My husband has been difficult to live with. Indian family, living together before marriage is not acceptable in our culture and I didn't gauge his real nature until we started living together after getting married. He is supportive most of the times. I can't get my head around him, specially regarding kids. My husband had a tough childhood and had no toys, much friends, activities etc and his mother's role is very grey to me. His grandparents had taken care for most of his life. He has never seen his father and his parents separated when MIL was pregnant. Mil and husband lived with his grandparents. My husband has become very short tempered in the last few years, specially since his grandparents died and he is assumed to take full responsibility of MIL. Mil and I don't get along at all and have minimal contact with her. She stays in our house for months but I don't talk to her. Issues, fights and arguments has taken a big toll on our relationship and we both have less patience with each other now.
He shows his irritation and says stuff directly to people which can offend them. Its very difficult to have any friends because of his behaviour. He thinks he is right in saying and showing how he feels directly to their face. Otherwise they should put their behaviour right in the first place. He can see each shortcoming in everyone around but his.
Recently my sister was visiting us and he was so rude to the kids all the time that I felt sorry that I invited my sister to stay with us for a few weeks for holiday. No amount of making him understand that it is not our position to tell off their kids each time, as it spoils the environment in the house when one adult is fighting with the kids for right and wrong at the same level and he should leave it to my sister to deal with them. If I say something directly as then my sister feels I should step in stop him from escalating things, he takes offence that I'm contradicting in front of them and if I hint with the looks, he says to me out loud that why am giving him the looks whereas I should be stopping the kids. Asked me "if I'm an activist for kids that I protect kids all the time" in front of everyone, not just once but a few times. The kids are very unruly I admit but they misbehave even more if corrected harshly. So trying to avoid to escalate the situation, my sister and I were complying a little to keep the kids happy for a few days as otherwise they are fine with their own dad around who they listen to. I stopped counting the times I had to say "not your kids" to keep it short without him getting annoyed at me and making it worse. My sister said she doesn't want us to fight as she knows her kids behaviour is excessively bad and let him say whatever, she will not mind. But I could feel that she felt bad and thought it reflected upon her.
I would guess in-laws have kept him on a tight leash all his life and would have been very obedient but he gets angry out of the ordinary when he sees children getting away with bad behaviour or having too much fun. If my sister and I went shopping and got some toys to kids which they were showing when we got home, his immediate comment was what did you deserve to get his toy? There is no warmth in his heart for kids. Kids do provoke us too but we have self control and specially as they are not my kids and are only visiting us for the first time in 10 years, I wasn't set on modifying their behaviour. But obviously my husband says they go on becoming rapists if you don't correct their mistakes. Odd comment but might be due to recent 2 years reports on rapes in India but still wtf? I'm giving this as an example as I feel there is no reasoning with him and somehow misbehaving kids are equivalent to heinous crimes or something along these lines in his head. The sister who was visiting said that he is so short tempered, specially around children, that it will be problematic with someone who cannot accept even an honest mistake from a child and my other sister says that he will probably soften when he has his own children.
Sorry for the long post. I know my family will not support me in divorcing him, its all very traditional. I don't personally like his new short tempered behaviour, there is no fun. We have been married 5 years and I don't have the courage to openly discuss the option for divorce with my family. It will be more painful for my parents than me and will affect my sister's lives and my sister's in-laws who would taunt them for life, blaming our upbringing, parents etc. One of my sister had a divorce and my parents were under immense stress as they were too keen to get her re-married as they believe that one has to be happily married to lead a happy life. My own mum tells me to accommodate with MIL and let her move in with us even against my wishes as MIL issues are all to common. I feel like I'm better alone than with him. Pressure is on from both families for having a baby after being married for 5 years. We're living sort of separate lives or at least I feel detached than as a couple just to avoid arguments. We are fine till we do our own things and sometimes as a couple on weekends. But that is because I know what not to do when he is around. Bring in someone for a day to our house and it becomes a battlefield. Too much to ask my husband to be nice to people? May be since I don't talk to MIL, he takes it out on me as he knows I feel embarrassed and awkward. I know I'm extremely rude to his mother as I don't talk to her when she is visiting us from India but its because of her putting me down for everything and not showing any respect for me. I have no desire left to have a relationship with her.
In our big fights if I say that I would be better leaving him, he says he will never divorce and he calls people who divorce incompetent to resolve their issues. I don't know why he doesn't see an issue in his behaviour and no one believes it might make me want me to get separated from him. I know Indian women bear a lot but I feel stuck as an individual and doubt myself.
I guess the question is - are such men ever good with children if I do happen to continue living with him despite our own problems? What can I do to make the situation better if we have a baby? We do want a baby but I don't know if it is the right thing to do. Apologies I have written quite an essay 