Will I ever trust him again??

[Louisa111]

I don't want to into full details but last year when our dd1 was 6 months I suspected my dh of having an affair with a work colleague. He swore nothing was going on but gut told me otherwise and there was things on fb ( her page) that I wasn't too sure of, few coincidences etc. He was very shifty regarding his phone, would never leave it lying around.
Anyway by Xmas they both ended up working in different offices and was led to believe they hadn't spoken/ texted etc which deep down I knew was bull!!

However about April time I found this to be a complete lie, it turns out they speak all time , only about work apparently. At the time I was angry but seemed ok with the contact as he told me she'd had a shit time blah blah blah and he couldn't just ignore her and she gives him lots of advice work wise.

However fast forward to now and I literally just don't trust him, I can't believe he lied to me over another women, esp someone I was unsure of anyway. His response was it was to protect my feelings.
It's left me so insecure, every little thing he tells me I wonder if it's a lie, if he's late home, doesn't answer his phone I think the worst etc!! I've started to just be really miserable around him, at times I just start on him for no reason as I'm so mad!! My biggest mistake was pretending I was ok with the lie when deep down I wasn't and now it's just festering!!

Help!!! I know my moods and behaviour is probably pushing him away but we have been together neatly 2O years, have never had secrets about anything. I told him at the weekend I'm not happy and i don't trust him and all he said was he's not happy either atm as all we do is argue and it's not gonna work if I don't trust him!!

BUT Will I ever trust him again??

Your spidey sense is tingling - his explanations are half arsed, started with lies and he's obnoxiously defensive.

He has very little respect for you as his wife, partner and the mother of his children.

Even if he hasn't actually consumated this relationship he's been fostering an emotional attachment with another woman. That is incredibly disrespectful! He knows you're upset and he continues? He's spending time, energy (and probably money) on an outsider.

My exH did this, and treated me and my DS increasingly badly as he tried to justify his mid-life crisis as my fault. Looking back it was clear that he was hoping I'd end it so that he could tell our friends that I was the bad one. I didn't and lived in misery for two years, slowly learning to hate him. It became clear that he was having an affair with his friend's wife (a friend of mine) and he still tried to say we just 'drifted apart'.

When you're in the middle of this it's hard to make rational choices and keep a clear head. All I can say is that you're gut feeling doesn't seem to be wrong. If you want to save your marriage remember what he's already proved himself capable of. Can you live with that stress? Aren't you worth more?

But do I generally do?? I still love him and don't want to end things and keep thinking I've maybe got things very wrong but then u also have all theses doubts. I've given him so many chances to tell me and he just swears he isn't.
I don't know what to do?? Sit and ride it out and hope he messes up himself. I keep telling myself there is inky so long someone can lie to u for before you are found out

It is interesting that he has only admitted things after he has been found out. I don't blame you not trusting him, it does not sound good.

Will I ever trust him again??

Only when he gives you good reason to do so and it may be that he will need to demonstrate his fidelty and complete loyalty to you over a period of years before you are able to place 100% trust in him again.

Until then you're going to be constantly looking for any sign of deceit on his part.