I am in a strange place at the moment.

OP posts:

goddessofsmallthings · 18/06/2015 22:08

If you became depressed within a month of going out with him it can't be said that he's 'perfect' for you and, from what you've said, it seems likely that being with him has made you feel inferior.

I'm wondering why a man who deplores lack of ambition in others has chosen to be with you at a time when you don't appear to be on a career path that will lead to wealth/financial success?

Although you don't want to 'lose' him, if you continue to feel inadequate because of the disparity between your circumstances and his, it's probable that staying with him will cause you to become as 'clingy' as he claims his friends girlfriends' are.

Handywoman · 18/06/2015 22:12

He spoils you
He's successful

...does not a relationship make. When you're together how do you feel?? I mean, really feel about yourself?

And what's your relationship history?

Anniegetyourgun · 18/06/2015 22:17

He's not very polite about other people, is he?

tribpot · 18/06/2015 22:22

He doesn't sound very nice. It sounds like a lot of his comments are designed to make you feel bad about yourself and convinced he is better than you. He clearly thinks he is better than most people.

I think you have mistaken gratitude for the attention with some stronger connection.

Original poster

cazzyal · 18/06/2015 22:23

I feel great when i'm with him, I feel very confused, He is very lovely I probably didn't describe him well enough. I was in a good place when we got together although I had recently came out of a very long term relationship which I eventually got bored of, I was very dominant in that relationship.
He believes in me and believes I'll become successful, I am back in education so am not doing a lot atm. I;m not so sure how successful I'll be and am feeling the pressure.

OP posts:

Lioninthesun · 18/06/2015 22:32

I'm wondering why a man who deplores lack of ambition in others has chosen to be with you at a time when you don't appear to be on a career path that will lead to wealth/financial success?
THIS.

Dd's dad used to spout the same shite. He was never happy with many things and it was wearing. No matter who you are, unless you have a steel ego you are bound to wonder if he is also picking you to pieces, as they do it so frequently. He would then feign anxiety/make me feel like a horrid person when I questioned some of his more outrageous statements. It never lasted long and as soon as I apologised, or let him 'win' he was back to his egocentric self. It sounds very like you have yourself a Narc.

I'd recommend going it alone. His words will ring in your ears from time to time but seeing as you are already on the path to your own success it will just spur you on.

Don't let the bastard grind you down!

goddessofsmallthings · 18/06/2015 22:33

What pressure would that be? The pressure of being back in education with exams etc or the pressure you feel to 'become successful' because he 'believes in' you?

Handywoman · 18/06/2015 22:44

Surely if he truly believes in YOU there'd be no pressure?

Original poster

cazzyal · 18/06/2015 23:02

Is it me that has got the anxiety that is turning his words into something else or is it his words making me anxious?

He is a very caring person, patient. I have always been very independent but am not feeling this at the moment.

Did you become anxious and depressed too lioninthsun? or strong enough to not have it run your life?

OP posts:

DubbyDubby · 18/06/2015 23:16

do you feel more secure or insecure in this relationship?

Lioninthesun · 18/06/2015 23:19

Yes, I was very low within months and was very confident before meeting him. He actually said to me once "where's the sassy woman I met when we started going out?" which helped, obviously. Lots of gaslighting too and trying to alienate my friends - not good enough for the likes of 'us' etc.

I hear him still, thank fuck I'm not still with him and let his words encourage me to do more. However I know deep down he'd never value the same things as me (he'd always pick work or his own awesomeness over his child or a happy family life, for example).

Original poster

cazzyal · 18/06/2015 23:27

I feel secure, I have no worries of him being dishonest or hurting me in anyway. The only worries I have is not being perfect for him and as I type I know how ridiculous it sounds.

He doesn't consciously make me feel like this, I do also find him patronising when he's trying to be helpful and sweet.

OP posts:

LadyBlaBlah · 18/06/2015 23:28

To echo what others have said, he's not all that, is he?

I get alert at "he spoils me".....its such a weird thing to do to someone - spoiling?

It always sounds conditional and for show.

If you'd have said, he's generous and kind, that's just different

You sound like you are trying to convince yourself he's g.r.e.a.t.

Lioninthesun · 18/06/2015 23:30

I think he knows what he is doing. I may just be imagining my ex though so perhaps bringing that to it.

Needless to say if he isn't making you happy, for whatever reason, you don't have to suffer it. Relationships should bring out the best in you, not the worst. You should want to be who you are when you are with that person. If he makes you anxious, scared, doubtful and slightly paranoid about being paranoid then I would suggest it is not healthy.

Lioninthesun · 18/06/2015 23:33

YY to BlaBlah too - it sounds like the first flushes of a relationship where he is ultimately flashing his cash and buying your awe whilst putting you in 'your place'. My ex was pretty extravagant too - it was all part of the 'show'.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 18/06/2015 23:42

My nasty evil closed minded side of me would say. It's frankly a case of it knowing when you've got it good. Not a nice thing to say but some may say that. Tbh I wouldn't blame a battered wife reading your comment and thinking that. All they'll see is you being treated like an A list celebrity and she is dreading her next beating.
The open minded side of me says. It doesn't matter if you're the £93 million euro millions winner. Depression is a severe illness. Even if your D.P treAts you like The Queen. It's not going to make your depression go away.
You could also too afraid to embrace this love in case it is taken from you.
Have you visited your Doctor

LadyBlaBlah · 18/06/2015 23:43

From your last post......he's just not the one for you.

And that's ok.

trackrBird · 19/06/2015 00:27

Do I just feel not good enough? He often speaks about how others have no ambition or his friends girlfriends are too clingy and are in dead end jobs so I don't want to become he judges too.

....that's one source of your unhappiness. He's unkind and judgmental about others' achievements; and has you slightly on edge, as you aim to be sufficiently ambitious - but not clingy - and whatever else it takes to live up to his standards. That's a race you'll never win.

He is a very caring person, patient. I have always been very independent but am not feeling this at the moment

...here's another source of unhappiness. You don't feel independent anymore. Can you pinpoint why? (I could hazard a guess, but will leave it to you). This will be sapping your self esteem.

tribpot · 19/06/2015 08:53

The only worries I have is not being perfect for him

But this isn't how you should be feeling a month into a new relationship, is it? (Or at all, actually).

No-one is perfect but you should feel that the other person thinks you're fantastic, just as you are. All he seems to be doing is telling you could be fantastic as long as you work really hard and don't make any of the mistakes his friends' gfs have made (in his opinion - what the fuck is it to do with him).

QuiteLikely5 · 19/06/2015 09:04

He is putting pressure on you. You feel like you can't live up to his standards.

Can I ask if you are a trophy girlfriend to him because it sounds to me like he thinks he can train you up in all the other parts of yourself he doesn't like?

27inmyhead · 19/06/2015 09:09

Yes is he trying to save you and mould you? Alarm bells going off here re. the 'spoiling' you. You will feel indebted to him.

I get the impression he is older than you?

Flip